Gordie #15: closing the cake shop

[bttrfly]

Gordie,
I am so sorry you are going through all this but I have to say, as I read your intro to thread #15 post I found myself nodding in agreement. As diametrically opposed as these feelings are, each and every one makes perfect sense given the circumstances, and all are perfectly ok. Not comfortable - but really I think what anyone in this situation would feel. I know I felt much the same (minus the other person in my face, as I believe the person he surrounded himself with was across the country).

You're correct: writing it certainly does help get it out. I went to the desert and let a bunch of grief out there. My grief felt so deep and overwhelming, like if I let it loose fully it would destroy me and everything around me. My anger feels the same. Give it to the earth - go outside to a trail or someplace in nature that's remote from people, if you can, and just let loose. I love the idea of a baseball bat on a metal trash can (wear safety goggles). l also think taking it out on a punching bag will help.

I don't read you as making yourself stuck in a victim role - rather, there are certain areas where you cannot do exactly as you'd like, because there are children involved. And I'm sorry Sotto, I have to say this, Gordie IS the victim here. His wife is behaving HORRENDOUSLY, mlc or no mlc, this is ridiculous. I'm saying this not so you can stay in a victimized place, but so that you can acknowledge it and move on. Bear with me - in my situation at one point during our mediation phase my then-stbxh unleashed on me during one of his rants that I was fully invested in being the victim and taking no responsibility for us getting there and that I was at fault for all of this. Somewhere in there is truth - I am partially to blame for the state of our relationship. A close friend happened to call before I could pull myself together. She asked me what happened, and I told her. She said, "Bttrfly, you ARE stbxh's victim. You and son both are his victims. You didn't ask for any of this. You tried to get him to go to therapy with you. He wants out and he wants to put it all on you. Just because you are the victim here doesn't mean you need to be victimized any further though."

Gordie - that acknowledgement by someone of the reality of the situation somehow gave me more strength that day to mentally move out of a victimized place and closer to a place of restored personal power. So, in that spirit I say to you: You and the children ARE victims here, absolutely.

But - the choice is now yours: to first acknowledge that you are the victim here then decide whether or not you want to stay being victimized or take back your personal power.

From where I sit, every time you calmly say to her some version of "I don't want to be in a 3 way relationship" you are taking back your personal power. Every time you refuse to play the game with her you take back a bit more of your personal power. Every time you focus on yourself and your children you take back yet more of your power. You have worked hard to own your piece of the pie. You have stood for your marriage for a very long time and done your absolute best to save it. That she is actually trying to have cake and not sign this divorce she insisted upon tells me that you've done such a good job she is no longer sure that happiness is truly outside of the marital home. You've cited many conversations where she is clearly distraught and not sure of what she wants. Well done! They never said it would be easy or comfortable, or a short road either. Remember that.

I wouldn't assume she's excusing herself to be secretly with OM2. That might be the case. She may also be going into her room to cry alone. We just don't know.

Of course you're going to have conflicting feelings of loving her vs being very angry and unloving. This is completely normal. Gordie, it won't always be this way, I promise you. You are in the midst of the absolute worst of it, right smack dab in the middle, but it will shift. You can get through this.

You do have to do something physical, walking, swimming, yoga, boxing, weights, something to get this extra energy out. I recommend a combination of cardio, something explosive like beating the crap out of a punching bag or heavy weights, and something really focused that will get you moving but also engage your mind like yoga or tai chi. I think you need all of that right now.

Don't slack off on good nutrition for yourself. You're in a supremely stressful situation. You need to make sure you get enough hydration and healthy food into your body so you can physically have the stamina you need to get through this. You have to do this for yourself and those beautiful children.

And truly Gordie, I feel like this could go either way. She's really not sure. You're going to be the one making decisions here about this. Chose wisely my friend. Maybe you could take a few days off, go away somewhere alone and really think about what YOU want. She will be in your life one way or another for the rest of it as the mother of those children. The littlest ones - well, you've got a longer amount of time to interact with her than I did because of their ages. Give yourself some space and time away so you can focus solely on yourself, this situation and what you want; how you want to interact with her moving forward.

I feel like you really need a long weekend alone in a hotel away from the family and familiar surroundings so you can decompress, find your center again, and do some honest soul-searching about what's best for Gordie in 2018. What's best for the kids will follow after you figure out in a quiet removed, neutral place what it is that you want most.

Can you do all that?

xoxoxoxoxo