This will be a fairly long post because this story has so many complications it's hard to portray an accurate picture.
Background Me 36, W 33, together for 6 years, M for 4.5, no kids.
We always had a very loving and stable relationship with plenty of good times and virtually zero arguments. We would argue at most once or twice a year.
W and I met overseas and moved in within 1 year, got married the next. We built up our careers and finances and decided to move to her motherland on the other side of the world 2 years ago. Neither of us had family involvements during the first 4 years of our relationship because all of them were living overseas.
We were planning to have kids soon and started conception vitamins and dropped contraception in January.
Employment issue Coming into a new country we had challenges furthering our careers and after 3 months of unemployment I found my dream job. Unfortunately things became very rocky and I lost my job in a brutally unfair way being screwed over for tens of thousands of dollars. Shocked by the way I was treated I decided to fight my ex-employer and commence legal proceedings. As soon as I did this my wife's step-dad (SDiL) pushed me not to go ahead with this. I ignored his comments and did what I thought was right.
Several months went by, my ex-employer was playing hard ball and did not want to admit any wrong doing. In the mean time my wife was nagging me to drop the case almost every day and sex changed into a monthly activity. I had no concerns about our relationship as we were still going out having fun, seeing friends, smiling, kissing, hugging like any couple in love. I thought the decrease of sexual activity came down to stress.
Counselling Around April this year my wife suddenly said "I believe our relationship is in crisis". My response: "WTH? What are you talking about?". She then suggested to see a counsellor.
We had 2 sessions at the C where she made a huge fuss to get me to drop the case. I defended myself as to why fair treatment and justice was important to me. The C helped see W why it meant so much to me and I felt satisfied, she stopped her nagging. Our relationship seemed back on track and we still continued with romantic activities as usual, sex was still at a low due to the stress of the situation.
Dropping the bomb The weekend before my legal hearing was due I asked my W if she was OK with it all. She said "I'm going to see my mother" and left the house. She didn't come home that night. Next morning I checked the bank account and half of it had gone. I suffered a breakdown myself, heart racing, panic attacks, hyper ventilation. I didn't sleep for 48 hours. There was no indication that she was going to do anything like this.
We had 3 more C sessions since, where she said the infamous "I love you but I'm no longer in love with you". She said she was going to live with her parents for a while and needed time and space. During these C sessions she kept on being angry and blaming me for everything. No matter how much I apologised and said I would change, nothing was good enough.
We both went on trips for 1.5 weeks and returned to the C. She then said "I no longer have the energy to work on the relationship". When the C asked her if that meant D her reply was "I don't know." My world collapsed once more.
Isolation From that moment onward my W went into isolation. She moved to an unknown address (with her parents), changed her phone number and stopped talking to two thirds of her friends. Any attempts I made to talk to her failed. Any attempt friends (who are shocked and disgusted by her behaviour) made were dismissed saying they have to "accept her decision", "she doesn't want to be judged" and "she doesn't have to explain herself". Eventually even her own father got cut-off.
Snooping and revelations Not having received news from my W for weeks, I realised she left behind her old phone and I couldn't contain myself and read her messages. I found a msg from MIL to W's BFF saying that it was none of her business and she should leave my W alone. I found another msg from MIL to W recommending her to enter the dating scene and find a new BF. Within days I found my W on Tinder. Then I found evidence that my W had met up with 3 guys and had sex with 1 one of them (unprotected). This bugged me a lot because it took me 3 years to get her to drop condoms whilst we were in a stable relationship. She seemingly committed this act whilst drunk.
Toxic in-law involvement Throughout these 12 months of the legal battle my MiL had been pressuring my W to get me to drop the case. (For reasons stills unknown to me). My W was constantly feeding back to MiL how I wasn't listening and how annoyed she was with me being unemployed and so determined to fight this. This boiled MiL's blood to very high pressure levels.
I placed a recorder in our house whilst W and SDiL came to collect her belongings and found evidence that SDiL wanted to destroy my heartfelt letter I wrote to my W. My W protested saying "she had not made that decision yet". It was clear he was pushing her to leave me.
Once my W went into isolation I attempted to talk to her parents. MiL refused to engage. SDiL decided to meet up and we spoke 3 hours.
In this meeting he said I would never see my W again. I was told I had to pack up and move out back to Europe. He said you are no longer welcome in this country, you disrespected your W. He repeated about 30 times that the M was over, I had to move on and find a new W because my W was never coming home.
I stupidly dropped some of my motivations for the legal case to my SDiL and mentioned hints that I knew about my W's adultery. He dismissed everything saying that she is no longer my W and M is "just a piece of paper". Quote: "She stopped being your W the moment she walked out of that house".
The next day 4 police officers showed up at my house questioning me about "hacking my wife's account".
I postponed the legal hearing for my own personal well-being and found that SDiL used BiL to contact my lawyer and ask him to drop the case "on family grounds". Then SDiL wrote a testimony against me and submitted that to my ex-employer. When I finally got to the hearing 2 months later my ex-employer mentioned several facts that I had confided to my SDiL and he couldn't have known otherwise.
It was then obvious to me that my in-laws had tried to sabotage my legal case and had used my wife as a pawn to emotionally blackmail me to ensure I would drop it.
I managed to win the case with a full apology and emotional compensation pay-out.
To this day I still do not understand what has motivated my in-laws to go to such extremes to prevent me from winning this case.
AFAIK, my W is completely oblivious to the amount of sabotage and awful tactics her parents used against me.
Current situation My W almost seems to be held "hostage" by her parents. Nobody can talk to her about the situation, I cannot reach her other than by e-mail (not suitable). I do not know where she is.
Friends who tried to talk got shut down, until last week her BFF finally managed to meet her. As soon as the subject changed to the situation my W threatened to leave the scene. BFF told her to sit the *bleep* down and listen to her. In that conversation W disclosed that she was incredibly angry with me for reading her messages and betraying her trust. She also mentioned that she no longer trusts anybody that talks to me (including her own father.)
Then she mentioned that she decided to go "stable" with her Tinder date and has been in a 4 month re-bound relationship with him. This relationship started 10 days after last seeing her so to me it's obvious that this is a form of escape and avoiding grief.
Her parents have made it very clear she can never return to me because I have "disrespected her and the rest of the family". It seems that she is enduring high levels of emotional distress.
Mental health issues My W has been suffering from serious depression and anxiety for 15+ yrs. She takes citalopram in the highest legal doses daily. I have always been a stable factor to keep her "sane" in her daily doings... as she described "her rock". The moment that I stopped being "her rock" by facing challenges myself the marriage flipped upside down.
Her anxiety is so extreme that she has questioned having kids out of fear we have a stillborn or a child with autism or another debilitating illness.
She has portrayed a similar pattern of "escaping reality" when she was 16 and her parents divorced. She fled her dad's house leaving everything behind and without telling him where she was going. Now she has done it again to her husband.
Interestingly enough her mother is like a goddess to her that cannot be defied. Even though MiL abandoned her when she went through her own D and my W had to live with her BFF's family for nearly 2 years.
Both MiL and SDiL deny my W suffers from mental illness.
Conclusion As you can see I have gone through a terrible roller coaster, I am dealing with unstable WAW that will not listen to any external source telling her facts. Her parents have ring-fenced her by not allow interactions with her and pushed her on a path of a new relationship.
I have decided to do the 180, but I remain in frequent contact with people close to her. Our wider social circle (including all her friends) highly disapprove her actions, but nobody can talk to her about it. Most people around me are telling me to forget about her but I love her dearly and it's just incredibly hard to get over this. Also I have had no closure because she never told me she wanted a D.
Legally you cannot divorce until having been separated for 2yrs in this country so I can't do anything but wait and focus on myself.
I am doing well personally it has taken me huge amounts of strength to retain my sanity.
Thank you for taking the time to reading this story.
Truthbuster.
Married 4.5, Together 6 M: 36, W: 33, no kids Separation date: 7/8/2017 Bomb dropped: 8/18/2017 Last communication: 1/8/2018 - now nothing OM confirmed - now ended (?)
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
I realise that this is a really lengthy story and things look very bleak but I would genuinely appreciate any comment anybody may have, even if they are just words of support.
Truthbuster.
Married 4.5, Together 6 M: 36, W: 33, no kids Separation date: 7/8/2017 Bomb dropped: 8/18/2017 Last communication: 1/8/2018 - now nothing OM confirmed - now ended (?)
T....I might have missed it by was her family so against the lawsuit against your employer? Is their a family connection?
I have asked that question outright several times.
#1 In November 2016 just when I started prepping the legal case I asked SDiL why he was against it. His response "it will cause problems in the family". I didn't see why so I ignored it. In my eyes it was a matter between me and my ex-boss.
#2 In September 2017 after the BD when I met up with SDiL I repeated my question. His response: "I told you last year it would cause problems.". I said "I don't see why?". He started laughing and said "You don't see why??".
That was all I got out of them. MiL never commented about it, she let SDiL do all the dirty work.
The only link that I am aware of is that my MiL has a working relationship with my ex-boss as she is a client of the company. I don't see any reason why an employment conflict would have an impact on that relationship other than embarrassment.
A lot of people in my social circles suspect there may be something deeper, such as a financial underhand deal or something else. If that was the case, why did they not speak up about it?
Truthbuster.
Married 4.5, Together 6 M: 36, W: 33, no kids Separation date: 7/8/2017 Bomb dropped: 8/18/2017 Last communication: 1/8/2018 - now nothing OM confirmed - now ended (?)
Obviously I don't know all the details but it is obvious there is some kind of a connection. My in-laws could give a $hit less who I took to court. It would have been nice if they were more clear about the situation with you.
A lot of people in my social circles suspect there may be something deeper, such as a financial underhand deal or something else. If that was the case, why did they not speak up about it?
Obviously there is more beneath the surface that you don't know about. Why - who knows what lies were told and what they did not want light of day to be seen.
I am certain there must be deeper reasons for them to behave like this, but in the mean time I have a WAW. The case has been resolved so that fact can no longer be changed.
Currently I don't think reaching out to her in any way shape or form would make a difference to her "feelings". She would most likely just get more angry.
From recent conversations with friends that have spoken to her I am now aware of the following: - she is furious with me for reading her messages and betraying her privacy - she is even more furious that I have disclosed information about her adultery to her friends and dad - she doesn't trust me nor does she trust anybody who talks to me
This was also the reason why, after numerous attempts by her dad to talk to her, she finally told him she never wanted to see him again. She explained herself to her friend a few weeks later saying that she does not trust her dad because he talks to me.
In the meantime MiL and SDiL believe they have been victorious. Their daughter is finally removed from this horrible H.
I think the best solution here is time, because she will soon see that her current R will lead to nothing. But in order for us to RC, she needs to stand up and defy her parents. And that will be hard graft.
I have both DB/DR books and read them both. Also I have requested 3 coaching sessions, just to get a professional view on the situation and any recommendations for the time being.
Truthbuster.
Married 4.5, Together 6 M: 36, W: 33, no kids Separation date: 7/8/2017 Bomb dropped: 8/18/2017 Last communication: 1/8/2018 - now nothing OM confirmed - now ended (?)
A bit an of an update. I had my first session with DB Coach Joann on 1/3/2018.
She said a few things that were quite eye-opening: - the reason my wife is still so angry means that she is still attached - if she wouldn't care about me anymore the anger wouldn't be there - the fact that she doesn't trust anybody that talks to me indicates that she is suffering a bad spell of paranoia - she indicated that the toxic in-laws will most likely push my wife and they will make a mistake on their own accord - best advice for me is to GAL and remain patient - best move on her part would be to move out from her parents place
Today a massive break-through occurred. My wife e-mailed me for the first time since September!
When I received the e-mail I got some mixed feelings. There are positives and negatives. To summarise she is saying that she: - still is 'sure of her decision' - still is 'incredibly angered' by my actions - admits she comes across as heartless - does still think about me and misses me - says that we were great friends and but can no longer be friends because of everything that has happened - hopes I am doing ok and my life is going on - hopes I find the right person to give myself to when I'm ready - knows that I have been incredibly hurt by her actions - hates that her decisions have caused me so much pain - had been left with 'little choice to protect her own happiness' - wants to let me know she does care about me
My feelings: #1 The 'sure of her decision' thing angers me a lot. It wasn't her decision but her parents that pushed her to do this #2 You don't make a decision to abandon a marriage lightly, certainly not in a matter of weeks #3 Her anger is completely unjustified, I read her messages and talked to her friends about what I found. She actually committed adultery. What's worse? #4 It's likely that her current happiness is provided by the R with OM so, as long as OM plays a part she isn't faced with her grief/loss. Still questioning the validity of a re-bound R.
She is showing a lot of remorse and compassion in this e-mail and that's the very first time she's done that throughout this entire period.
Truthbuster.
Married 4.5, Together 6 M: 36, W: 33, no kids Separation date: 7/8/2017 Bomb dropped: 8/18/2017 Last communication: 1/8/2018 - now nothing OM confirmed - now ended (?)
