Divorcebusting.com  |  Contact      
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 3 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 10 11
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
D....peeing in the back yard is liberating!!! I must do in any season!

I think that is where my head is at right now. My mom texts me today and said that she was removed from my W's FB account. She is retired and has nothing else better to do so I was like whatever, it's going to happen at some point in time. I haven't checked it out in months so I thought what the hell and I noticed she took the pictures of her and I off also. So i'm like ok cool this is going down I get some closure smile

Then I get a text today from the W who wants to come by the house to get the girls winter coats. Im like cool no problem. Maybe since the girls are not around she is going to bring it up you know? We are making small talk, joking around, I got my tank top on looking all jacked, I thought ok cool bring it up, lets go, make it happen, it is just us, no one around, no excuses that we don't have any alone time to discuss, do it. She never even went there. I think I even asked if she had anything she wanted to discuss.

Who fuching knows man......I don't think she can do it.

Then as we were walking out the door she said what they were doing tonight. Then she commented if I wanted the girls any time this week to let her know......she was joking around. I told her that I could think of no better place for them to be than with her, that they missed her and I think they are loving spending time with their mother. I was joking around then she started laughing and said oh fuch you again joking around, playing. It kinda felt like maybe flirting a little. I just laughed and shut the door.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Joined: Dec 2017
Posts: 86
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Dec 2017
Posts: 86
D..I cant help peeing in the backyard especially in the moonlight, its territorial, primal...or something lol

Hey J9, glad you had a great christmas. We have a very similar story. I have 2 girls 10 and 8 and they spent Christmas eve and day with me. We had a great time. Its amazing what we are capable of. I too invited my W to hang out but she made her choice to do whatever she did both days. I have no interest tbh. Her attitude is incredibly similar to mine, I've been reading through your threads.
We do differ in that I believe that my W is having at least an EA if not more with her boss the last year. We also separated on 6/17.

You are 100% doing the right thing. Detachment, GAL,setting personal goals, thinking of the future, all the good stuff.
Good luck!


M-45
W-32
D-10 D-8
Together 11 years
Married 6 years
Separated 6/2017
ILYBINILWY 11/2016 (also nov 2011)
EA 11/16
PA Same time??
NC, detachment started 12/11/17
D aug 2019
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
Thanks, 1 foot in front of the other every day. Continuing to work on detachment as it really is a process.

Met my buddy out for a couple of drinks last night. My W, his EX W and another guy that wasn't their we all used to hang out as a couples. He told me saw my W out 1 afternoon with some of her teacher friends a couple weeks ago. She came over gave him a hug and I guess during the course of their conversation asked how we were doing. He told me my W commented that I would thank in her 10 years. I guess meaning waiting to do this until our children were grown and out of the house which is what his W did to him.

Truthfully I didn't have much of a reaction. I think I feel a little down this morning about that and the FB stuff but writing about it here makes me feel better. It really is a roller coaster of a ride and a tremendous learning experience as well.

On a positive note my buddy and I did spend some time talking about the new woman in his lift, how he met her etc so that was cool to hear and talk to someone on the other side. When him and his W got D it was ugly, she didn't drag it out and had so much anger towards him that she plotted theri children against him.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
Likes: 309
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
Likes: 309
J,

My guess is you will thank her in more like 2 years. Keep your chin up and keep on keeping on!

Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
LOL......oh that was AWESOME!! I literally LOL'd, almost spit up my coffee!! True that!


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Joined: Jun 2017
Posts: 454
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jun 2017
Posts: 454
I want to also point out that what AS usually says (LBS goes to fog, puts on the rose-tinted glasses at BD and forgets all the bad things) is certainly true. Now that I'm feeling quite detached from everything else than my ego being hurt by OM being around my kids etc already, I can totally remember being unhappy and even thinking sometimes how my life would be alone - with seeing some good things in it! I just never understood we have tools for working out the issues like what I had and quite accepted it as "such is life". Now I don't think you feel this way, but just to add to LH19s comment smile The most important thing is the growth, however. We learn to know what we really want. You really seem to be doing fine and you are a kickass daddy for your Ds! Keep it up smile


In my thirties, BDd 2017, divorced
2 young kids
new relationship
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
Thanks Ic.....I do know there were times I felt unhappy in my MR. I remember thinking at that time this is life, this is MR, it's never perfect. Truthfully if I was stronger back then I would have confronted it myself but I wasn't so TBH I was settling.

Oh and those girls are my number 1 priority. The sun, the moon and the stars resides with them! I will always be their for them and will never let them down. I appreciate the kind words smile

My W's problems with me......who know's but I think the majority of it lies with her. I recently read this article below and it really resignated with me.

Three years ago I started to notice a worrying trend. A number of women in my town, who appeared to be happily married, suddenly announced they had been unhappy for years, and could no longer continue with this sham of a marriage. Invariably the husbands would be left bewildered, as their newly-thin and glamorous wives exploded their lives, and turned out, in every case, to be having an affair.

In the majority of situations, the object of the affair was either younger, or someone entirely different to the husband – instead of a businessman, he would be a tennis coach, or the evening art instructor, or a younger man they met at the gym.

This was their soulmate, these women would tell me, their eyes sparkling with excitement and lust. This was the man they were supposed to have been with, not their boring old husbands.

In most of the cases, within the year, the soulmate had turned out not to be so, the women realized what they had thrown away, but by the time they go back to their husbands filled with apology and remorse, the husbands have moved on and met someone else.

I started to wonder why this kept happening to women around me, women in their forties, women who seemed to be happy, until the moment they weren’t. I thought about it on the train going into New York City, where at rush hour I found myself walking up Park Avenue into a sea of men in suits, swarming towards me. None of these men made eye contact, all of them busy looking at the young blonde on my left, and the mini-skirted young brunette on my right.

Oh! The realization slowly sunk in. Without realizing it, I had somehow slipped into middle age, and with middle age came invisibility.

And then I did a book event with a young, handsome author, who exchanged email addresses with me, and proceeded to indulge me with a series of gently flirtatious emails, which was both exciting and unsettling. It had little to do with him, but to do with me, and my growing feelings of invisibility, and the addictive quality of someone, anyone, actually noticing me, paying me attention, making me feel beautiful again.

I had always naively thought that in order for someone to have an affair, there has to be an inherent problem in the marriage, but all the evidence around me was suggesting something else. Although the women who did have affairs demonized their husbands, it was rarely to do with their husbands, more to do with the insecurity of aging, complacency within the marriage, and wanting, even for a little while, to feel beautiful again.

In my new book, Tempting Fate, Gabby, at 43, knows without doubt she is not the sort of woman to have an affair. She adores her husband, her children, the life they have built together. When a younger man starts paying her attention, she enjoys it knowing nothing will happen, but the more attention he pays her, the more addictive it is to feel attractive, noticed, alive. Soon she finds herself at a precipice, knowing she’s making the wrong choice, but unable to stop herself.

Recently I asked one of these women who lives in my town and left her husband, a woman who describes her now-ex-husband as the love of her life, why she had an affair.

‘I was bored’, she said, and as callous as that may be, I understood what she meant.

However wonderful our marriages are, however wonderful our husbands, when children are waking us up, repeatedly, at 5am, when every night is spent figuring out what to make for dinner, when mornings are spent shoveling laundry into the dryer and remembering the days when you actually had time to iron, it’s very difficult to remember the passion and lust that brought you and your husband together.

When your weekends are not spent holding hands over a candlelit dinner, but instead ferrying four children around from basketball game to basketball game, to playdate, to ice skating, to birthday party, it’s very difficult to remember the importance of appreciating your spouse, or indeed to find the time to remember to be kind, to pay attention to each other, to make each other feel loved.

Marriage becomes pots and pans. At first you’re distracted by those tiny children, but all of a sudden you’re in your forties, your kids are in grade school, you’re no longer needed in the way you once were, and you start to feel irrelevant.

Which is why the forty-something woman is so vulnerable. There is a window of opportunity, before we settle into what Jung called the afternoon of life, where a compliment can have far more impact than it otherwise would, where attention can start to feel like a lifeline to a youth and excitement we thought we had left behind long ago.

What I have learned, in my years as a writer, and thereby an observer of life, is that the grass is rarely greener. I have learned that life is cyclical, that this too shall pass; that just as there are periods when our marriages are wonderful, there are periods when life is boring, when we think nothing exciting will ever happen again. Those too, shall pass.

A good marriage requires work. It is a test of endurance, that is filled with joys, and laughter, tears, and worries, and often pain. If you stick with it, the joys will always outweigh the pain.

As for that younger man who makes you feel alive? That art instructor who offers you dreams of the creative road not taken? They are rarely the soulmates you tell yourself they are, in a bid to mitigate an action you know isn’t right.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Joined: Apr 2017
Posts: 223
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Apr 2017
Posts: 223
Joseph9, thanks for posting that article. It really makes you rethink about our stitches. Not that it changes anything but a new perspective never hurts.

Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
For me it just re-enforces that there are things out of our control working against us. Own your $hit but for many of us it was just a matter of time before something happened especially if the communication is lacking. I never considered myself a bad husband, maybe naive in the love languages and nuiances of MR but never a bad husband.

Back then I did not take my W's nagging very seriously and she could have been more clear about how much what she was nagging about effected her. I on the other hand should have took her nagging more seriously and realized it was her way of trying to communicate with me.

I never cheated on my W, hit her, verbally abused her, gave her ultimatims, I never controlled her with sex, money. She pretty much got to do what she wanted when she wanted. I helped with the kids, took them to school, would pick them up from school, attended their practices, games, etc. I was never out late at the bars, kept her informed of when I was going to be home, if I was running late, etc. I paid all the bills, made sure we were never over extended, etc. I worked out, played basketball 3 days a week and would other guys out occassionaly for a few beers after work. She told me I was her rock and the best sex she had ever had but yet here I am.

Unfortunately the last year of our MR I was depressed due to a job change and it was impacting my W more than I realized. On the other hand though it really pisses me off when I think about it because she should have been there to support me but because of her own issues was unable to do so. After taking the love goggles off I realize that to my W our kids came first, she came 2nd and I got whatever scraps where leftover.

IMO things that are described in the article are very common. We had just got to the point to where things were settling down with the kids, building up our savings, retirement, was planning our next family vacation and she decided to blow it all up. I guess she wasn't ready to settle down just quite yet.

The one thing I do regret is not doing things for ourselves as a couple. I wish we would have done more of that. Unfortunately it was something that she never really pushed and when I would say let's go do this usually she just wanted to stay home and zone out in front of the TV. Even when my parents would come to town for a few days she really never wanted to take advantage of then being here.

Truthfully she has probably been depressed for a long period of time and this move she made is an attempt to find her happiness.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
Likes: 309
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
Likes: 309
Originally Posted By: Joseph9
After taking the love goggles off I realize that to my W our kids came first, she came 2nd and I got whatever scraps where leftover.


I hear you on that one brother. My youngest is 9 so it has been 9 years of my needs coming last which entailed me to invest nothing in her needs hence, here I am.

My counselor told me that 3% of couples are deeply in love. 50% get divorced and the other 47% are unhappy but not unhappy enough to do anything about it.

I was telling my friend whose W just turned 40. Good luck man because you are going to be in for a helluva ride lol!

The dating poll is going to be filled with a lot of WWs jilted by there young affair partners lol! Lucky us lol!

Page 3 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Michele Weiner-Davis Training Corp. 1996-2025. All rights reserved.
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5