Christmas - this was the first one I celebrated with my son without WH. I made a big effort with the house - took S to pick out a tree, decked the whole place out, got loads of compliments from friends who visited, was quite pleased with the effect. When WH dropped S off he commented on how nice the place looked - I just said thanks and carried on being busy.
WH dropped off some presents for S to open on Christmas day. He left them in a plastic bag. I found he had put two cards in there, one to S and one to me. I was surprised by this because for my milestone birthday this year he did nothing at all - didn't even wish me happy birthday by text, which was really hurtful because it was a birthday we had discussed celebrating, to celebrate my still being alive after the cancer. In all the 16 years I've been with him I have never asked to celebrate a birthday but I wanted to celebrate this one, and the absolute radio silence was extremely painful. So to see a card this time was surprising. It was brief and to the point - "2016sux, Hope you survive Christmas with S and my parents. WH" No 'dear', no 'best wishes' even. As if that would be enough to inflame my imagination about a reconciliation.
Somehow the card surprised me. I had expected nothing or, if something, that he would get me a crappy gift on the behalf of S. I did that - some jokey book. But in the end I decided it didn't feel right to give him anything, card or gift. So I did neither.
The in-laws came to stay for Christmas. They arrived Christmas eve and left 3 days later with S. WH came to pick them up. I was purposely busy in the kitchen when he arrived because I didn't want to see him, but I went to the door to see my S and in-laws off, and WH looked at me and said 'The house looks nice.' I just said 'thanks' and then pretended he wasn't there.
I get the impression they are all watching me. I don't quite know why.
I am struggling quite badly at the moment, with the whole giving up and God's will thing. I know technically it shouldn't matter if I do, I should continue with GAL and working on my spiritual, psychological self regardless of what happens to my marriage, but it feels like quite a big thing to let go of. I guess I am struggling with the giving up of hope. And not just because I don't think WH will come back, but because I am starting to question why I want him back. Apart from having an intact family, there's not much left. I've realised he's a very messed up individual and if we were to reconcile I would have to shoulder a lot of the heavy lifting. And my faith has taken quite a big bashing in this. There are some truly heroic, loving and amazing people here who have stood for years and never see their marriages restored. I don't get why some are and others not. Sometimes I think what hurts more than what my WH is doing is what God is not doing. I keep asking - if we and our marriages are under spiritual attack - where is our defense?
