My idea to separate has been an epic fail

[Caz49]

H Nicole,

I hope with all my heart you're feeling better today. I've been where you are, those days of crying non stop are so hard. You feel like your chest is going to squeeze you to death and it's panicky. I do cry now, I've had moments where it feels this way, but it's getting less and less as I realise, I deserve better and It's not my fault my H can't feel or act the way a H should. Yes I probably and did contribute to that but a lot of it he needs to own. He won't because he never admits when he's made a mistake or if he's in the wrong.

H has wronged me. I take this and I use it to prod myself when I feel like I miss him so much. But do I miss him...or do I miss what could have been. I see my counsellor on Wednesday and that should help.

We separated years ago because of his inability to connect and my inability to realise I could have done more to change the marriage from within. We were in a vicious cycle...it imploded. I had an EA for 10 weeks and H lived with another woman for 18 months (or more, I never got the details from him)I believe he had been seeing her months before I asked to separate and met OM.
At that time he was still returning to the house on the weekends...he could see my changes and we eventually reconnected. I had long ago stopped asking for him to come back, I showed I was stronger. He knew I wanted the marriage to work...but I stopped asking. And I stopped blaming myself (I was tortured with guilt...remorse? I was so remorseful, ashamed of myself), and began enjoying my life again. And he felt less pressure...he stopped living with his OW and came back to the marriage.
But it wasn't fixed, because he wouldn't allow us to talk about what happened. I showed remorse, H didn't. And that ate away at me for far too long.

Our relationship improved so much...but I needed reassurances and I think I pushed H away emotionally and he in turn wouldn't give me what I needed. I wish so badly I had got IC counselling at that time, I believe we wouldn't be here again.

So I take some of the blame, but not all. I can't change how he deals with emotion. How he disconnects. Thats on him. But I love him and miss him and feel so alone even with my wonderful children. I feel anxious, but it's sinking in...this is my reality...I need to embrace this change and make good things happen for me.

My marriage is over. I won't be filing for divorce, Im going to concentrate on me and my children and my life. It's hard but life will improve, just be a different life than the one I've known. It's just bizarre...this love that I feel is so much stronger (it's always been there...I never once stopped loving my H, even when I disconnected from him) now that I know he doesn't want me anymore. I can't believe he doesn't feel it too. I know he still loves me...but it's not strong enough to turn him around. H is a stoic being, he doesn't let his emotions get the better of him.
But what I was getting at is...it plays into the DB thing...just a thought for you and your situation. Let H believe you no longer want or need him...he may feel that loss.

Try and have a good day, I know everything feels bleak right now. Time will help and moving forward helps with that too.