Adjusting to being a LBS....

[Zues126]

No. I never got physical. But I did get unreasonably mad, and I did need to leave, which she felt was unproductive and dangerous.

The incident made not have been reasonable cause for that level of anger, but there is a reason you get so angry. I hope you'll get professional help, so that you can be happier. Carrying around a keg of dynamite is not a healthy way to live. The root cause needs to be uncovered and tools to deal with it, b/c just trying to "control" your anger may not be enough.

Sandi, you're an amazing person and poster and I'm glad you're on these boards. I'm guessing you wrote these sentences naturally but they are very well balanced.

When I first read them I misunderstood. I think too often anger gets a bad rap, and that people are too sensitive about anger. These days it seems if a guy acts angrily he's an out of control abusive monster. And certainly if it is happening regularly as part of a routine way of living that isn't very pleasant.

But anger is a part of us. I watched a few movies with my kids over the xmas holiday, and they each starred main character guys that were inspiring people. For example, The Bruce Lee Story. In it Bruce lost his cool a couple of times. But he was also insanely driven, lived his life to the fullest, and achieved quite a lot in and out of the ring.

I know during my M I lost my temper a couple of times. And I know I've gotten angry with my children on occasion. Usually it's a fairly mild display, like I realize that I'm speaking loudly. And a couple of times I've lost my cool completely (once I was in an argument with my son when he was in trouble and he ran into the bedroom and locked me out and when he wouldn't open it I broke through the door).

The funny part is though that while if I listed out everything I've ever done in anger in one post without any explanation and no representation of the many years of joyous carefree and peaceful existence in between it would look like I'm a dangerous guy. But I know that while I am not proud of every choice that I've made and I'm no saint, I'm no monster. And frankly I think there is a time and place for a healthy anger, and that God has given us a place in this world and a role to fulfill, and anger is one of the tools he gave us to alert us to some things that need be addressed. The "Scary Dad" voice isn't a go-to, but there are situations where the hammer needs to be put down.

I say all of this because I wouldn't want S to think he needs to eliminate anger entirely, never hear it's voice, stifle it, and think that if he ever loses his cool his XW is right to label him as abusive. I know in my eagerness to save my M I tried to take as much blame as I could and I welcomed the abusive label thinking that meant if I neutered myself that it would make me a worthy man. I have learned better, and I have learned to trust myself that whether XW or others approve or not I have come to accept and appreciate my entire self, imperfect though I am.

But Sandi said it very nicely. If your anger is appropriate to the situation, fine. If you believe that you are, as she put it, carrying around a keg of dynamite, then she's right. Because then it's not just responding with appropriate emotions, it's responding inappropriately because you are wounded in some way. Like a dog that attacks a hand reaching to pet it because it was hurt by other people in the past. If this is the case then IC is a really good idea. Just remember the anger is just a symptom and isn't the problem, the problem is finding and healing the wound that makes you so sensitive to things that wouldn't rattle others. The benefit would be less collateral damage to others and less suffering for yourself, all good things.

But don't think anger is the enemy or that any display is proof you're a bad guy.

Sandi expressed all of this intuitively in a few words. I had to write a bunch about it. I just know it was a journey for me and I think that men have a right to be angry when it's appropriate without being labelled or judged for their emotions.

Hang in.