My idea to separate has been an epic fail

[Caz49]

So I received a text yesterday from H...I will be over in a bit....I have some gifts to drop off for you

I relied 'would you like to meet in the supermarket car park, so I don't have to explain to the children whats happening'

He basically replied that he wasn't expecting to meet outside of the house. That he didn't want to meet me alone. He was sorry but he'd been doing a lot of thinking as our 25th Anniversary approached and his feelings haven't changed...he didn't want to meet up with us both on different pages.

I replied that it wasn't necessary to meet up then. I also said I hadn't wanted to discuss us, but money matters and the children.

After I had a conversation with my sister and my counsellor...who thinks his text was cruel as a few days ago he'd agreed to meet up and 'talk'...doesn't that imply actually talking???

I wonder if he'd gone away and got scared I'd throw myself at him in an emotional rant.

Anyway, I sent a text with the money requests, and other stuff that I needed to ask him regarding the house, my son and a shop lease. He replied at length to this text and was very amenable to helping me out etc. I ended it by wishing him a good day with the children Christmas Eve and he replied again saying he had gifts for me and to have a good Christmas Eve and Day.

So this morning he arrives to pick up the children and I made myself scarce...why would I hang around for a man that I've known 30 years who doesn't want to be alone with me. When I returned there was a bag of presents for me all beautifully wrapped. I opened them because I do not want that tension and hurt to be there when the children open their gifts on Christmas Day. He went to my favourite shop and had bought some of my favourite things...including a plate that had a painting that looked like our dog that passed away in 2016. Plus a candle, mug and Cashmere scarf, gloves and sweater...around £200 in all (he left the labels on!)

I don't think I can look at these things without feeling sick. I know I'm supposed to be concentrating on my life and GAL, but right now I feel defeated, lost and discarded. Everything just feels so hard. All the supreme strength it takes to be upbeat and not emotional is draining, and just doesn't feel authentic. How can some people be so emotionally detached? I want to be that person. I need to be that person.
I'm having a crying session right now but I will dust myself off and go bake some goodies for tomorrow. My children are my blessings, they heal some of this pain...and I try very very hard to keep upbeat for them. I do not lean on them for support but they support me without realising. My eldest is a night owl and kept me company till 4am watching Netflix. I know I'm lucky and this is what keeps me going.

I hope you can all try and have a lovely and peaceful day on Christmas Day. Best wishes for the New Year.