Not really. Last custody exchange was with XMIL, haven't seen XW since Halloween and we don't really communicate anymore. D spent almost an hour on the phone with her mom last night, which is the longest conversation the two of them have had all year. One or the other of them usually has enough after a couple of minutes, sometimes they make it 20 or so. I was happy that they (apparently--I go in the other room) had a good talk. I've been worried about their relationship.
Getting ready for parenting mediation a month from today. I don't know that will do anything but cost money, but who knows. I feel comfortable with the idea of saying "no" to things that I can't live with, I know the mediator can't MAKE me do anything, and my L will be there, so a lot of my anxiety has dissipated.
Still talking to C about how to talk to D about the adoption. We don't have a good plan yet. Having support on this from XW would make this so much easier, but given what I believe the current state is on her side, that's basically impossible.
Still talking with D about the idea of meeting GF, and D honestly seems pretty excited about it. They've talked a few times on the phone, and I'm almost shocked at how they talk to each other. I remember when I was a kid and my parents were dating, and their dates fell into three categories: "patronizing," "disinterested," and "treats me like someone who matters." I can only think of a handful of people that I met as a kid that talked to me like I mattered. GF talks to D like she matters. D lights up like a christmas tree and chatters away. She'd steal my phone if I let her.
I'm happy that I've waited so long (this coming Monday makes six months) to introduce them, even though it's been hard (gross understatement) having two separate lives that don't intersect at all. We might be trying for next weekend if I can figure out a good activity.
D talked to me tonight about what she is thinking and how she is feeling. She doesn't do that a lot. I don't push, because I don't want to ever make her feel like she's in the middle of things. She told me that she talked to the school counselor today. Her topic was bad dreams, and that mommy had a friend and daddy had a girlfriend. Also, I think the subject of alienation came up (a bit hard to tell, she said something about school C asking her if mommy said certain things).
XW has screwed her up a bit, I think. D pressed me tonight about whether or not I had a "friend." I asked her what she meant, since I thought the question was a bit odd. She said "you know, like OM."
I knew her mother had been telling her that OM was a "friend" and not a "boyfriend" so now apparently D thinks that a "friend" is someone you kiss a lot (her words). I'm not exactly sure what she thinks a boyfriend/girlfriend is.
The fun part was having to tell her that it was OK that mommy kissed her friend, and that she didn't need to tell me about those things, because mommy's life at her house was none of daddy's business. Few things have screwed with me more through all of this than having to defend XW and her AP to my D. What the hell else am I supposed to do, though?
East, you are doing great. It is tricky navigating these waters with kids involved. You are talking with your D a lot which is awesome. Just listen to your gut instinct as you have been doing. It is amazing the strengths one discovers when faced with a situation like this.
Just remember to always take time for yourself. You do have a lot of healing to do still...
XW likes to complain to D when she won't carry the conversation or doesn't want to talk. They talk twice a day (on the way to school, and after dinner/before bed). I can't help but be present for the morning call since it's in the car, but I leave the room for the evening call. Sometimes D follows me, or stays in the living room instead of her bedroom, and I can hear them. Wednesday night (this is typical) D: "What are you doing, momma?" XW: "Nothing. What are you doing?" D: "Nothing." XW: "I don't believe that, you're doing SOMETHING!" then gets upset that D isn't talking to her. Argh.
Every third sentence out of XW's mouth is "I miss you, baby" which I've read you're not supposed to do, to make your child feel safe, and avoid making them feel sad or conflicted (so I stopped). Eventually D says (and she says this more and more) "I don't know what to talk about mommy, can I go?" XW acts hurt and says I guess. Tells D she loves her. D tells her she loves her. XW tells her again, D doesn't say it back the right way, XW gets upset, D gets upset, says I love you, bye, and hangs up. XW CALLS BACK and yells at her for it. After a couple of minutes of that, D has a decent conversation with her. I don't know what to think about that, or to do about that (if anything).
Fall concert at school yesterday. D had a blast singing and playing her recorder, and watching the other grades do their thing. Our school has a good music teacher, it's pretty obvious that he loves what he does for a living and all the kids seem to love him for it. Watching D play with her friends before the concert started was pretty cool, too.
XW showed up, which is a good thing, D liked that. She and XMIL brought flowers for D, which was a cute touch. On the downside, she brought OM with her.
During was peaceful. I was sitting in front, they sat in back. D sat with me before she went on stage, then I told her to go sit with mommy when she was done.
After is another story. Reminded XW that she was picking up D on Tuesday at school next week (would have reminded her of this at pickup on Sunday, but it's my weekend) and that she had her until 2:00 on Thanksgiving, then I had her until 2:00 on Saturday. XW disagreed, saying that I had to bring her back on Friday. Then said that 2:00 was too early because they weren't eating until after that. Tried "not in front of D" but that didn't work. She started insisting that she wasn't giving up her weekend, and that this was BS, and that *I* would be getting D on Tuesday. I reminded her that this would be reversed next year, and her response was "well I don't care about that right now, I care about this year." XW said she was going to call her lawyer. I told her to go ahead (the interim parenting plan is pretty clear). XW says, "we're going to change all of this in mediation." I'm wondering what the heck she thinks will change about the holiday schedule. "We do this one year, and then the opposite the next" is about as fair as it gets.
Finally got able to leave, and D started to have a small meltdown. She wanted to go out to dinner. It was too late for that, and I was planning on eating at home anyway, so I said no. XW hadnt left yet and involved herself. Took D and said "let me calm her down." Stood in front of OM's car with D talking to her for 10 or 15 minutes. D is crying. At one point, OM opens the car door and looks like he's trying to hug D. I don't know what to make of or think about that.
XW finally brings D back, puts her in the back of my car, and keeps talking to her. Won't move so I can buckle D in. After a few minutes, I'm like "we need to get going, please" and finally she gets out of the way. D is crying this whole time. Thirty seconds after the car is moving, she's already calm (knew she would be).
GF has told me that XW and I contribute to D's anxiety over things, and I can't help but agree. I've tried hard to minimize that, but I have NO idea how to have improved upon this situation, though, without making things worse. Pretty much anything I could have said or done just would have led to a fight in front of D, I think.
XW likes to complain to D when she won't carry the conversation or doesn't want to talk. They talk twice a day (on the way to school, and after dinner/before bed). I can't help but be present for the morning call since it's in the car, but I leave the room for the evening call. Sometimes D follows me, or stays in the living room instead of her bedroom, and I can hear them. Wednesday night (this is typical) D: "What are you doing, momma?" XW: "Nothing. What are you doing?" D: "Nothing." XW: "I don't believe that, you're doing SOMETHING!" then gets upset that D isn't talking to her. Argh.
Every third sentence out of XW's mouth is "I miss you, baby" which I've read you're not supposed to do, to make your child feel safe, and avoid making them feel sad or conflicted (so I stopped). Eventually D says (and she says this more and more) "I don't know what to talk about mommy, can I go?" XW acts hurt and says I guess. Tells D she loves her. D tells her she loves her. XW tells her again, D doesn't say it back the right way, XW gets upset, D gets upset, says I love you, bye, and hangs up. XW CALLS BACK and yells at her for it. After a couple of minutes of that, D has a decent conversation with her. I don't know what to think about that, or to do about that (if anything).
Im not sure, but it seems ludicrous to expect a 6 year old to carry on a conversation twice a day. Is that REALLY necessary? My 8 year old is pretty verbal, but even she wouldnt have much to talk to me about multiple times a day. Maybe it's time to cut that down unless theres some special circumstance?
Originally Posted By: EastTN
Reminded XW that she was picking up D on Tuesday at school next week
I've tried hard to minimize that, but I have NO idea how to have improved upon this situation, though, without making things worse. Pretty much anything I could have said or done just would have led to a fight in front of D, I think.
So why dont you stop 'reminding' XW of things? Dont you have a calendar or some tool? At minimum, I would start doing all of this by text or email.
I don't think it's necessary, but XW asked for that early on and I agreed. It's an established norm at this point and I feel the consistency of that (if not the interactions with her mother) are positive for her. When she has D on her weekends, I get to talk every night for a few minutes around bedtime. Changing that norm would also mean giving that up.
As far as reminders... Yes, you're right. "The only winning move is not to play." I have a calendar for D, XW has access to it, that should be enough.
I don't think it's necessary, but XW asked for that early on and I agreed. It's an established norm at this point and I feel the consistency of that (if not the interactions with her mother) are positive for her. When she has D on her weekends, I get to talk every night for a few minutes around bedtime. Changing that norm would also mean giving that up.
It doesnt sound like D particularly cares for or needs to talk to XW twice a day. I mean, really what is different from "before bedtime" to "before school"? Why is twice a day a thing?
For me, I dont talk to my kids when my ex has them unless theres a big thing - birthday, first day of school, type thing that I had to miss. What is really needed on an 'every day basis' for a 6 year old. I mean, my parents are out of town for months at a time, and my kids cant get out more than a few sentences before theyre running all over the place. I just dont see how theres THAT much to talk about on a daily basis...let alone every other day.
Also think some people are phone people and some are not. Maybe your XW is a phone person and d is not. Maybe d is more of a texter or something. No idea how people get used to the OMs and OWs with their children. It still drives me nuts but not a damn thing I can do about it so just gotta eat that $*** sandwich.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
XW is taking D to visit OMs family for the holidays. Actually told me about it in advance, which was a nice surprise.
XW also wanted to change the schedule to have D wake up at her house on either Christmas Eve of Christmas Day. This was after I offered her an afternoon this week so she and D could have some time together in the middle of not seeing her for over two weeks. On that afternoon, they took D to Toys R Us and let her pick out all of her Christmas and Birthday presents (wtf?) then took her to see her uncle in jail.
XW (and now OM) count down the days while they're on the phone with D. Not "until Christmas" but "Until we get to see you." It's maddening. D came into my room the other night while on the phone with her mother, her mom said, "Go somewhere else, you know daddy doesn't like you with him." I'm sure she MEANT "while you're on the phone with me" but jesus how does that sound to a six year old? "Of course you can stay in here, sweetie."
D is being coached. She told me that she's going to live with mommy this summer, and that she's changing schools next year. That her current school is "old" and the other schools she might go to are "so much better." "But it's ok, daddy, I'll see you on the weekend." During mediation, XW wanted to know when D would be allowed to choose where she lives.
When I didn't relent on Christmas, XW threw some spew at me saying I treated her like a worthless nobody even now, and she should have known I wouldn't change that toward her. I don't even understand where this stuff comes from.
Just venting and journaling, though if anyone has any advice about what to do about the coaching, I'm all ears. I'm not going to stoop to the same, I refuse to be someone who puts their kids in the middle, but I'd love some advice here.
D pressed me tonight about whether or not I had a "friend." I asked her what she meant, since I thought the question was a bit odd. She said "you know, like OM."