I've been lurking since my last post. Sometimes I'm not sure how I feel so not sure what to write. With it being holiday time, it has been tough for me emotionally so I thought I would journal a little.
First, thank you for your last post, Gordie. I am trying to get back to the me that I like being and your advice has helped. Right now I am finding it particularly difficult to remain happy due to the circumstances at home...which is so confusing because they aren't bad, per se.
During the holidays, W's family comes to town from California and stays with us a lot. Because of that, in the build up to Christmas/new years, we are surrounded by family and friends...even at home. I was not prepared for that to be hard on me. I think it is because when there are people around, W acts normal. She isn't 100% normal towards me, but more so than previously. It is hard for me to see her act so normal when I know the second everyone leaves she will go back to being cold and distant. I want to laugh and have fun and joke around with everyone like everything is normal (like she is doing), but it is hard to ACT happy for a length of time. I'm trying anyways, and a little happy sneaks in here and there, but it is short lived. I almost find it easier for her being cold and distant because then I am able to see things more clearly for what they are. I know she isn't feeling normal. She spent the last year treating us like crap...you can't just go back to normal after that. She does say she wants things to work out, but any time we have a conv about things I get to see how messed up her thinking is, despite her saying she wants it to work out.
Then there is my birthday to consider. I turn 40 tomorrow. My W was going to plan me a party, but it never really happened and my family has been calling wanting to know what was going on because they hadn't heard from W about the plans (she had been talking to them about it). So, I took over and planned a small dinner with my family. It just feels so awkward to take the planning of my 40th bday from her to schedule myself. Might have been different if I had been planning it from the start, but apparently she was going to plan a big surprise party for me. Not sure why I thought she might be capable of that...guess I got sucked in to her acting normal for a bit and thought she could do it. It seems that she is now planning a "big" party for me several weeks from now...which I don't understand. My bday is on the first day of a 3 day weekend for a change and family is still in town. 2 weeks from now will not be a 3 day weekend, will not be my bday, and family will be back out of town.
Again, think its just hard right now because in person she is acting normal, but its just too hard for me not to see all that is wrong still...despite the appearance of normalcy. I think another thing that is getting to me is how I know family must be perceiving her. Although they know she was going through something previously (moved out, EA, depression, etc), right now she is functioning normally around them. They most likely think things are better. I imagine that I am the one that seems depressed...or at very least not my normal jovial self.
