Gordie, our situations are a little different, but I can really relate to how you feel. I think, for me at least, the reason I feel like I've gone backwards a little in how I feel (confidence built back to sad/depressed) has to do with 1)holidays/family time...and 2) my W's change in reactions to me. By that I mean that when she is being "nice" or trying to act normal, it hurts me not to return with kindness. Not that I'm mean back, but I love her and want to be close to her. When it "seems" like she shows any interest at all, my natural inclination is to reciprocate. This has not served me well in the past (since BD anyways) so I've stopped doing it, but it makes me sad to go against my natural reaction, especially when it is towards someone I love and have spent the majority of my life with.
When I read about your W's attempts at sex and even the tears she shed, it made me wonder if some of your sadness comes from not being able to reciprocate when that's what you really WANT to do, even though you know you can't/shouldn't. I think being kind and loving is something that is a big part of you (and all of us or we wouldn't be here) and this situation is causing you to not be able to be yourself with someone you love. Maybe focusing on being as much of your natural self as possible in all other areas might help with the small parts where you can't. I feel like I keep getting caught up thinking that all my sadness is part of missing her, but I think a big chunk is me actually missing ME. I wonder if you might be experiencing some of the same.
I have found that helping people in need alleviate a lot of that for me. My sister had some plumbing issues a couple weeks ago and her husband is not Mr Fixit. I decided to go over and help her out and it was very gratifying to see the level of appreciation she showed. It felt so nice to be show love and help out and then to be appreciated in a real way for it. I had almost forgotten what that felt like. It made me feel like me again. Not sure if you are feeling the same way, but I wanted to share just in case you might be feeling like me.
You really are an inspiration to me. You may not FEEL like the pillar of strength that you are, but from the outside looking in you are THE MAN!! Thank you for coming here and sharing. Leaning on each other helps more than I would have ever guessed.
