I want to strike the right note between detachment, validation, and "no". I'm thinking something along the lines of "This was your decision to get divorced, your decision to stop working on our marriage, your decision to move into another house, your decision to buy a dog and two cats so you had to hire a pet sitter when you went to work. I'm sorry you find yourself in financial difficulty. It must be very hard for you. But it's no longer my responsibility to fund your lifestyle. After the child support ends, I'll be happy to pay half for things like new clothes if you provide me with the receipt."
Thoughts?
Keep it simple. Just say, "After child support ends, I'll support my children as I see it being appropriate when the time comes" or something similar. All the other stuff you want to say, just drop. It shows resentment, it is you trying to get her back, and doesn't help any relationship. It won't change anything for you.
They are your children, and I assume you want to see them succeed in life, etc.
Jim, that's really great what you did today. If I were your wife I'd want you back. You've obviously changed and understand what went wrong and would do things different in the future. That's admirable you were able to say those things without any pressure. You seem to be on the right track. I hope your wife also apologizes for her role in the marriage deteriorating.
Just a simple validation is OK, although you are on the right lines
'W it must be troubling that you have fin difficulties and I am confident that you can find a way to resolve it."
Neatly wraps it up.
However what you want to say
"Are you mad? Why would I fund your crazy loco lifestyle? Bankroll your nuts decisions? Go put your head back up your Jacksie. Hahaha reality bites! It's Karma and she is a bitch."
But I wouldn't go that route although it would be fun to write it out.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Keep it simple. Just say, "After child support ends, I'll support my children as I see it being appropriate when the time comes" or something similar. All the other stuff you want to say, just drop. It shows resentment, it is you trying to get her back, and doesn't help any relationship. It won't change anything for you.
Yeah, you're right. I'm glad I asked.
Originally Posted By: Vanilla
'W it must be troubling that you have fin difficulties and I am confident that you can find a way to resolve it."
I think I'll add this to FastCar's response.
Originally Posted By: Vanilla
"Are you mad? Why would I fund your crazy loco lifestyle? Bankroll your nuts decisions? Go put your head back up your Jacksie. Hahaha reality bites! It's Karma and she is a bitch."
But I wouldn't go that route although it would be fun to write it out.
V
Yeah, I see what both you and FastCars are saying. I like the way you said it, though! thanks very much for the input.
Nicole, thank you for your very kind words. I'm not holding my breath, though.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
So Christmas came and went. I missed my kids, but that's the new reality, I guess. Drove to my hometown. Had a pretty good time with my parents, and one brother's family, and saw another brother's family later Xmas night. Went flying with him the next morning, and saw the first brother for dinner last night. Got home a few hours ago.
My kids and I decided to have our Christmas on Christmas eve, so we woke up in the morning, had cinnabons, opened presents, enjoyed each other, went to church, and a Christmas party in the evening. I left around 9 pm and drove 3 hrs to my parent's house.
Talked to S17 on Christmas afternoon. Nice chat. I asked to talk to D16 at the same time my mom asked me to talk to s17. I handed the phone to her, as apparently, W accepted the phone from s17. Mom and W had a nice chat (they get along very well), and after W passed the phone to D16, she and my mom chatted. I got my phone back and talked to D for a bit, and hung up. For Christmas, it was just the three of them, all day.
I'm glad I got through it. I was tearing up a bit in church, and missed them when I was away. I'm glad I missed her on the phone, though. I just didn't really want to talk to her, and hope, just maybe, she's realizing what she's throwing away, but I'm not optimistic.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
I'm not able to write much tonight but saw your update. It's good you were able to spend Christmas with other family members and stay busy. I'm sure it would have been better with your kids but it's good you survived and hopefully next week there will be comfort in returning to the regular routine.
What is it about church? It's supposed to be a place of support and hope but I also had tears in my eyes at church on Christmas Eve. I wish God could take away our pain but sadly it doesn't work like that. I'm sure everyone here who goes to church struggles with their faith to some degree when going through a divorce.
I feel sure your wife missed you on Christmas day. If you two were married for 23 years this is a major reality check to spend Christmas alone. If you apologized sincerely to your wife I think it's crazy if she doesn't want to give the marriage another shot but it's at least good the two of you are working through everything without major fights or drama.
What is it about church? It's supposed to be a place of support and hope but I also had tears in my eyes at church on Christmas Eve. I wish God could take away our pain but sadly it doesn't work like that. I'm sure everyone here who goes to church struggles with their faith to some degree when going through a divorce.
I feel sure your wife missed you on Christmas day. If you two were married for 23 years this is a major reality check to spend Christmas alone. If you apologized sincerely to your wife I think it's crazy if she doesn't want to give the marriage another shot but it's at least good the two of you are working through everything without major fights or drama.
Your comment about church made me think, and I have no answers. Maybe it's all the other families, maybe it's the memories. I don't know, but I do find it a somewhat painful reminder.
I took my kids skiing last night. It was the first time I'd seen them since Christmas, and I asked them how was Christmas, what did they do..... It was just the three of them. I think that's very sad, for all of them. But.......
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
Does it count as validation if she never got the message? LOL
I texted her to ask for her schedule for the month so we could figure out when we would each have the kids, so I could plan mine. For some reason she could see that I sent her a text, but not the text itself. She went on to say her water wasn't working, and elaborated a little bit.
I said "wow, sounds like you having a hard time..." and told her I knew she could handle it.
But she called a little later, I didn't answer, and sent a text "I'm out right now.... What's up?"
She replied that she still couldn't read my texts, but was sure I wanted to know her schedule, so she gave me the info I was looking for.
I just think it's funny that I finally validated, and distanced, and did it right, but she never got the messages. And I guess, now that I'm typing it, I'm kind of proud of myself that I think it's funny, rather than being upset that she didn't notice.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
I said "wow, sounds like you having a hard time..." and told her I knew she could handle it.
I don't understand. What did she say? What were you validating? Were you telling this to her, based on what your kids said in the phone conversation about their Christmas?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
