Fighting my way out of the dark - Part 7

[Accuray]

Kids first -- help them buy a gift for her. Ideally you'll help them buy gifts for other family members at the same time as part of the same trip so it's not "all about STBX"

Very sorry about the OM revelation -- the details aren't important. What *is* important is what are you telling yourself about this?

Please spell out Holding's inner narrative about the OM revelation.

For most people there are two parts of it:

1) Expressions of anger toward the cheating spouse, rage, indignation, shaming

2) Expressions of self-shaming and worthlessness, or putting yourself down, telling yourself you are in some way inadequate or not as good as OM.

For #1, it can help to write STBX a letter (that you don't intend to send) and just vent -- get everything out that you want to say to her and save it in your drafts folder. Revise it a couple times and get it just right.

For #2, discuss with your IC. Ask why you're telling yourself these things and disspell them.

If it's cathartic, work these things out here.

Finding out about an OM can be devastating, be gentle and give yourself time to process.

Regarding your question about STBX's behavior regarding the speaker incident, my response would have been:

1) Protect kids. If STBX is being inappropriate in front of boys, relocate yourself and your boys to be away from her.

2) Calm, confident body language response. As others have said, establish that she can't talk to you like that and have your body language, posture and resolve mean it. If she keeps tantruming adopt a "you poor child" attitude toward her and pity her inability to control herself.

This is all nuance and subtlety, but everyone else is right -- you know when someone is not to be f@73ed with based on how they carry themselves.

Acc