New LBS dealing with WW Part 2

[Surfer]

Joe,

Apologies if some of this is a little off-piste for you, not fully read your sitch. and I am not sure where you are on the still in the same house thing etc. I think you still are cohabiting.

I wouldn’t worry about what you might feel like in the future. You don’t know. I used to be paralysed by similar thoughts about how x or y would be if we D etc. Bery little of it comes true TBH. The only person that is creating and suffering from that fear is you. Try and do the things that keep your mind away from that stuff. Gym, work, kids, friends etc. Or talk to people that understand and will do exactly that but tell you to try not to overthink right now. Think about that sort of stuff as rollercoaster riding. You need to be the most stable and grounded you can be.

NC with kids is simple. Just don’t respond. If she says she doesn’t know you have read it, both use WhatsApp or something where you can see if a message has been read. The daily text is her temp testing. Right now just leave her to it. Only make contact or respond if it is something relevant and important about the kids. For example, if she says “you haven’t forgotten to pick up ‘kids’ have you?” Respond “no”. Nothing else. If she says “I just wanted to let you know kids enjoyed the cinema today”. Personally I wouldn’t even respond. You have read the message. She should know that. You don’t need to add anything. If she texts with something that is an ‘invitation’ into an argument. Just don’t respond. This is all I do. We also have a gmail calendar we share with kids routines on ‘daddy’s days/mummys’ pickup times etc. Beyond that I don’t get in touch and I pretty much follow the above guidelines.

When I was attached I would text or call her every day. The way your WW is. I was trying to ‘hang on’ - stupidly. She would have loved this, but I eventually realised why do I want to hang on to someone that is abusing me, my love and kindness. No. Just try your best to ‘act like’ she is someone you don’t have attachment to. Eventually you won’t have so much. Don’t worry about that either. You can become closer again, if that works in your favour - I.e. if she snaps out of it (some don’t however).

In short try to get to a place where you feel a bit ‘oh dear, what a shame, must go’ when there is drama or spew over the phone etc and try to get to a place where you really think I couldn’t care, you don’t get to have me when you behave so appallingly. Boundary setting statements are very useful for you at this stage I think.

Keep your chin up - the in house part is tricky. Perhaps the trickiest.

Surfer.