I have been reading many threads here, and I have had time to think over my sitch and where I want to be. I have been in a MR where my W has been withholding love and not meeting my needs. I had mistakenly though I was transitioning to piecing a few years ago. However, I was doing all the work, and the W was just going along. Reading other's threads, I see that my W wasn't committed the way she would have needed to be.
Since she is not fulfilling my needs, and she is now even withholding sex, I ask myself what do I want? This is the closest I've ever been to being ambivalent between Recon and divorce. I think the problem for all of us who married young and have 20+ year MR, it is difficult to envision life without the W. I can now envision that life, and it is not so bad. In fact, I long for a MR with somebody who wants to be with me.
I was wondering earlier in my thread whether to ask my W to go to Retrouvaille. I now realize this would be a mistake because it is me again pushing for working on the MR. Instead I plan on saying to her following the holidays:
"I want to know where you think our relationship is going. For me, the current situation of being roommates is not fulfilling my needs from a marriage. Our marriage is essentially done. So if you want to remain married, I want to know what that looks like to you. What do you think you and me need to do in order to make our MR work? If I find what you propose acceptable, then we can try to start over. Otherwise, if you don't want to remain married, then I'm fine with that route too. We're either on a path to separation or reconciliation."
At this point I think its 50/50 which way she goes, and I'm OK with that. Instead of DB-ing and just waiting for her to initiate something, I'm willing to force the issue. After all, I've been doing this for years now.
However, if she wants to D, I don't plan on initiating the paperwork. I want her to. Does that make the above statement toothless?
