Merry Christmas to all in DB land. 6 months post BD and Christmas time and I can't believe how good I feel!!
Had step-daughter, son-in-law and 3 grandkids and H's first wife (she has become a friend) over for Christmas dinner yesterday. This is still my family! I am not giving them up either. H will be with them tomorrow. I had a delightful evening with them all and this will become one of my new traditions going forward.
Maybe weird since it's still pretty recent but I find I'm not missing H much anymore and didn't miss him at all at my Christmas dinner.
Now off to a resort with a good friend for the next few days. Life is good!
Merry Christmas and may you all find some joy and peace.
I am glad that you created a new tradition and I don't blame you...I wouldn't give them up either. They are your family as well. It's nice when you can surround yourself w/family and friends for the holiday.
Travel safely and enjoy your time away.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I just learned very recently what H has been telling people about our marriage. He's been throwing me under the bus quite a bit. Regarding his OW,,,he says he was miserable for years in the marriage and for him the marriage was dead. Then along comes OW and how can he be faulted for jumping into that since marriage was dead.
That hurts. How could I have missed that he was so bloody unhappy? And why on earth wouldn't he suggest MC or make some effort, or at least tell me!
OW entered H's life 20 days before BD. Right up to BD and OW I believed we had a good M. Friends thought we were very compatible and were happy. Many envious of our M.
in the meantime H continues his very frequent touch and go's. I try to create distance and to reduce the touch and go's but he shows great reluctance to let it go. Also in the meantime, his relationship with OW continues to deepen. It's a LDR - she won't leave her town but he tells her he wants to be with her. They are discussing him relocating but he tells me no way he can move - can't work there for anything like the same income and he doesnt want to leave his family either. H won't tell his OW this but he still has relocation talks with her!
Contradictions are what MLC is all about. One minute they think and say things one way and the next it's totally different.
As for him being unhappy, I'm not surprised that he is saying he was unhappy for years. They rewrite history and this is the depression talking loud and clear and it is all part of the MLC lingo. Don't drink the Kool Aid he is serving up. If he had been that miserable, you would have been aware of it. If he had been that miserable, he should have spoken up. No! It's the MLC/depression talking.
As for the OW, if it had not been her, it would have been someone else. When they are in MLC, they are ripe for anyone that will give them attention and stroke their egos. They want someone who will devote attention on them, listen to their BS and be fun w/o responsibilities and the one major thing...generally the OW has no clue about what really went on in the marriage between the two of you.
Try to limit your contact w/him. The pull for the OW is very strong and time will tell if he will move to where she is. You don't want to be Plan B. You want to be Plan A, the prize.
Please take some time and travel around the forum. You will find that your h is doing and saying many of the same things that the others have described in their postings. Reading other threads will help you better understand what is happening and may even provide you some guidance on how to detach a bit more and react to his MLC lingo and behavior.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
The contradictions are incomprehensible. There’s a reason why they say you can’t believe what they say. I know that but I still listen to my stbx...and I never know what I’m going to get. One minute I’m the b f f the next minute I am the source of her unhappiness, etc. As hard as it is to do, try and tune it out and when you can’t, don’t waste your time trying to make sense of it.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Job and Gordie are correct that the contradictions are simply crazy. My ex said that I was her best friend and that she loved me up until the day the D was final. What is even more crazy is that she still has our pics up in her office. None of them are in her condo, but that is to be expected I guess.
They spin the tales they want to so that their friends and family agree with them and everything will go their way. The truth always has a way of coming out, so keep yourself focused on you and your personal growth.
Me 49 W46 T25 M22 S22 D18 S13 W had EA Apr-Jul 2016 Dropped Bomb 7/9/16 ILYBINILWYA HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17 Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
Contradictions - probably best ignored. Finding that tough when he insists that our marriage was bad. In the beginning he admitted it was very good and over the last 6 months that has turned into "unhappy for many years".
Last time I saw H a few days ago, I told him we need to reduce our contact. Right now it's no more than a few days before I hear from him. H is determined to restore a friendship. I expressed serious doubts about that - too awkward and what on earth can we talk about anymore? All H said is maybe it's too soon now and let's see how things go in the New Year. For now, H said he will respect my wishes. Then he says he will be back next week to fix a few things.
I have to admit something - as much as I believe that NC would help me, I can't seem to stop feeling some kind of hope when he resists the NC request. It seems clear that he still cares about me and might one day want me back, or maybe that's just wishful thinking. I have to admit also that despite the painful cycling his contact creates, there is a big part of me that wants to hear from him or see him. And when I do, I am looking for any little sign that he at least still cares for me and that things are on the rocks with OW. The reality is that the R with OW has never been better while H and I are the most distant we have ever been and continues to decline.
Back to NC or much reduced contact. How should I handle the Happy New Years thing? It seems harsh to not wish him a HNY. At the same time, I did ask for reduced contact and if I send him a text I would be the first to break that silence.
Here's a suggestion...don't tell him that you need to reduce contact between you. Just do it...actions speak louder than words. Why? Because the more you tell him to reduce the contact, the more determine he will be to stay in touch. He can't miss you if you are there and readily communicate w/him. Set your boundaries and adhere to them. You don't have to tell/remind him of what your boundaries are...again, actions speak louder than words.
Only contact him if it's an emergency or a need to know deal. Leave him to his space. You've got things to do as it is a new year. Keep the focus on you!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi GalPal, I agree with Job. From what I have read about MLC, there are different contact types. Some disappear entirely, some mostly disappear but you'll hear from them every now and then (my XH) and some are keen to stay in regular contact.
I think the 'regular contact' MLCer is possibly the hardest to deal with as they present you with ongoing dilemmas to navigate.
The main thing is to do what works for you. If less contact works well for you right now, just do it. Slow any responses right down. Sometimes friends may contact me when I'm really busy. A couple of days later I'll think - oh gosh I never got back to Ann and then I'll reply to her note. Become like that.
If it helps you, make technology work for you. XH had 'instant' access to me when the email account he used for contact was on my phone. I took it off my phone and only checked that account on iPad when I was home. It was a great relief that the contact became on my terms. And of course he never knew.
So, I agree that not saying any more about it is the best way and just change your own behaviour. Be a responder rather than an initiator and be a relatively slow and minimal responder if that works best for you.
Take care and a happy new year to you xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Agree wig S. Do what works for you. Some NC works. Some friendship works. I am struggling with this myself and stbx wants to stay BFFs.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
xx