I have another two weeks until they post me the paperwork and it's finally final.
I haven't lifted a finger in sorting this, and STBXH has no clue as to what my thoughts or feelings on it were/are as I didn't engage in any communication with him about it. Not even to say if I agreed or disagreed with it.
Not that it would have mattered to him obviously. More for myself: my thoughts and feelings on it are for me and this that I choose to share them with.
I'm ill at the moment. A combination of being very tired through work and meeting lots of the general public. Last night I was absolutely drenched in sweat. It feels like I'm getting rid of something in my body, like a toxin of some sort. I'm feeling better today.
STBXH and OW? Well, she's working on Broadway at the moment, working on something until March. I'm guessing he's there too. I doubt he's working though, probably playing house husband with the child while she's at work.
How do I feel about that? I guess it still rankles me about being replaced by 'the new sparkly thing'. And who could possibly compete with an incredibly successful (nationally and internationally), multi award winning, bright young thing.
But then again, the only person that was pitting us against each other was him. So to accept that comparison would be to accept the rules of his game.
And the funny thing is, that in the past, up to this point, I was never one to compare myself to other people and to feel that I was somehow in competition with them in some way, in any part of my life. I'd never really even given it much thought. I have always been much more interested in doing my own thing and looking inwards to push myself harder and further.
Maybe that's one of the reasons that I've felt so darn uncomfortable with the feeling that I've been put into this situation? And it made me so physically unwell for a good few years at least (which I'm still suffering the consequences of on various levels)? And hated it so much, and felt so angry about it all? It just runs completely contrary to the very essence of what I'm about.
And maybe that's a very good starting point for a good, strong boundary too, as it's one of my absolute core values.
Did STBXH know that he was doing this? I honestly don't think he was that aware and self reflecting. But what a hideous, hideous thing to do to someone. That person that you'd promised to love and cherish, in sickness and in health. What a betrayal.
I've never really realised this before. What a gift, on this day.
