New LBS dealing with WW Part 2

[Joe2017]

Thank you Vanilla. I'm still incredibly heartbroken.

I had a dream last night that we were still together and happy. I am bouncing back and forth from being incredibly sad to being kind of indifferent.

I am GAL as much as possible. I have not broken NC, despite her angry TMs the other day regarding SM posts I've made about my new life I'm making. (NOTHING on SM is about her, nothing). I realize she is baiting me into an argument for negative attention.

If she is over me why is she stalking my SM? If she is really done with me, she'd do all the things people getting divorces do that she HAS NOT done. Instead, she is trying to hold onto me by a string. Like I'm her safety net or something. Except I'm not... She abandoned me. I'll never be there to catch her when she falls ever again.

I'm having a very hard time sticking to NC during this time. I want to reach out and connect with her. I want to have our Christmas together. I want our family whole again.

But I know these things are just a fantasy. I know things are different and will never be the same. I know that all the things I wanted in life have to change now.

But I still FEEL like I want her back, if it ever becomes an option. Unfortunately (luckily?) I know in my mind that her actions speak louder than any words. She filed for D. I want R. She doesn't. End of story for now.

I wish it would stop hurting. I wish she would come around and see how crazy insane she's been for the past couple months.

I wish I wish I wish. Oh well.

Merry Christmas everyone, thanks for being there for me and everyone else on the board.