Hello everyone, I hope you are all enjoying the festivities!
We all know this time of the year is hard on us and our kids but the resourceful side of us kicks in to make the best we can out of it. I know we all have it in us to (as we have had a lot of practice!) put a smile on our face and just push through. This time last year I was a ball of mess doing whatever H wanted me to, like a puppet on a string. But I soon realised this was only for his benefit so he could get to spend time with D. Not for her's and not for mine.
D turned 17 this week! Her and H had a few texts about when she would be around on her birthday for H to drop presents off. He did ask if she wanted to go out to lunch but D did not want to spend time with him on his own when I had taken time off work to be with her. I managed to help out and told him when we would be around as the communication between them was not productive! He was very grateful that I let him know when we were around because otherwise he was planning on leaving her presents in the stupid recycling bin! I am going to our a stop to him doing that again!!
Anyway he came in and I offered him a cup of tea and mince pie and he stayed for a bit. I tired not to talk much (which if you knew me is very difficult!) but he kept engaging me in the conversation anyway although I was busy running around doing other stuff. He got D a very expensive birthday present which she didn't like so he is taking her out today to swap it. I don't mind but it just makes my presents look a little lame! I know D doesn't feel this way mainly because I get her what she asks within my budget! He did text me after he left and thanked me for the mince pie and tea, said the cake I baked for D looked great and hoped we had a fun rest of the day!
I got him little Christmas present from D which I gave him on her birthday when he was going to leave as I didn't know when we would see him next. He looked a bit hurt and said he was planning to pop over again. This time last year H asked if he could come by Christmas morning to watch D open her presents and I offered for him to have Christmas Eve dinner and stay that night which he readily accepted. This year I really don't know what I would say if he asks to come over Christmas morning again? I'm so torn between being a kind person and getting him feel the consequences if his decisions. Or am I at that stage where it really doesn't matter anymore?
I don't know. I have really struggled lately. Not necessarily because of the time of year but because I am forcing myself to stop interacting with him. I am keeping my distance even when he is around and that is really hard. I don't go running up to him to greet him anymore and this really confused him the other day because he didn't know what to do! It just doesn't feel right anymore but when he leaves he always seeks me out so he can kiss and hug me goodbye! D@mn it!
Anyway, what started off as a weekend of no invitations I now have an invite to H's friend's house for dinner. They are going to pick us up so i can have a few drinks and then Christmas Eve i am going over to my older sister's house for a takeaway. Then to one of my younger sister's house for Christmas Day!
As you know I am trying not to post too much these days although I like to keep up with how you are all doing. So I would just like to thank you all for your support and kindness. I really don't know what sort of mess I would still be in without your advice and 2x4s. You have all been such an inspiration to me, thank you so much!
I wanted to wish you all a merry Christmas, or happy holidays and wish you love, luck and happiness for 2018!
Happy Belated Birthday to your daughter. I'm sure you ladies spent a wonderful day together to celebrate her special day. I am also glad to read that your h still wanted to spend time w/her. I imagine it's a bit strained in their communications these days as your daughter is continuing to move forward w/her life.
Coly, don't beat yourself up...you are doing the best you can w/a difficult situation. I think you did well when he came around. It's difficult trying to be something you aren't, but sometimes we had to change tactics to get them to realize that life isn't going to sit still while they are orbiting the earth.
I'm sure he was puzzled that you gave him his gift a bit early...maybe it will give him something to think about. Don't over think the issue of him coming over Christmas morning. I think I would discuss it w/your daughter and if she says she doesn't want him there, then you have your answer. If she says it's okay, then you'll know what to say if he should ask. If you opt to invite him over, just do it for the gift opening only. He doesn't need to be there over night...it's not like your daughter is a little girl...she's 17 and a grown woman.
Coly, just remember to breathe! Everything will fall into place if you don't try to over think it.
In case you don't return to post before the holiday, I want to wish you and your daughter a very Merry Christmas and may you both enjoy the holidays.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
so i think you're doing the absolute right thing - you've switched it up, you aren't running to him and he's now both puzzled and seeking you out. Good. Keep that up.
And darling, why would you not post? We are your support and if you're having a hard time, let us know so we can help you through it!!
Happy Christmas! xoxoxoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Job, thank you for the birthday wishes for D! She had a fab time and was very spoiled!
As for changing tactic with H, I think I have just naturally come to that point where I really don't have the energy to play games anymore or pander to him. It is a very strange feeling. Although it frightens me it is also slightly freeing!
Thank you so much for all your wise and comforting words this last year Job. I wish you a very happy Christmas and blessings for a prosperous New Year!
bttrfly, I think it definitely is confusing him and I also noticed today that I didn't have that feeling of anxiety and what I imagine to H to be puppy dog longing eyes when I look at him!!
I have stopped posting as much because I felt it was giving me even more feelings of anxiety when things were put down in words so I just needed to step back a bit to make myself stronger. I still read how you are all getting on and every now and again provide an update.
Further update: H came and picked D up this morning. Again I stayed in the kitchen and made D answer the door. He came and found me finishing off decorating the Christmas cake. Neither of us made any attempt to do the usual greeting of a kiss and I must admit he looked slightly hungover/tired!
When they came back he came in to the house and I offered him a cup of tea and mince pie again. Friendly neighbour is what I kept thinking! He came and sat down whilst D opened the new designer handbag she had swapped her watch for and he was very chatty and relaxed asking me lots of questions. When he got up to leave he asked me when i was going to see my sister and I just said on Christmas Day so he said that maybe he would pop over Christmas morning. I just said okay and then straight away he said that maybe he could come over Christmas Eve (see where this is going???) but I just said we were out. I don't know when he is coming over now but he said he will leave the gifts in the porch if we are out.
Phew, I said as little as possible during that interaction and didn't break and ask him to come over and stay Christmas Eve, I am very proud of myself! Also afterwards I don't feel any remorse or feel the need to get straight on the text and try and arrange something. I did ask D if she wanted to see him Christmas morning I could arrange it and she said she really wasn't bothered. So we are all good!!
My baby steps have turned into baby steps back to being me again starting in 2018!!
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
wow Col.... you have come a long way. You should be proud of yourself!! way to be! I am really glad to read about that latest interaction. That is what detachment is all about. Nice job! Feels pretty good right?
Coly - You are doing a fabulous job of standing on your own two feet and making your way towards a great future. You have so very much to be proud of.
I hope you and your D have a very Happy Christmas and best wishes for a New Year filled with Joy.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I am so proud of you! It's time that you took back control over your life and time. It's time he realized that you aren't sitting there waiting for him to come over, call or text.
You have come a long way and you know what? You sound so much more self assured and ready to face each day as it comes. Nice work!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
