East, I'm sure you already explained this, but how is it that you got D'd without an "official" parenting plan in place? I thought all of that had to be worked out before the D could be finalized. Maybe it's different in your state?
Sounds like your XW is conveniently forgetful as well as disorganized. I agree with Kaizen that you should have those discussions via text or email so you have backup. Right now she wants to change things and you say it's not what you agreed to and she just blows up at you and says you are wrong. If you have it in writing then you can just say "oh maybe I misunderstood, here let's pull the schedule up on our phones real quick and see what we previously agreed to." Then give her a shoe to chew on, LOL!
Quote:
During mediation, XW wanted to know when D would be allowed to choose where she lives.
Out of curiosity what did they tell her? When my parents went through this (which granted was a long time ago), the kids had to be at least 13 to even be allowed to discuss this with the judge, and even then it was still up to the judge to determine who they lived with.
I'm sorry you're going through this, my kids were older when I went through it but it just breaks my heart to see so many here having to deal with a crazy spouse and trying to help very young kids through it too. It's hard enough when the kids are old enough to understand, but when they're really young it's darned tough.
Yeah, it's REALLY irregular and is a result of how XW handled the divorce (turning it from an agreed divorce into a contested one). We're divorced, property is separated, parenting plan is TBD with the previously agreed plan becoming an interim plan pending mediation and eventual (I assume) trial.
The mediator told XW that D doesn't get to pick, and will be a teenager before she gets to express preference.
Having things in writing doesn't seem to make things better.
Ah, I understand better now, thank you! Hopefully the parenting plan doesn't go to trial but it sounds like you are handling it well regardless. Some of you have a far deeper well of patience and resolve than I did, LOL! I am so thankful our D didn't go to trial because the stress was nearly unbearable as it was.
Quote:
The mediator told XW that D doesn't get to pick, and will be a teenager before she gets to express preference.
That sounds like what I would have thought, so basically your XW is just wasting her time with all that ridiculous coaching of your D. Maybe that'll get better after the parenting plan is resolved.
Quote:
Having things in writing doesn't seem to make things better.
If your XW is just set on being a B**ch then yeah, there's not a lot you can do other than maintain your zen-like state while she acts the fool.
In the eyes of most courts, "coaching" is a huge no-no and is seen as parent alienation. It's often the fastest route to losing the kids. They often have a very low tolerance for that stuff. I would strongly suggest you keep a notebook log of any of these things and let your attorney know about it. If you do end up in court and they find out W is trying to alienate the kids it will go very badly for her. It's very damaging to the kids as well. If that's not enough, as the children grow up, they figure out they were lied to and forced away from a patent which in turns has them pull away from the alienating patent. She's got a lot of growing up to do.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
In the eyes of most courts, "coaching" is a huge no-no and is seen as parent alienation. It's often the fastest route to losing the kids. They often have a very low tolerance for that stuff. I would strongly suggest you keep a notebook log of any of these things and let your attorney know about it. If you do end up in court and they find out W is trying to alienate the kids it will go very badly for her. It's very damaging to the kids as well. If that's not enough, as the children grow up, they figure out they were lied to and forced away from a patent which in turns has them pull away from the alienating patent. She's got a lot of growing up to do.
I'm keeping notes. When I'm at a low point, I feel like it won't matter, she'll just deny everything. I've focused on my D, done everything right by her as far as I can tell, and she's done everything wrong by her, and sometimes I just feel like the courts won't care. No real reason to feel that way, I just do.
I mentioned giving XW some extra time on Wednesday. At pickup, XMIL asked if I had plans Christmas Eve, because she wanted to bring D to her family get together. I confirmed we had plans, XMIL seemed ok with it. XW has been talking about it with D, and keeps stopping herself from saying "we can't go because of daddy" (as in stops mid sentence) but keeps telling her "oh, we'll go on Christmas Day."
So tonight I get a facebook message from XW's aunt (XMIL's sister). I used to work with her, she was a friend years before I ever met XW. Message asks me to bring D to her house tomorrow night so they can see her open the presents they got for her. I respond that XW told me she was bringing her by on Christmas Day after I drop her off. I don't get a response to this.
About 45 minutes later, I get a text from XW saying XMIL wants to know if I will take D to aunt's for a few minutes tomorrow night so she can get presents. I don't even begin to know how to answer this. I feel like there's no good choice here. If I take D, it's more disruption for her and I've already said no. If I don't take D, I get to be the topic of conversation about what an a$$hole I am for "keeping D away from her family." I decide to think about it before answering and do some meal prep for tomorrow.
While talking to her mom, D walks into my bedroom and tells me "mommy says she sent you a text."
Text says, "ignoring D's family on Christmas with pleas to answer is not ok, you're doing wrong by her! They want you to bring her by."
I answer that I wasn't ignoring anyone, I was busy and was planning to respond when I was able. Said I didn't want D to have a repeat of the crying fit she had at pickup the other night, she didn't need that on Christmas eve, and that I was sorry she wouldn't be able to see them.
XW says "it would be different if you have family here" (my mom is visiting, but I guess she doesn't count as family) and that D does, and I'm keeping her from them, and that "sorry she didn't want to go home with you on Wednesday, but that's no reason to keep her from her family."
I can't stand this woman. I HATE that I keep being put in no win situations. I HATE that D won't see her extended family tomorrow. I want to tell XW to look in the ****ing mirror if she wants to see why D isn't going to see her family, that what the hell did she think "divorce" meant? I feel like I'm CONSTANTLY expected to give up holiday time, always on short notice, to fit XW's whims, and go hang any plans that I've made.
Sorry for whining. And I AM whining. I keep wanting to be the nice guy and make everyone happy. I'm tired of being treated like I don't matter. I feel like I've spent the last year under constant stress and I just don't want to put up with it anymore.
It's ok for you to make plans of you're own when you have her, you have no reason to feel guilty for not going if it's because there are other plans. Don't say no just to spite WW, but Do make a life with you and D. Go if you want and/or can, but don't go because you're being pressured.
I would let your D know what y'all will be doing, opening gifts fron Santa Christmas morning, having dinner with gma (your mom), Christmas night, etc, and let her know she will be seeing other gma and Aunt the next day.. If you get another request from someone else, just reply that you appreciate yhe invitation but you have plans and won't be able to attend.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Cnut, I don't make decisions about D when I'm upset with XW. Not willing to compromise what's best for her in the name of emotion. We had plans, we did our thing, we had a great day, and I'm happy we did what we did.
As far as tonight... I was definitely positioned as the scumbag here. About 8:30 on the way home, I had D call her mom who was still at aunt's house. D talking to everyone. Then I start hearing "Don't worry, we're going to make sure you're with us NO MATTER WHAT next year" with XBIL (the one who threatened to assault me) chiming in later "no matter how much money it takes, no matter what we have to do, you'll be with your family next Christmas." To be clear, the freaking schedule flips every year, so D will ABSOLUTELY BE WITH HER MOM next year.
I don't know what the hell to even think anymore about this crap.
I send XW a text after we get home, telling her that I don't know or care what's she's telling other people but she absolutely CANNOT put D in the middle of adult things. The answer I get back is that she didn't tell anyone anything and told them she didn't want to talk about it, and she has no control over what anyone said when they were passing the phone around.
Then goes on to say she's tired of biting her tongue and not saying anything about how I'm treating her and D, and basically that she's taking the high road here, and that I am talking to her like she's a child.
I'm just... gah. I told my C on Friday that I felt like I was in the "fish sticks" episode of South Park, because of the history rewriting. I am literally the f***ing devil as far as XW is concerned. C told me D is absolutely being coached, and agrees there isn't anything I can do about it without making things worse for D, so my plan s to just be a rock for D.
As far as tonight... I was definitely positioned as the scumbag here. About 8:30 on the way home, I had D call her mom who was still at aunt's house. D talking to everyone. Then I start hearing "Don't worry, we're going to make sure you're with us NO MATTER WHAT next year" with XBIL (the one who threatened to assault me) chiming in later "no matter how much money it takes, no matter what we have to do, you'll be with your family next Christmas." To be clear, the freaking schedule flips every year, so D will ABSOLUTELY BE WITH HER MOM next year.
I really feel for you and the problem of putting the D in the middle of things. Maybe a couple of weeks from now, try to have a discussion with the XW about communications between each other and with your Daughter and about not badmouthing the other parent and so forth.
My phone rang at 7:00 this morning. It was XW. I was still sleeping, D hadn't worken up yet. Texts start: "She up???!" "XH, she up???" "You up yet??" "Please call me as soon as she wakes up?" "Please have her call me? ok?" Text back that she wasnt up yet and I wasn't either, and that I'd have D call when she was awake. XW responded that D told her she'd be up at 7:00.
8:00, D wakes me up excited as hell "Daddy, Santa came, and he left all the presents and he left me a bike!!!" I have her call XW, XW says, "Merry Christmas, guess what??" D says, "What" and OM says "Merry Christmas!!!" That was a bit of an ouch, she wants D to call first thing so OM can say merry christmas, but whatever, not my circus, no my monkeys. I give them a few minutes and tell D that its time to open presents and tell mommy merry christmas and she'll see her in a few hours.
XW hangs up crying. I hate being in the position of feeling like the bad guy, but what am I supposed to do?
