Squinting at the morning sun

[ciluzen]

So, updating. My computer died while in Cali, so there's alot that went on since the last post. I'll try to be brief, but well...it's me.

My mom lives just south of the big fire in California. I had to change the airport that I was flying into/out of because there was no reliable way to get to her house from the airport I was scheduled to use. I was trying to keep her from driving in LA, but it happened anyway. We had a pleasant visit, but while I was down it became confession time for both mom and my much older brother, presumably because I'm training to be a therapist. I listened, but wow. Now I really understand so much more about why my mother and brother behave the way they do...and how much damage can be done to not only yourself but to everyone around you if you keep it all locked in. I won't ever be able to hear, "it's nobody's business" said to loved ones without thinking how incredibly short-sighted and potentially damaging that attitude can be. What you try to hide comes out; in misunderstood behavior or emotional reactivity, if not words or shared feelings.

Along those lines, I also went to visit with my in-laws. XH called quite a few times...he was worried that I might be treated badly, as his father is (according to him) very mean to everyone and crazy. What I saw was a man who was on his best behavior with me, who was depressed and broken. He was a bit irritated by my MIL's repetetive "loop" questions, but not too bad. My mother-in-law seems just...cute. Happy, but confused by everything. But really wanting to be part of the conversation. So, brother-in-law and I both tried to include her often. It was nice to see them, and BIL seemed very happy to see me. He texted me later and told me I would always be "his only sister". I was deeply touched by that.

Fast forward to Christmas day. Both girls and their men came as did XH. We had a good time eating (always a good activity) and playing games. XH was in rare form...shouted out, "mom gets to be on my team!" (flashes me a grin), kept answering things that had to do with me or my "stuff" in Scattergories(more looks at me and grin flashing), even answering a terms of endearment question with my pet name in the voice he always used when saying it...looked me right in the eyes while smiling. I didn't get him a present this year, but I did include him when creating stockings from Santa. Everyone got a kick out of the random stocking stuffers and there was a lot of laughter...we all had fun. He stayed a bit after, I got a very nice hug, and a sweet thank you text after he left. Oh...and this year I got a Christmas present for the first time in two years. I know my D27 and he went shopping on X-mas eve after skiing and she said it was because he felt obligated to bring me presents since I was hosting. But it was different. Still no expectations of R, but something is going on in that noggin.

Two days later he came by to pick up the presents from his father (they were all sent to me). I was painting and he just walked in after a quick knock. Instead of just grabbing his stuff, he walked over to the fridge and grabbed a beer, came over and talked. Nothing deep. Grabbed another beer and continued. He threw in some info about his activities (he seldom offers up info on what he does) and even mentioned Bubble's kids a few times (I'm aware that they still do things together, but with her husband and the kids- even moreso the kids). I made sure to not react, but to listen. I'm usually wrong in what I assume he's thinking...I'm not a good mindreader. So, I'm becoming a pretty good listener...and sometimes a question asker.

One funny thing. In one thread I told of him meeting me on the ski hill when we were still seperated. We had lunch together and he wanted to show me plans for the mountainside lodging at the real estate office next door. He referred to the plans while we were talking and I brought up that I'd seen them and related the story about him taking me to the office (but not when). He immediately said he must have dragged me kicking and screaming into that office. I gently brought up the circumstances and told him that I quite enjoyed that day and he seemed to as well. He looked at me for a second...he seemed to have no memory at all of it. He moved on with his talking.

So, what did I learn from this? I am a negative. I am still the bad memory...even though the memory is innaccurate. It is possible that even though our interactions are good or fun or enjoyable, there is a chance that he will remember them differently and negatively. But somewhere in there, the good still exists. He showed me that on Christmas. There seems to be a battle going on in his head. That's his battle, though.

Hmmm. Definitely not brief.