Yes, I have definitely delved into my past with my IC. I, like most, have some FOO issues going on here. My mother was a manic depressive. I also had a very lonely difficult childhood with my mother's addictions, mental hospital stays, rehab stays..... she just was not in a place to be a mom. She was never interested in my life. She was only interested in getting her next fix, which after she cleaned up from the drugs, became gambling. I had my dad, but no siblings. I lived an lonely childhood too. I did have friends, and when I was older, I spent most of my time away from home with my BFF at his home where his dad worked the late shift. I also through myself into work when I was old enough to work. I worked 2 jobs my senior year of high school. From 17 on was awful with my parents split and my mother falling back into drugs again. My dad left the house, I was left with a mom who was losing her ever loving mind (which we know happens during divorce)and she resented me for still loving him.
The irony of it all was that I took the "tough chick" attitude. I felt like nothing ever bothered me, that I could handle anything and that I was in no way a victim of my circumstance. Unfortunately it leaked out in the form of making bad decisions, and chosing a wrong partner.
But I just wanted normalcy. My depression now comes from trying to achieve this stuff as a kid, then trying as an adult, and having my ex happen, then having a renewal of hope after I dealt with the blow of what my life has become and what exH did. It came when another hope of a "normal and secure partner, and family once again left me. When hope was gone for that. When I was ready to be super vunerable but I had no one I can be vulnerable with.
My IC truly believes my depression isn't hereditary or a chemical imbalance. It's circumstansial. And even with it being circumstansial, it is still real and more magnified when I can't change my circumstance.
Sorry, that was a little long winded. But I often to delve into my past, and only now, in my late 30's do I even realize what an impact it had on me.
