Adjusting to being a LBS....

[Subitai]

Since you seem to have a lot of issues that cause you anger and frustration, maybe the physical separation will work in helping you resolve or cope with whatever happened in the past.

Yes. Right now my primary focus is on fixing myself, but it's insanely hard not to pursue her.

My suggestion is to stop focusing on trying to persuade her to stay in the M. In fact, just stop trying to work on a marriage relationship right now. Put your focus and energy in healing yourself.

I agree with this. Every time I have pushed the R, things have gotten significantly worse. Every time I relax and work on the D/Sep, things calm down for her. Moreover, every time I try and force her to reconsider, I hurt myself. I hadn't really realized this, but after a conversation where I strip myself bare and beg her to think of X/Y/Z, I am a wreck, emotionally. I'm hurting both of us with this behavior.

You need help with your self esteem issues. I don't say this in a critical way, b/c my heart goes out to you and how you feel you need to over explain yourself. People who feel judged, criticized, attacked, blamed, etc., will often defend themselves by over explaining.

I have this problem. My mother was a very practical person, who would be critical and sarcastic to teach us lessons. Get hurt, her first response was "Well, that was dumb."

I have always been quick to defend, and get angry in defense of what were not meant as attacks, but openings of discussions about how she'd like to do things differently/better in the future.

Don't stop working on the parenting skills. If the MC does not seem to be helping at this time, perhaps getting counseling in how to co-parent would help the most.

MC has transitioned into DC / Co-Parenting discussions. This MC is the one we've seen 3 times before, and W met with her by herself a few months ago and decided to ask for a divorce while talking with it through with the MC. I was informed of this after the fact, I was not invited to the MC, or even told she was seeing the MC at the time.

One thing I appreciate about your posts is how you aren't soft on yourself. You seem to be honest about your faults. Now, if you can learn how to correct them, it should change a lot of things in your personal life. We could all say the same thing about our own lives, I'm sure. According to what you've written, I can see why your W is frustrated to the gills. If you can learn to communicate about the children more, then later down the road, hopefully, you can share your past. Timing is very important, so I would follow your IC's advice about when you are more prepared to approach it.

Yes, she definitely has valid reasons. I don't mean to project that I was a 'do nothing' husband, though. I made adjustments after each trip to the MC, (taking more care of the kids in the morning, not fighting in front of the kids, working on controlling anger even though I never went to IC for it.) but the root of the communication problems were never addressed.

Has she ever called the police (or threatened to call) when you got angry?

No. I never got physical. But I did get unreasonably mad, and I did need to leave, which she felt was unproductive and dangerous.

Have you attended anger management, or sought counseling in the past?

Not until this BD. And there's reason. My IC is actually focused on PTSD right now, with a side of AM. I had an incredibly bad experience with a psychologist when I was a teenager, one that scarred, scared, and emotionally distressed me beyond belief. I nearly died because of it, and I have never trusted therapists since. The first 3-4 visits to the IC were talking me down off of the cliff of my PTSD around this.

Has there ever been any inappropriate behavior with the opposite sex from either of you? Have you ever suspected your W of having an emotional affair? I'm just trying to get a little more about the relationship background.

I do not believe so. The only thing I could think that might even indicate this is her taking more time to do makeup/etc in the mornings, and an increase of beauty routines (more skin masks/etc) at night. The other thing was her saying, about a month after the bomb had dropped, that she wouldn't consider it cheating if one of us started dating somebody now. That struck me as completely weird.
But honestly, if there is something going on, right now I don't want to know.

I sincerely hope your family can get through the holidays without having further incident. ((hugs))

I'm going to have a massive discussion with my parents about the PTSD stuff over the holidays, but hopefully that is all. My parents will be the only ones who know about the D. My brother and sister and their families will be in the dark.

I'm honestly wondering if there isn't a bit of MLC mixed up in the WAW action going on here, too.

At any rate, I think the separation will be helpful for me. It's hard to come to that realization, but it's true. Getting away from her will let me focus on parenting in a way with less conflict. She's still engaging in the conflict laden parenting we have defaulted to, and doesn't want to take time to talk about trying 123 Magic because her emotional bucket is empty. She has no time to focus on that, she wants to focus on co-parenting/financial separation/physical separation instead. That's why I took the lead on getting us an apartment to get that started in January.