Act Now or Cry Later

[HaWho]

Thanks Bttrfly - we had some crazy cold weather. Yikes!

Gordie - yes, I too saw a lot of childlike behaviors.

Job - thanks for the holiday wishes. Hope you had a great holiday and I wish you the best in 2018!

Well, it was a different Christmas this year, for sure. H loves Christmas but this year he was not able to prop himself up and I do think he's hit a new low.

He bought me a really thoughtless Christmas gift. I know he bought it last minute and put zero thought into it. It hurt at first until I saw everyone received a last minute generic gift. This is a polar opposite for him as he loves gift giving. Hours before we were to arrive at his best friend's house h still had no gift for his old best buddie! And the friend had painted h a painting. Geez. Awful. I remember in my own depression I struggled with gift giving: it took so much energy and it was so hard to make a decision to buy something.

Anyway, we stayed in a hotel suite and h set my bag up in the other room and said that was my room in front of the kids. S14 asked why didn't we sleep together. H said he is up all night and needs his own room. And yes, he ran the tv much all night long. Last year we slept in the same bed. So things are worse this year.

At times s14 "woke h up" as h was staring into space. I call it zoning out and it's awkward to watch. It is exactly as Jim Conway wrote: awkward silences, staring out windows, etc. I do think he's creeped into withdrawal. He was very, very quiet; eerily so. S14 kept pointing out to h that h seemed so sad. H denied it but he looked so droopy. And the distance between us just felt so very great. He barely speaks to me.

At one point he told us all that he uses his music to vent what he is feeling. That, I knew, but it was good that he recognized it as well.

For me it was a happy Christmas and yet a painful one. I savored every moment of seeing my family and being back on the east coast. But, the night we had dinner with h's best friend and his family was so very, very hard. They married a year before us but I could see this couple was so bonded with each other. They've built a beautiful life. H's best friend is all grown up and it only accentuated how lost my own h is. I know they've had some hard years. But they are two people who are capable of working through things and making their m stronger.

My sister-in-law had pulled out pictures of our wedding. She was telling funny stories about that day. H avoided all eye contact and said nothing. It was hard to see the photos. Never in a million years would I have seen this coming. H took some pictures of the pictures; not sure which ones but probably just ones of himself as he was commenting on how very young he looked. My brother watched him and I think he could tell something was off w/h. I saw h watching me look at the pics. We were happy and he was in love with me. It showed in each and every picture.

At one point we drove by the place where we spent our wedding night. I didn't feel much truth be told. It felt like a different life altogether.

My mother-in-law talked with h for a while. They were in a corner together. H was in a lot of corners by himself. She sought him out and I know she was trying to read the situation. At one point h was not feeling well. My MIL asked what was wrong and he snapped at her: "what's it to you?!?" He's snapped like that at me, too, at times. He then changed the subject but boy was his disdain for her palpable.

In other news, I am going to be traveling for work in a few weeks. I am very excited. It will give me a weekend off from h and some much needed time away by myself.

I wish everyone the best in 2018!