On the long and lonely road - trying to own it

[Maybell]

This is probably a very stupid, 'well, duh' kind of question, but how do you do that? The appreciation thing? I tried the gratitude thing for a bit - count the working body parts when I get up, my amazing S, the roof over my head, my job, loved ones etc., but then I'd be the only single mum at a kids party and I'm looking around thinking - well, she's much more awful than me and her husband hasn't left her... I got tired of being grateful for all the things that everyone else took for granted and didn't have to work for, including their husbands. Which then made me very angry.

I saw your question on Zues’s thread and thought I’d answer it.

1. If you think “she’s more awful than me and her husband didn’t leave her” you’re internalizing his leaving as YOUR fault. That’s not the case. He left because he lacked the life skills necessary to sustain a committed relationship. The sooner you can wrap your head around that the easier it will be to be comfortable in your own skin.

2. Rather than counting the things you *should* be grateful for, look for things to *be* grateful for. You’ve been living your situation long enough that I bet there are moments now when you forget all the marriage stuff and are able to just be. Moments, maybe, when your son says something incredibly lovable, or when a friend joins you for coffee or whatever. Make sure you notice those moments. Appreciate them. Not because they’re possible because he’s gone, but because they occur regardless of his behavior.

3. Take charge of something that gives you pleasure. When my XH moved out, I rearranged the furniture in the house several times. Some of it was to make the whole single mom thing easier — logistics around serving meals, etc. Some of it was just because I didn’t have to ask anyone’s opinion anymore. Sometimes it was just because I needed the physical motion of moving something heavy. The results didn’t always work out, but I felt freer having made the effort.

4. Get A Life! GAL is the best thing you can do to culture gratitude. I made a point of saying yes to as many things as I could the year after Mr. Fantastic left. I REALLY got out of my comfort zone as much as I could. I discovered and rediscovered a lot about myself, and it made me realize how small of a box I’d squeezed myself into, trying to make life comfortable for him. Again, not everything will be a success, but you’ll have a lot of fun with the anticipation.

5. Make a POINT of laughing every day. You might have to fake it sometimes, but it gets easier and easier the more you try. I like the comedy icons on Pandora, myself.

6. Don’t compare yourself to others. Everyone around is fighting battles we can’t see. And if they’re not now, they have before, or will be in the future. Treat the world with the same compassion you’d want for yourself.

7. Take time for introspection. What things were you unhappy about in the marriage relationship? What were you responsible for? What would you like for yourself for the future? Imagine your future. How big is it now? What are you excited for?

None of us wanted to be in this place, but life-changing doesn’t have to mean life-ending. Appreciation and gratitude are a process. You’ll get there but you have to aim for it.

Best of luck to you!!!