Adjusting to being a LBS....

[Vanilla]

Anger is good, I like it very much. Wished it was part of me, I have often admired Zues and his directed anger. I have little anger just glimpses of it.

Rage is not anger, rage is frustration and control. My own screaming banshee was reactive abuse- born of frustration and lack of control over my own life. Rage is destructive to the soul and it is abuse. I am other than proud of that phase.

Rage is destruction and damage.

I encourage you to distinguish the two. Keep rage away from your children. Rage is not a scream of pain but of revenge.

Anger is your friend, motivating and directive. It is a gift if you have it. Some of us work from fear (like V) and that is rage. It is a state not an emotion and you will be best to keep it away from your family. It's abuse and it should stop -full stop.

And stopping it wasn't easy, that was part of my path.

V

[Zues126]

V, I like your distinction between anger and rage. It makes sense that anger can be healthy and productive and that rage is more destructive.

My point is we are all human and I think it's easy to be too hard on ourselves. I can't speak for women but there isn't a man I know who hasn't become enraged and lost his temper on some occasion. I don't believe this alone indicates someone is a bad man or abusive. This isn't to say that there aren't raging men that are abusive, just that not every man that has lost his temper is.

I at one point was taken in with her words that I was a horrible bad man that drove XW away from me because I was abusive and scary and failed in my duty to cherish and protect and instead made her feel scared and woke up her PTSD from an angry father. It sounds like a plausible narrative, until one day I looked in the mirror at myself and I woke up and called foul. I don't buy it anymore. I'm not suggesting that every piece was entirely fabricated or that it doesn't sound plausible, but put together in that package it wasn't even close to true. This was coming from a vengeful WW that has since accused me of being responsible for our miscarriage due to an alleged drug habit and much other craziness. I allowed myself to be shamed and manipulated (with the hope of self punishing myself back into a marriage) into believing it. XW has hurt me enough, I'm not going to join forces with her to hurt myself further.

It's all about balance. Healthy anger vs rage. Humility on one hand, confidence in who we are and what we are here to do on the other. Even being in balance and being out of balance is a human balance. We know we'll never be perfect but not letting that stop us from being our best. Thanks V.

[Subitai]

Glad I did not pounce on the “feeling confused” discussion yesterday as today we are back into coolish and distant. Less flirty and talkative.

That would have been an instant pursuit from me even a week or two ago and a follow up emotional crash and burn.

[Zues126]

Inspired by you Subitai. Hang in.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2772942#Post2772942

[Subitai]

That is a great post, Zeus. It is crazy hard not to jump on every crumb when you are starving.

[Vanilla]

The problem is rage as a tactic to control. A pattern of rage is different to reactive anger or rage.

If an individual doesn't have rage with their boss, the doctor at the hospital, the policeman, the traffic warden....

If no rage at the above list then rage is an excuse for bad behaviour.

Rage is inappropriate when directed at those you love. It can never be undone if it causes a spell break.

Just saying

V

[Subitai]

Yes, exactly. The rage, excessive anger reaction is a control method, and not a healthy one. This is the dynamic I need to break. This is the dynamic I WILL break.

We are heading back home now after the family visit. WaW talked to my family last night while I was putting the kids to bed a little bit, so they have a bit of her side of the story now. She is still upset that I didn’t start some of my changes before the BD and doesn’t think post BD changes mean anything. Marathon, not a sprint. Gotta keep repeating that to myself.

[Subitai]

We got home, S had a meltdown where he was getting physical and calling names at the W, so I moved him to his room for a time out. W is exhausted ( we all are, got up at 5 am for flight) and she got into bed. She said “I love you....by the way.”. I didn’t know what to say, so I said “Thank you.”. She said she wasn’t saying it to get me to say it back.

Ughhhhh.

[Subitai]

Is this what is meant by a temp check?

[Subitai]

Man, being back in the marital home is hard. It has been a whopping six hours and Infeel my spirits falling. W is out of the house, will not come back until late, but the whole house just feels oppressive. I hadn’t realized how nice it was to be away from the sitch, even if we were together. It felt kinda like old times. But not. And no pressure. I am sure she felt a lot, but she seemed to hold up well.