Wife wont admit to affair and its driving me nuts!

[LH19]

1,

You’re not wrong. Your W is having an affair! If that’s a deal breaker for you file for D after the holidays. If not you need to start to focus on you and get out and GAL and start to detach. There are NO quick fixes and it takes a lot of hard work to DB correctly.

[Surfer]

It doesnt matter about her telling you in any event. They rarely do. They often don’t admit to anything even if you can prove it. This is ‘teenager’ mentality. “No I didn’t” then when you confront them with evidence they either accept it or stick to the lie. Anything you can not prove they will lie about in most cases.

Just accept it’s happened and decide how you want to handle it. You may never have proof. Or understand why, but you will get peace of mind in time.

Surfer.

[sandi2]

If she is indeed having an affair thats fine. If she told me a year ago or 6 months ago that she loves him and wants to be with him thats ok too, I mean it..


I dont want to be with her, she's not the woman I married. I dont love her anymore.

If it's fine for her to have an affair and you don't love her........then what's the problem?

[Morbo]

Ok Sandi2..

Please understand that my days go between euphoria, acceptance and hope for the future and days of deep regret/guilt(maybe unfounded). One day its "f**k her, I hate her and never want to see her again and another its missing her terribly".Some days I dont give a damn about OM and other days I'm consumed by anger.
I am at the start of detaching which I'm finding hard but I know I have to do it.
I am exercising , trying to GAL as best I can and I am going to talk to someone soon, I know that needs to happen. I've let it go too long.

I am looking forward to Christmas , I'm glad I have them Xmas Eve and day too.

[CW2017]

Have a great one I think a lot of us have chosen to remain in limbo (for our own reasons) but it ain't healthy!

[Surfer]

CW is right. It’s not healthy, in a way, but it is too as you are giving yourself time to let go (detach). That is healthy it’s what you do in that time that can be destructive - which is why you should be gearing yourself to doing 100% the right thing at all times. If you fail, no big deal, keep going and don’t beat yourself up.

Surfer.

[Vanilla]

I see a lot of temp check8ng going on.

A lot.

It happens in some sitches when the wayward wants to know your position. It's often insecurity in their own and can be very predatory so they can garner resources for themselves.

You have L advice?

I think you need it and fast. Know your position, knowledge is king. Getting great advice, interview L and find one you can work with.

And you are documenting aren't you?

This likely isn't what you want to hear although I think it is what I should say.

WW needs a reality check.

Hugs

V

[Morbo]

Vanilla.. No L advice yet.
We're doing pretty well with 50/50ish co-parenting and I cant see that changing anytime soon.

So, W came over this morning, she kinda guilted me a lot yesterday that we should spend a little time together for the kids opening our presents for each other.

She's definitely noticing that I've 180d the past few weeks, and have stopped completely the whole pursuer, meek husband role. She doesnt like it, thats for sure and she keeps asking what I'm up to?
Anyway, house looked great, I had worked out, looked good too, lol and I think she was really impressed esp with all the new stuff I've done for the kids in their room. She loved her presents, they were thoughtful. All the while, we sat, had coffee but I'm definitely distant but pleasnt and I never made any effort at all to hug her or anything.

I mentioned I was going to start going to a gym and I had a couple of other things planned in the New Year. Tears started, the usual "Why werent you like this when we were married?". Then she said, "Everything is working out for you, your new job, gym, all your new friends, its probably the best thing that ever happened to you!!" . I said "Yes, its great!"
Normally I would have consoled her, said I'm sorry for everything and that I wanted her back.
This time I kept it honest and didnt fall for the bait.

I'm proud of myself.
We left on good terms, she kept asking for hugs as I wasnt really offering but she could feel my distance.
Then I asked her what she was doing the rest of the day , and Christmas. I didnt really get any concrete replies, except walking the dog, watching a movie and going for mimosas in the morning with a friend.
She could see that I didnt really believe her but I didnt push it.

Anyway, that was difficult but I'm slowly making that switch.

Now time to enjoy Christmas.

Have a great one, everyone, thank for all your help :-)

[Morbo]

So, Christmas was pretty good, considering.

Xmas eve was good, we had the house looking great, lights, candles, really Christmassy. Prepared all the food the way I always wanted, Irish style and we had a great time preparing the food, cleaning etc

Only hiccup was when I texted W later that day saying that she could hang out anytime, we are still family. Yes, I'm weak and felt a bit sorry for her. She made her usual excuses though and I didnt believe a word of it. Anyway, she missed out.
That momentarily threw me for an hour or so and I had to go for a long walk to get myself together.
The rest of the day was spent watching classic movies and hanging out. My girls are so affectionate and so strong , I cant believe how much they love me and they really can see now when I'm going through tough times.

Christmas day was great from start to finish, girls loved their socks and presents. Dinner was awesome too and I talked to all my siblings/parents in Ireland which initially was difficult but got easier.
We've been here 4 years and I can say hands down that this was a truly memorable Christmas. No stress, no pain in the a** wife doing her own thing, whining and not listening to me. Even my kids said it was the best Christmas they've had over here.
I must be doing something right! Sorry for blowing my own trumpet, lol.

Only contact with W was when I sent pics of the girls with their gifts, obligatory dinner shot as a group text to W, her mom and one of our mutual friends. W replied she was going to one her new friends and I didnt bother replying.

So far NC and doing ok. W collecting them in a few hours when I go to work.

A quick question, W will be coming later and sometimes I cant help it but I really want to make a snarky comment about OM.
No proof but they probably were together the last few days
I do it out earshot of kids obvs. Should I do that though? Does it make me look weak? Should I just no give a f**k?
I'm at the start of NC, going dark, detaching so still figuring it out.

Thanks!

[TBSakaJ9]

NO snark comments because you don't give a fuch. Your better than that don't go to her level