Gordie #15: closing the cake shop

[Gordie]

Bttrfly...I have been pondering your thoughts over the past 24 hours...you have given me a ton to chew on.

***

Bttrfly: You're correct: writing it certainly does help get it out. I went to the desert and let a bunch of grief out there. My grief felt so deep and overwhelming, like if I let it loose fully it would destroy me and everything around me. My anger feels the same.

G: I love this description...feel like you've walked in these cursed shoes...yes, overwhelming.

Bttrfly: Give it to the earth - go outside to a trail or someplace in nature that's remote from people, if you can, and just let loose.

G: I love that idea, to go deep into nature...somewhere remote...however, it is freezing right now, but it won't stay this way.

Bttrfly: I don't read you as making yourself stuck in a victim role - rather, there are certain areas where you cannot do exactly as you'd like, because there are children involved.

G: If there weren't children involved, I think this would be over by now...not that I'm making excuses, but as you said, it makes things a lot more complicated.

Bttrfly: And I'm sorry Sotto, I have to say this, Gordie IS the victim here. His wife is behaving HORRENDOUSLY, mlc or no mlc, this is ridiculous. I'm saying this not so you can stay in a victimized place, but so that you can acknowledge it and move on. Bear with me - in my situation at one point during our mediation phase my then-stbxh unleashed on me during one of his rants that I was fully invested in being the victim and taking no responsibility for us getting there and that I was at fault for all of this. Somewhere in there is truth - I am partially to blame for the state of our relationship. A close friend happened to call before I could pull myself together. She asked me what happened, and I told her. She said, "Bttrfly, you ARE stbxh's victim. You and son both are his victims. You didn't ask for any of this. You tried to get him to go to therapy with you. He wants out and he wants to put it all on you. Just because you are the victim here doesn't mean you need to be victimized any further though." Gordie - that acknowledgement by someone of the reality of the situation somehow gave me more strength that day to mentally move out of a victimized place and closer to a place of restored personal power. So, in that spirit I say to you: You and the children ARE victims here, absolutely.

G: wow, just wow, that's eye opening. In my LBS journey, I feel like I started blaming myself for everything...and buying into my w's narrative that I was the monster and she was the victim. In that sense, I felt powerless in that I was trying to "pretzel" myself (as HaWho says) into whatever she wanted me to be and...none of it was good enough. During this time, a very good friend IRL gave me a truth dart and told me: this is not your fault, this has nothing to do with you. And gosh, I have never articulated to myself that I am a victim...but maybe you (and Ginger and others who have tried to tell me) are putting your finger on what is really driving me nuts.

Bttrfly: But - the choice is now yours: to first acknowledge that you are the victim here then decide whether or not you want to stay being victimized or take back your personal power. From where I sit, every time you calmly say to her some version of "I don't want to be in a 3 way relationship" you are taking back your personal power. Every time you refuse to play the game with her you take back a bit more of your personal power. Every time you focus on yourself and your children you take back yet more of your power. You have worked hard to own your piece of the pie. You have stood for your marriage for a very long time and done your absolute best to save it. That she is actually trying to have cake and not sign this divorce she insisted upon tells me that you've done such a good job she is no longer sure that happiness is truly outside of the marital home. You've cited many conversations where she is clearly distraught and not sure of what she wants. Well done! They never said it would be easy or comfortable, or a short road either. Remember that.

G: thank you, I do feel like my own personal growth has enabled me to take more of my power back. I didn't have the words (or willpower) before to do so, but it has come together this past month or so.

Bttrfly: I wouldn't assume she's excusing herself to be secretly with OM2. That might be the case. She may also be going into her room to cry alone. We just don't know. Of course you're going to have conflicting feelings of loving her vs being very angry and unloving. This is completely normal. Gordie, it won't always be this way, I promise you. You are in the midst of the absolute worst of it, right smack dab in the middle, but it will shift. You can get through this. You do have to do something physical...Don't slack off on good nutrition for yourself.

G: thanks, have been consistent with my exercise, but need to improve on the nutrition...and my sleep has been awful.

Bttrfly: And truly Gordie, I feel like this could go either way. She's really not sure. You're going to be the one making decisions here about this. Chose wisely my friend. Maybe you could take a few days off, go away somewhere alone and really think about what YOU want. She will be in your life one way or another for the rest of it as the mother of those children. The littlest ones - well, you've got a longer amount of time to interact with her than I did because of their ages. Give yourself some space and time away so you can focus solely on yourself, this situation and what you want; how you want to interact with her moving forward. I feel like you really need a long weekend alone in a hotel away from the family and familiar surroundings so you can decompress, find your center again, and do some honest soul-searching about what's best for Gordie in 2018. What's best for the kids will follow after you figure out in a quiet removed, neutral place what it is that you want most. Can you do all that?

G: thanks, I have tried to do this as much as possible. I have left home in the evening when she gets home from her day's activities (no mind reading) for each of the past two nights, just to give myself space to breathe...a weekend away by myself sounds luxurious...not sure I can swing that right now, but you have planted a seed.