Gordie #15: closing the cake shop

[Gordie]

I can’t believe I’m on my 15th thread. 15 months post BD, I really thought I’d be reconciled or divorced by now. Y’all weren’t kidding that this is a marathon!

I don’t know if it’s the holidays, the stress of stbx dragging out the d proceedings, the suffering of the children, but...feel like I’m cycling through anger again—and I’m not an angry person! I don’t want to make emotional decisions but I’m on an emotional roller coaster:..again.

I love and hate my stbx at the same time.

I want to be reconciled, to be one of those DB success stories...or to have her out of my life (unrealistic given the kids).

I want her to stop saying ILY and to stop touching me. It makes a mockery of the words and the meaning of physical affection. At the same time, I wish we could have sex again...but not while she is with OM2.

I want my privacy and also to let everyone know what she has done. I feel like I am still covering up for her in public and with the kids, that she is using me so she can appear like the perfect wife-mother.

I continue to be kind and friendly...but sometimes I just want to be mean and yell and scream and see her fantasies shattered.

I want her to be happy...but also wish she would realize how selfish and foolish her decisions are...and to be miserable, to acknowledge that with remorse and a changed heart.

And thoughts of OM2 are driving me crazy. I know I shouldn’t think this...but it makes me feel so rejected and abandoned and inferior and alone...that she is choosing OM2 over me. I have given my whole life to her...and yes she has been pursuing OM1 and then OM2 and if that doesn’t work out, pretty sure she’ll just move on to OM3. That is so ****ed up!

Thanks for listening to my rant. Happy Nee Year to all.