I figured it out when I was 12, your S15 will be fine. Provide transportation for them, but if they have their own money, I don't think you have an issue here.
Our D is just 7 next month so she CAN'T get it done yet. We bought a "coloring with mommy" coloring book, and I framed D's fall school photo. I spent like $5, D gets to give her mom something, and I don't have to feel like a duck on Christmas.
Gordie, East, Jim, and Neffer, thanks for the additional feedback. It sounds like helping them get her a gift is the right thing to do. Neffer, I think a grim reaper costume might be more appropriate!
Yesterday I met with my IC. She said it sounds like I'm backsliding and becoming "wrapped up" in STBXW again. She's right - the OM stuff knocked me back and really stressed me out. It was like the standard effects of snooping, multiplied by 100. IC told me I need to focus on myself over the next month, in preparation for the mediation. Time to find some cheap GAL activities. The next 30 days - x-mas, STBXW moving out, custody and financial struggles, and mediation - will be really rough.
STBXW never came home last night. I texted her this morning to ask if she was still alive, and she said yes.
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
Just do what I did and have her give your information to someone she trusts now, so if that something happens to her you can be informed. I know its nice and considerate to know if she is coming home or not, but you need to focus on yourself.
M:43 W:33 M:10 T:11 D:6 BD 8/12/17 Divorce Final 1/23/2019
FC, it wasn't so much that I was checking on her. It's very unlike her (even the new her) to not come home at all on a weeknight. I was actually concerned she might've been in a car accident. She's still my sons' mother. But once she's out of the house, her comings and goings will be off my radar.
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
Kids first -- help them buy a gift for her. Ideally you'll help them buy gifts for other family members at the same time as part of the same trip so it's not "all about STBX"
Very sorry about the OM revelation -- the details aren't important. What *is* important is what are you telling yourself about this?
Please spell out Holding's inner narrative about the OM revelation.
For most people there are two parts of it:
1) Expressions of anger toward the cheating spouse, rage, indignation, shaming
2) Expressions of self-shaming and worthlessness, or putting yourself down, telling yourself you are in some way inadequate or not as good as OM.
For #1, it can help to write STBX a letter (that you don't intend to send) and just vent -- get everything out that you want to say to her and save it in your drafts folder. Revise it a couple times and get it just right.
For #2, discuss with your IC. Ask why you're telling yourself these things and disspell them.
If it's cathartic, work these things out here.
Finding out about an OM can be devastating, be gentle and give yourself time to process.
Regarding your question about STBX's behavior regarding the speaker incident, my response would have been:
1) Protect kids. If STBX is being inappropriate in front of boys, relocate yourself and your boys to be away from her.
2) Calm, confident body language response. As others have said, establish that she can't talk to you like that and have your body language, posture and resolve mean it. If she keeps tantruming adopt a "you poor child" attitude toward her and pity her inability to control herself.
This is all nuance and subtlety, but everyone else is right -- you know when someone is not to be f@73ed with based on how they carry themselves.
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
