Gordie #15: closing the cake shop

[job]

Gordie,

I can relate to the anger that you are feeling. You really would love to strangle her or break somethin in two if it got in your way. This anger is very normal and you will have cycles of this every so often. The best way to relieve yourself of that anger is to go to the gym and punch that old bag, take up jogging and jog till you can't jog any longer, go out in a field and scream till you can't any longer or find an old piece of wood and take a hammer to it...but whatever you do, do not turn that anger on your wife or anyone else.

Gordie, she really doesn't understand why you don't want to have sex w/her. She's in the mental age of 15/16 and kids switch off on partners and they just think it's "sex" and not "doing it out of love". Her empathy chip is still cracked and I know she's driving you nuts mentioning this topic over and over to you.

I do agree...you need some time away from her and the situation. Can you arrange to stay w/a friend for a day or two? YOU need some time, space and peace in order to help you rebuild your patience and strength.

[Gordie]

Vapo,

I have gotten two responses. Most commonly, it ends the conversation. She says nothing. One time, we had an extended conversation about why I was against open marriage. I was flabbergasted that she actually asked me to articulate why. As if she doesn’t know me and my belief system. I was respectful and non judgmental and left it that we no longer believe the same things on this topic. Here’s an eye opener: she believes open M would only work if she could sleep with whom ever but I and other partners would be exclusive to her. Absolutely crazy.

P.S. I am not a screamer but went on a drive today and screamed and screamed...thank you.

[LH19]

Gordie,

IMO the number one thing that is keeping you from reconciliation is the fact that she knows she can have you back whenever she wants.

The quicker you change her perception the quicker you recon. If you don't change that perception this could go on for years.

How can you change it?

[job]

Gordie,

I agree w/LH19...your wife knows that she still has you on the hook and she thinks that if she finds the magical words, you'll jump over fire to be w/her. She needs to see that you aren't playing around here and are moving forward. She needs to realize that you aren't going to change your mind about open marriage and I would end that discuss each and every time she brings it up. She's in la la land and the sooner she faces the consequences of her actions, the better. She may even panic a bit more than she has and try to convince you that she wants back into the marriage and will do better...but please, do not be fooled. She's got a lot of hard work to do before she'll be 100% back into the relationship w/you.

I'm glad you "screamed"...you need to vent that anger somewhere.

[Sotto]

Good job with the screaming Gordie - it does release something and watch for the calm(er) feelings that follow.

I find the whole 'open marriage' conversation incredible - though I'm quite sure XH would have wanted the same. He and I had that convo in a much more roundabout way.

You really see the mindset of me, me, me in what she said. And she really wants you to fall in with those plans. The important thing is to be your own truth and let her clearly know. You may feel that would work for you - it certainly wouldn't work for me. Normally the clear, single sentence, no nonsense response is best.

I wouldn't agree that the 'tough' response necessarily brings them back. I think there is a better shot with that than rolling over for a tummy tickle. But of course there are no guarantees and always best to do what works purely for you and not as a strategy to try and 'make her' do something.

Any ways, all things considered - and yours is a challenging situation - I think you are doing well my friend.

X

[SBJ]

Gord, I am sorry you are struggling...trust me when I say that we are all in a funk during Christmas. This is the season when family is suppose to be the most important.

I, like you, have tried to keep things as normal as possible for my kids. Last night I had a night to myself and it was both good and bad. It was good because I was able to relax in the hot tub with a nice bourbon and catch up on some reading. It was bad because my kids were all with the ex-in-laws doing more Christmas stuff.

I have cycled like you and still do on occasion and I can say that everyone on here is correct. Physical activity helps release some negative energy. Screaming can also help with that, but the one thing that helps me is trying totally to give my situation to God and asking him to guide us thru this tragedy. That is the only way I have been able to make sense of this BS that we are going thru.

Our prodigals do not understand what they are going thru and don't realize the damage they are doing to us and our children. Maybe at some point they will find their way out of the tunnel, but until then we need to keep our eyes on the prize. That prize is our health and our children.


29 He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. 30 Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; 31 but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. - Isaiah 40:29-31

[Lifes Twists]

Gordie,

I think your anger stems from you feeling trapped by her actions.

You need to take action to no longer feeling trapped. If your lawyer says its alright to move out the get going. Make appointments to look at new places. You need to take action for yourself at this point. You have already stated that you will not stay in an open marriage. The only way for you right now is to get going and get out. Why would you stay there in an un healthy situation? Why wouldn't you find a healthy situation for you and your kids?

Right now you are feeling helpless. You need to change this by taking action.

Standing for your marriage does not mean accepting being abused in the fashion you are enduring at this point. You are only a hero for standing and taking this abuse up to a certain point, after that you become a self made martyr. Don't become a martyr.

We are all here in support of you Gordie. Sometimes one of us has to tell another to get going to take care of yourself and get yourself out of your hole you are in.

[CaliGuy]

Gordie

A good deal to catch up on here for me.

Going back to revisit the anger phase you are in, we all hit that place at one time or another. I had a very wise mentor who framed it quite well for me, Anger is ok to feel, just do not get stuck there, you can as Vapo touched on, use it as fuel to get you past a part of you holding on and it will land you over on the other side ... just understand its all part of this marathon, part of the process, part of the growth but you have to harness it and use it as the fuel its meant to be.

As far as her actions ... they will never make sense. I have read quite a bit on how they feel during this phase (if they can remember much at all looking back) and seems more times than not once they are past all this and on the other side of the tunnel the collective is "It wasn't that I was unhappy, I just thought I could be happier and I was mistaken" .... so understand it has NOTHING to do with us, we are simply collateral damage in all this, it stinks but that's all we are at this point and you will have to allow her to make her mistakes as she chases this euphoria she is certain exists.

The trick is to not allow it to make you bitter, to somehow come out of this a better person and better father for your children. As a result you will be a better man and either she will at some point wake and realize this .. or she wont, its out of your hands ... but what is in your hands is how you progress, how you grow, and all these lessons you will learn along the way and how you apply them not only to yourself but with others.

[Irish M]

hey Gordie. I feel for you brother. Those changes in emotions towards your W is only normal. Like many others said use it as fuel to move on to your final place. a place of strength and peace. I'm sure you were told on day one here that this is a marathon and it is the hardest thing you will ever go through.

I feel your pain but I also see your strength. I bet you know more now about yourself than you ever did before. that is the gift her MLC is giving you. You are a better dad and person.

Keep to your boundaries about OM2, avoid her train wreck and continue to love those kids. They are watching both of you. You need to be the rock and not the soft cake.

merry Christmas to you and your family. 2018 is a new year. A Gordie year.

[OwnIt]

Gordie, I think it is only hard because the manipulation here is in the form of "niceness" and being desired.

How can she say she didn't like having sex with you and then ask you for sex all the time?

I think if you translated her come-ons into what they really are, cruel attempts to keep the cake shop open, it might be easier to resist them.

Or every time she says it just think about the cruelest thing she has said to you about sex.

I still think she'll come back some day, but I think she needs to spend some time on the outside first.