WAS showing you positive signs? WAIT- READ THIS!

[Zues126]

Thank you very much for the kind words and challenging discussion. I wanted to expand a bit on a better way of looking at 'limbo'.

I trained and managed sales people for a long time and I've identified what I think the most common mistake they make: They don't understand the cancer of maybe. From day one sales people think that a customer saying "yes" is good and "no" is bad, so they kind of assume that "maybe" must be not as good as a yes, but better than nothing, because hey, they didn't say no.

Nothing could be further from the truth. Sales isn't about getting everyone to buy a product or service; it's about managing a pipeline to ensure there are enough prospects in every stage of the sales process to ensure there is always business getting done. It is like a machinist operating an assembly line. It's ok if some parts are defective. What is the most critical thing is that the machine keeps moving and the wheels keep turning. Suppose a machine produced 500 parts an hour and 2% of them were defective, and their job was to scrap the 2%. Imagine if there was one that was hard to judge, it wasn't perfect but wasn't quite defective. Would it make any sense for them to shut the machine off for an hour to stare at that one part and ponder? Of course not! Just shrug, scrap it, and keep the thing moving! Maybes do the same thing in sales, they bog down the pipeline and turn these maybes into time thiefs and cost sales people the opportunity to start new conversations with new prospects that might need something.

Why don't sales people get this? Emotions. It's hard and scary to talk to new prospects and it's easier to have non-committal follow up conversations with people that you know.

Back to limbo (although if this helps any of your sales careers then that's icing on the cake). Limbo is a 'maybe'. You can't think of it as 'better than a no'. Whether they tell you they want a D (no) or whether they tell you they need some time for themselves (maybe), if the question is "Do I have a committed partner" the answer is NO equally the same!. This same principle holds true to any other boundary. Someone that feels bad about their affair and is planning on ending it is having an affair. Etc.

When your boundaries have been violated it is imperative that you detach completely and refuse to engage in R talks. Because no matter what words you speak, what you're saying is "I'm willing to compromise your boundaries". Look - if the FBI asked a terrorist to release a hostage and the terrorist told them that they had some regrets about the situation and were feeling kind of sad and would work on feeling like releasing the hostage, how do you think that would work out???

So what do you do instead? I'm not saying stone wall. Not at all. If they start an R talk you can certainly VALIDATE. You can demonstrate 180s through your ACTIONS (NOT your words). But you cannot, must not, pour emotional energy into a relationship that doesn't meet your minimum requirements. Continue to work on yourself for you, GAL to meet your emotional needs elsewhere so you don't feel as needy, and be a leader. I always say that you can't expect a WAS to let go of OP if you can't let go of them. Lead by example and show them what it means to take control of your own happiness and act with character.

Now, I'm not suggesting this is the answer to everything. There are certainly limbos where the boundaries aren't black and white. Like a spouse that isn't cheating, hasn't filed, has said they aren't sure what they want yet. This is a difficult situation and there is much more that could be discussed about it. Time means a lot here because if this has gone on for one day that is totally different than 10 years. Each person has to find what they feel is the right boundary. Do you stand for marriage for the rest of your life on character? Do you decide to move on after a year, or six months, and file yourself? Not easy decisions to make.

But in the end, let's be clear that identifying your boundaries based on your beliefs and personal values is the hard part. What to do if someone crosses those boundaries should be very clear and flawlessly executed. And reengaging with a person that has violated your boundaries should happen only in the face of remorse and recommitment. And then it should follow slowly based on consistent positive action. Anything else is telling the terrorists that you'll give them what they want because you trust that they'll get around to releasing the hostages...