It's been a while since I've posted, mostly because I think I needed to step away from the board for a while. I think by coming here every day, I was giving H too much head space, since the subject was usually him.
I had a nice, quiet "underground Christmas" with my little dog. We went to a very secluded mountain inn in a nearby state, and stayed about 4 days. The scenery was amazing, and it was so quiet you could hear the wind whistle in the trees. I did a lot of walking, reading, and just sitting looking at the view.
On the morning of my return home, I did get a call from H. He gave his reason for calling as checking on me since the wreck, and offering to drive our other car south for me to have. Over the next few days, we had some small bits of communication by phone about those details, and at one point we had a 3 way call with the other party's insurance claim adjuster. He's been helpful and supportive in getting all this sorted out, but nothing personal from either of us. Friendly, but that's all.
He called a few days after New Year's, again about the car, etc. That conversation was a little longer, and he asked about the new job, etc. It was a little more personal, and I know he could hear my excitement about the job, and this new life I'm building.
(His sister also told me that when she spent some time with him over Christmas, he told her he missed me, still loved me, and thought I was actually a lot happier here in AL. He said sometimes he has to fight the urge to call me, and he doesn't want to because he doesn't think I'd be happy coming back up north.)
I think he's probably right about that. I AM loving this new life here. I started the new job two days ago, and I already LOVE IT. I'm dressing professionally and feel like a million bucks. I have a big new office, and yesterday the state legislature reconvened (in the chamber right down the hall from my office!!!) so I felt like a big shot. LOL. Last night I attended the governor's state of the state address with the rest of my co-workers.
H called early this morning to wish me luck with the new job and we talked for a while. I told him about last night, and about my new office, etc., and he wanted me to send pictures. He said he wants to bring the car down around the 20th. I did not ask about his plans but I assume he will deliver the car, spend a night or two with his sister, and head back in our work truck.
I HAVE had a few dates with a new guy. I met him through this other part time job, and he's spent a good bit of time taking me to dinner, and just stopping by the house between our work shifts. There is absolutely some physical chemistry between us, & it has been nice to feel alive again in that way. He is not a long term match for me, and I knew that from the beginning. There's a big age difference, we have very different interests, and we do not share common religious beliefs. All that said, though, I have enjoyed his company. I can tell I'm going to have to begin pulling back and pumping the brakes, though, because in the last few days he has started to say things like "I know I'm falling for you", and "I can't stand being away from you", so I know where this is headed. I have been TOTALLY honest with him about my marital situation and that I am NOT ready for a romantic relationship, and I remind him of that often, but I don't see him hearing me, and I'm so afraid of hurting him. He has not been in a relationship in 4 years, so he is ready to fall in love.
I know the vets on here warn about this, and I've probably already let it go too far to avoid hurting him. That part does not feel good at all. Now with this new job, our time together will naturally be cut drastically, so that will eliminate some potential for further development of feelings, but I know I still am going to have to be firm, and probably hurt him in the long run.
Anyway, here's to a brand new year for all of us, and I say BRING IT! I miss the daily interaction with people on the boards, but I think it was time for me to step back into the actual world a little more. I'll be stopping by, and also will try to catch up with some of your situations.
Here's to all of us being further along in this painful journey than when we began! And for the new friendships we've formed with one another along the way. I love you all!
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
So, I'm divorced as of 2-3 weeks ago. And the sun still rose and set.
I found out I was divorced after the fact. Strange and anti climatic, but not that big a deal, to be honest.
I felt surprisingly calm and detached. I had gone to a personal growth workshop I'm a big fan of, the weekend before. Thank God.
Because the workshop jettisoned me down the road with letting go of a lot of this pain and anger at the betrayals and injustice and somehow, as much as I tried to depersonalize a lot of what xh had done, I had not let go of residual rage.
But at teh workshop I was finally able to see how much of his behavior had nothing to do with me. And so much to do with him.
OTOH, MY role - I looked away and avoided seeing SO MUCH crap on his end, directed towards me. I wanted to believe he had my values, that we would reconnect and I stayed largely b/c of his potential as a spouse, and his past, as a spouse.
He stopped being a loyal man, if he ever was. I don't miss that, now that I know of it. I can see the good we had, and not negate the whole marriage.
But I swear I believe in (most of ) my heart that he lost far more than I did. So if this were a contest, as it often felt like, he's not the winner. His life is not the index for MINE, but even if it were, he's lost a loyal wife, and I'm funny and smart and attractive and I like sex! Plus the shared history -OMG that, yes losing THAT bothers me.
But that's how it is. I have lost the person with whom I had a ton of shared history. And so has he. Bummer. Alas, there are worse things.
I believe I already am happier than i would have been if we had stayed married the way he is. Sure, sure, I wish he was the man he once was OR who I believed him to be. I do.
But i accept that he's not the guy I loved for decades. Accepting that was a huge leap forward. The second leap was realizing that his choices have more to do with him than me.
I just didn't know the real him of late, until the D. (Someone wrote that "you never really know someone until you divorce them" and that made me sort of laugh, but now I also agree. XH was a real jerk from jerk town in the divorce process. Just so dishonest and greedy, needlessly cruel, etc etc etc. NO THANKS).
There's zero question in my mind and heart that if I had joined him in Alaska, I'd be bereft.
If we remained married solely b/c I once again followed him where HE wanted to go even at MY EXPENSE,
how could I retain self respect? It'd be so in my face that I was a distant 2nd or 3rd or 8th priority to him, and that's assuming he wouldn't have had OW.
Um, no thanks. I suspect you may feel the same.
I've decided not to go on about how xh has still not seen the kids, or spoken to me in well over a year. Enough said.
My plans are to live abroad this fall for however long I feel like it. Hopefully with a job, and that's not solely financial but for social reasons. (Jobs give us interaction on a daily basis, as you know. In a foreign country it'll be hard to just start up conversations so I need some form of structured interaction).
I'm excited about what is starting for me, and I can tell you are excited about your new life, too. I'm dating as well. There are good men out there.
Keep us posted and let's try to connect in rl.
((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Oh THANK YOU, Job! When I get a chance, I'm going to update my current situation, just in case anyone out there reading can learn from things I've done, some that worked for me, some that did not.
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
