WAS showing you positive signs? WAIT- READ THIS!

[sandi2]

You know, of course, that I love Zues' post, b/c it is not sugar coated, and brings to light a very important lesson. This is a perfect example of how the LBH has to keep detached, or he will be suckered into every little emotional down time his W experiences.

You LBH's understand what it's like to miss the life you had, before she pulled the rug out from under you. Well, she misses parts of it, too. She misses the comfortable parts, like missing a pair of her favorite house shoes. She misses the family togetherness, the family outings, family traditions, etc. She may miss the friendship or support she felt with you. However, my point is that everything is about her. Everything has a selfish angle, whether you can see it or not. It's the nature of the beast, so to speak. It's all about her feelings.....and hers only. It does not mean she is offering a olive branch, as so many LBH's want to think. It does not mean she's having second thoughts about ending the M.

She may turn to you when she has the blues or feels disappointed/worried, b/c that's what she used to do when you were together. She knows you'll soothe her feelings. So, she uses your shoulder to cry on, to get sympathy. It's all about her feelings.......not yours, not the kids or anyone else.

WAS's are much farther gone that we think.

Very true, and it's going to take more of the right kind of work and a lot more time before she'll be in the right place (mentally & emotionally) to return to a committed MR. For some, by the time the bomb drops, several years have built to that point.....and she's announcing that it's over. Some LBH's misinterpret the BD to mean she wants him to change and work on the MR. That is not what she's saying. She is saying it is over and she is done!

The board focuses a lot on the LBS making changes. I think a lot of newcomers have the idea that these changes are the "work" that gets the other spouse back into the relationship. Well, if it had been caught way before the BD, maybe that would have been the ticket. However, by the time people find their way to the board, it has gone way past that mark. I'm not saying it's a waste of time to work on self improvements. It's never too late to improve yourself. In most of the cases I've read about, the type of changes the LBH needed to make was in the dynamics of the relationship.

Here's the thing, the LBH has a work to do.....and his W has a work to do. Their work is not parallel nor on the same time clock. His work and her work will look somewhat different and her work will appear to come later than his. Much of her work will be internal, but the results should definitely show overtly. She will not feel the need to change until she is convinced she has been very, very wrong. This condition usually doesn't come until she has suffered the loss of something very valuable to her, or an accumulated loss.

The LBH should not fear his W experiencing consequences. It's the only thing that will bring her out of the fantasy she's created. Reality can be a real b'tch, and she needs a lot of it.....and the quicker, the better.

In conclusion, if you are seeing signs that your spouse wants to return, post all about it here. Get it out of your system. Overreact on these forums. Tell us how it's going to work out after all, that we were wrong, that YOU KNEW your WAS, you KNEW they would fall back into your arms, that you think you are in piecing, etc, etc, etc. But please, for all that is good and holy, stay detached from them outwardly and give them time to see if they actually recommit, show true remorse, and prove it to you with consistent behavior over time.

I agree. Plus, I've never seen a successful reconciliation where they just fell into each other's arms. As previously stated by Zues, it's just not that simple. Only in the movies, does that work. In real life, there has to be a lot more, as Zues has pointed out. I don't recommend that any LBH take back his W if she is not remorseful and committed. If she's laying down the terms of their reconciliation......don't do it. She is in no position (unless the LBH was the offender....and that's another subject).

Feeling remorse and actually committing are two separate things. Some women feel regret after they have D and M someone new. Some women feel regret, but it doesn't automatically cause them to want back into a committed MR with the LBH. I think a lot of LBH's try to put words into the W's mouth. They shouldn't. He can ask her questions, if she doesn't say what he needs to hear......like if she's fully committed to do whatever it takes to save the MR. And, let me tell you......there's some women who just don't feel that ready! They want to tell the LBH what he needs to do. All of that can be talked out, once she makes known if she's willing to do what he needs to feel safe in the MR again.

I plead with all the LBH's to not get in a hurry to take back your W. Take time to see if she's changed. Arrange therapy sessions for whatever issues were in the MR. Usually, there is much healing required. During this time, slowly start seeing each other (dating) in fun settings, having shared time with the kids, etc. Don't worry about rushing in too quickly on the romantic stuff, but do find out if she's willing to have an intimate MR. If she not, then you may want to really reconsider reconciling.

Of course, I'm wasting my breath on some of you, b/c you'll want to start living together as soon as she apologizes and jump into bed that night. I wish I could get you to take it much, much slower. It would save a lot of future heartache.