Thanks Caz, Jim, and Sara for today's responses. Let me address the previous ones -
Jim, I appreciate your blend of practical advice and sympathy. The point about confidence is a good reminder. Honestly I don't have confidence about much at the moment. Everything that gave me confidence previously is gone now. Sometimes I'll remember something from 10 or 15 years ago, like climbing 18,000 foot mountains in the Himalayas or getting compliments from high level US government officials about my work and I'm totally shocked that was me. Sometimes I'll read something I wrote 10 years ago and can't believe I wrote that. Sometimes I'll remember the truly happy times in my life previously and feel numb. It will take a lot of time and effort to believe that life isn't over and to feel better. I keep trying to fake happiness for my daughter each day and put all of my energy into her upbringing. It's hard because she's much, much stronger than I am and it's hard to diffuse a toddler tantrum or re-direct an angry toddler but she's also so sweet and loving. I keep worrying what will happen to her if anything happens to me. Jim, it's like I hear what you're saying and believe it but just have trouble feeling it.
As far as a conservative or Muslim man - that's the thing. A conservative Muslim man wouldn't work because such man would want a woman who covers her hair and follows the rules of the religion. I don't mind following the rules within reason but I'm too progressive and moderate for a conservative Muslim. A conservative Christian man is likely to be a little too gung-ho and close minded so wouldn't work either. A moderate Muslim or Christian would work for me, but then I think I'm too conservative for them because I don't want a physical relationship before marriage. The list kind of goes on because I guess that's what happens when we get older and realize what works and doesn't work for us. There's no man in the whole world that I know other than my husband who I want to be with in the future. If there was someone else I'd probably feel much better about everything. I'd never have an affair but if I was aware of someone available who *might* be an option someday I'd probably have a lot more hope. There's no one though....
Vanilla, that's so great to think about reversing past damage. It's amazing you did all that! Way to go! I'd love to fix what's wrong with me. I'm working on the physical part but not enough on the psychological part. I'm still not feeling physically better from my current ailment after completing the treatment so it's hard to have much hope that I'll ever get better. On the other hand I did have a few past illnesses that appeared to be chronic that did resolve so I guess I should be less guarded. I did see a dentist this week about tooth whitening and treatment for a misaligned tooth and I consulted with a plastic surgeon about a minor procedure that might help an issue on my face. I've already been on a strict diet regimen for years - vegetarian, no sugar, no salt, organic, mainly fresh fruit and vegetables. Now in addition I'm on a no fat, no dairy, no gluten diet. There's almost nothing left to eat so I look like a walking skeleton. I do use high quality skin products and wear good quality clothing but I guess the part where I'm lacking the most is the energy to pull everything together at once - hair, makeup, clothing, diet, exercise, and psychological state. It's like I can do one or two of those things in any given day but not all. Right now diet requires 90% effort because there's so little I can eat so every calorie has to count. My hope is that when my daughter starts elementary (primary) school in 1.5 years I'll have a little more freedom and can achieve more in any given day. Right now I'm the sole caretaker of a toddler girl, otherwise there's a lot more I'd be doing. I'll keep working on everything. As noted above if I could just see the world more positively again and not feel so weighed down with fears and limitations I think it'd help heal the physical ailments. The functional medicine doctor I saw said to try to forget that I'm sick. Maybe I should just care less. Another doctor suggested SSRI's (depression medication) and I even picked up the prescription but when I looked at the warnings and list of side effects I didn't dare take them. They sounded terrifying (suicidal thoughts, racing heart, hallucinations, etc..). Why would I want to make things worse? My counselor and psychologist both agree with my decision to move back to the city where I can focus on my career so I guess that's the next big step. Self-care might be easier when I have more money and more resources to go to the best hair dresser and buy better shoes and perhaps feel some sense of dignity or respect for myself again.
Cherry, when I met my husband I had a high profile career and had body guards escorting me around wherever I went. My husband said I was a 'distant star' to him. He was a local in the country where I was working. To him I was someone important and wealthy and pursuing my passion and evidently happy to be doing what I was doing. To be honest what I'm doing now, mostly staying at home raising my daughter, isn't my passion. I love her and I'm so honored to have her and thankful for her but diapers and mopping and laundry and organizing toys and cleaning up craft supplies and going through the same exact mindless repetitive routine every single day to the point of dropping dead at the end-of-the-day isn't my thing. I'm totally drained. I used to work 12 - 18 hour days and would fall asleep still thinking about my work and would wake up the next morning and do it again. I loved it and I was a workaholic. My husband somehow admired me. Now I'm totally boring to my husband and since I already feel bored I feel I'm boring to myself. I also saw pictures online of the women my husband dated over the past few years and of course they're much younger and childless and have all the time in the world to apply make up and style their hair. My husband goes for the model type, which I'm not, and after battling my daughter all day, cooking, and cleaning I look in the mirror and have trouble imagining how I could ever compete with any of those women. I can't. But I'll try to fake confidence. I also need to be more realistic with my expectations and try to view success differently now than I did previously. Raising a small human alone without help is much harder than my career ever was. It's also more rewarding in the long-term so I try to remember that I interrupted my career for something that is more important than a project, title, or salary. Family is more important and there is a lot to learn from the sacrifice that I knew nothing about previously. I'm sure you know what I mean.
Caz, it sounds like we understand each other well. Your thoughts are almost exactly mine. I'd love to find someone better than my husband someday. Someone who won't just lose interest after the first few years and walk away. I also know that no one is perfect and any new man will have his own flaws so sometimes I think taking my husband back with his known flaws would be better. Then I look at all my happily married friends and family members and know I should raise my expectations. There are minor flaws and major flaws and my husband has major ones. It would be easier if I could picture a few other guys who I'd like to date. There just are none. I hope though you, Caz, do meet someone sooner than later. You sound lovely and I think your whole world would change with a man who loves you and treats you well. Same with me. I will try to survive alone but I've never aspired to be alone. I don't believe humans are designed to live alone. We're designed to live in families and communities with many close connections with others. The most important of all should be our spouse. It doesn't feel fair to those of us who want a partner but are abandoned by the ones we chose.
All, it's late now but ASAP I'll respond to your messages about doing the right thing by moving. It's a big relief to hear that I didn't make a major mistake, although I did include potential divorce fees in the new financial spreadsheet I sent my husband to help him understand what he needs to save / budget for.
