Fighting my way out of the dark - Part 7

[Holding]

Good stuff, Acc. Thanks!

Please spell out Holding's inner narrative about the OM revelation.

For most people there are two parts of it:

1) Expressions of anger toward the cheating spouse, rage, indignation, shaming

2) Expressions of self-shaming and worthlessness, or putting yourself down, telling yourself you are in some way inadequate or not as good as OM.

The things I'm feeling all fall into #1:
Anger
Disgust
Distrust
Bitterness
Vindictiveness
Hatred (Yep, it's back!)

Shaming would be nice, but that's not my style. I've confided in people about it. I'm not keeping it a secret if someone asks. But I'm not going out of my way telling people just so it ruins her image. I think that'll take care of itself. I know that ultimately I can't control how the world sees her.

I really don't feel much pull toward #2. I now see that she's been gaslighting me. It makes me feel like a conspiracy theorist who found out they were right all along. It's a relief in a sense. My gut was right. I'm vindicated.

For #1, it can help to write STBX a letter (that you don't intend to send) and just vent -- get everything out that you want to say to her and save it in your drafts folder. Revise it a couple times and get it just right.

Thanks for the suggestion. I may post that here. Not sure yet.

Regarding your question about STBX's behavior regarding the speaker incident, my response would have been:

1) Protect kids. If STBX is being inappropriate in front of boys, relocate yourself and your boys to be away from her.

2) Calm, confident body language response. As others have said, establish that she can't talk to you like that and have your body language, posture and resolve mean it. If she keeps tantruming adopt a "you poor child" attitude toward her and pity her inability to control herself.

This is all nuance and subtlety, but everyone else is right -- you know when someone is not to be f@73ed with based on how they carry themselves.

I'll work on that. I think I've gotten to a point where I can deal with her verbally, but the posture - and more importantly mental energy - will be a new aspect for me.

She's such a blowhard and she always escalates things. I'm going to need my "you poor child" attitude a lot.

Getting the kids out of the room/house WITH me is a tactic I hadn't thought of before. That will really anger her. Too bad.

[neffer]

Holding, you have to protect yourself. Your stbxw sure has her own demons working on her mind.

I remember when I was away from my W and S. My demons chased me on every pause I took. We all have a concience of the actions we take. Sooner or later we must face some reality. There is no need to confront, it makes you weaker. You are at a higher level now, you deserve to be respected.

[Accuray]

Getting the kids out of the room/house WITH me is a tactic I hadn't thought of before. That will really anger her. Too bad.

Oh you should definitely do that -- "Mom's behavior right now is not okay so we're going to give her some space"

That's a *great* lesson for the kids that you get the treatment you allow, and you should stand up for yourself to demand better.

They shouldn't deal with childish tantrums on her part either. Also, you're right -- if she doesn't like it, too bad.

Acc

[Holding]

So I took a crack at a letter to STBXW, as Acc suggested.

I won't be posting it here - it's very dark and offensive.

I'm really surprised by the amount of anger and hatred that came out. Right now I see zero value in her as a person. I know that sounds extreme, but I recognize it for what it is. This is a temporary place and my emotions will change at some point.

At every turn in my sitch, whenever I've tried to give her the benefit of the doubt and inched closer to forgiveness, she's done something to push me in the other direction. EVERY TIME. She's been her own worst enemy - she literally can't stop sabotaging herself.

In a way I'm thankful for her actions, as they keep me focused on strengthening myself against her. It's ironic that the version of me that p!sses her off so much right now is precisely the person she's helped create.

Of course, I'm keeping all this away from the kids. This "motivated" side of me is exclusively for her. I working on converting my anger into a slow-burning fuel that will get me through the next month.

[doodler]

She's been her own worst enemy - she literally can't stop sabotaging herself.

Holding,

You're implying that it's in her best interest to stay in the marriage, thus she's "her own worst enemy." There's no doubt that dissolution of your marriage is a terrible thing, but you should understand that it's unlikely that she feels she's sabotaging anything.

I'm not trying to rub salt in the wounds, but I do want to point-out that I'm certain her feelings about the situation are very different. Not because I agree with her actions, but because you need to be aware that her perspective, thoughts and emotions are different than your own and it will help you to understand that as you move forward.

[Holding]

Doodler, I think you misunderstand. She's hurting her chances of getting what she wants in the D. She should be playing nice with me so that I'm more willing to give her an easy D that benefits her.

When I was starting to think about being more conciliatory in mediation, she goes and sets up a weekend together with OM. Then a few days later she calls me a moron and a fvcktard. This changes me to full steam ahead on the mediation.

When I was thinking it would be better for me to not be present when she moves out, she emailed me to say she's taking a few additional things, which I never agreed to. This makes me want to be present when she moves out. Once again, that's not what she wants.

[joejoe1]

H,

Its not always about what she wants. You need to do whats fair and if being at the house while she moves out makes it fair for the both of you thats what you should do.

Guess what, SHE'S MOVING OUT YOUR HOUSE. You need to be present at your house while she moves out your house, to ensure she is taking what you'll agreed to.

You are the man I
of your home, don't let her manipulate you into not being there because of whats she wants.

[Ginger1]

I agree with joejoe. Whether or not she is an uncaring biotch and giving you trouble, or if she is being an angel about it all, shouldn't be what influences what you get in the divorce settlement. Do what is deemed fair by ways of diving assets in divorce. Don't give her more because she is being nice, or fight to take away because she is being mean.

Do what's fair.

[artista]

i get what you mean when you say she is sabotaging herself... and i agree with you... she cannot get out of her own way... it's like that line near the end of Breakfast at Tiffany's when Paul tells Holly, "...no matter where you run, you just end up running into yourself.”

you cannot trust your WW... you ought to be there when she moves out... i would not give her the opportunity to take further advantage of you... and she will... don't be so vanilla all of the time... you are getting mixed messages here... "stand your ground," "take the high road," etc., etc.,

because it is you, i say to go toward the stand-your-ground mentality, because that is opposite of what you naturally do when it comes to your WW... mis dos centavos--

--artista

[EastTN]

At every turn in my sitch, whenever I've tried to give her the benefit of the doubt and inched closer to forgiveness, she's done something to push me in the other direction. EVERY TIME. She's been her own worst enemy - she literally can't stop sabotaging herself.

She doesn't want your forgiveness. She probably also doesn't think she needs it. If you're looking for reasons why she's "sabotaging" that's probably why.