Now what?

[Bird]

Good morning fellow divorcees,

I spent a lot of time on these boards last winter (in the MLC board) and spring and had to pull away for a while when it became glaringly apparent that my efforts were for naught and had been for a long time.

Now it's Christmas Eve, the kids are asleep and like most of the last month, I'm sitting here reflecting, feeling a bit sorry for myself. Let's see if I can condense:

Apr '16 XH says his feelings have changed, we need to "do something" about it.

May '16 we start marriage counseling. I start pretezeling to fix whatever the unnamable thing is that he thinks is wrong. I ask continually if there is someone else; he says no.

Oct '16 our therapist convinces him to let her hypnotize him. His subconscious tells him he doesn't want to be married anymore

Nov '16 he tells me he doesn't want to be married to me anymore and is renting an apt next month and will move out. Tells me he wasn't honest - he and his boss have had feelings for each other for months but swears nothing ever happened, that it made him realize that something was wrong with our marriage. (18 years of what I thoughts was a happy marriage of best friends, 2 daughters 10 and 12 at the time). She is 10 years younger, newly divorced, no kids.

Feb '17 I'm told by acquaintences that she was forced to leave her job because one of them was going to get fired. I confronted him, he denied that they were actually together. I've been told (as we work in the same industry and know many of the same people) that they were caught in his car together in the company parking garage the previous summer..while I was pretzeling and he was lying. They had been seen out together by numerous people in the months from spring '16 to the current time, so pretty sure despite his lies it was a full on affair.

May'17 separation (that I filed) was finalized and house put on the market. I immediately put divorce motion in place, which was final in July '17.

Our house was 3k square feet, he did nothing to help empty it or prepare it to sell. Nothing. I bought a cute little tiny house in the same school district for the girls and I and we moved in Sept. ExH and his GF bought a house ONE STREET OVER from me in November. He has told everyone they just started dating in March 17. Sure.

My girls have had an awful time. My D13 had several months of self harm with a razor blade. Now she won't eat and is underweight to the point where pediatrician is very concerned. D11 is mostly angry at him and hates the new GF. But D13 already has mild autism and ADHD and is just affected more. She has been in weekly therapy since Fdb. I was in therapy from Feb until Oct.

ExH is still deep in his MLC, claims he loves the girls so much but is not affected by anything that is hurting them in this. He's constantly concerned with what he needs people to do, what he needs people to accept. He keeps pushing them into accepting his situation and refuses to let them come around at a healthy speed for themselves. He's turned into a bit of a whackadoodle and it makes me sad that the person that I loved so much has just checked out. He was such an amazing dad. He hits all the hallmarks of MLC. I question if he will ever come out or if this is just who he is.

There are many stories and details in between, but that's the shortest I could make it. Now I'm sitting here in my new living room, alone with the Christmas tree, reflecting on how with the exception of Christmases with my family when I was young, I don't have any Christmas memories without him (we married at 22). So I'm just sad. And my girls are so messed up. I feel horrible for what he's taken from their childhoods, and I feel bad for myself, because I think maybe this is just how it's going to be now. I've done everything I can to make this a Merry Christmas, kept up all of the traditions that they look forward to. They are excited for Christmas but miss their "old" Dad. They are with me today and tonight, then he will come tomorrow to open a couple of presents with them that we cost-shared, then they will go to his place for a couple hours before coming home to have Christmas dinner with me. I've never been all along on Christmas (I'm a bit of a kid on Christmas, with the Santa and magic and hope and peace) so I'm really not looking forward to it. Everyone I know is away or has plans of their own. I'm excited to put 2017 behind me, though moving into what, I do not know.

Thanks for reading my self-indulgent pity post... I hope to dust myself off next week and get back on track. Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!