Wife wont admit to affair and its driving me nuts!

[Morbo]

(re Subitai)
I'm Irish and we dont cry unless we have 20 pints of Guinness, lol

So after a bad morning, things way better and off to work now and a gig later at a venue I really like.
I'm glad I didnt send crazy texts or emails, it does diminish you and makes you look less masculine. I've noticed that my wife especially gets pissed off when she sees me happy so I'm going to keep GAL'ing up a storm, have a long run before breakfast on Xmas eve morning with endorphins buzzing and looking good so she can see what she's losing out on, hell yeah!

Thanks for all the help :-)

[kml]

Also, are guilt gifts a thing?

Haha - yeah, totally. When my ex finally announced he was moving out, and I made him stay through Christmas so the kids wouldn't have the holiday ruined forever by finding out then that their parents were divorcing, he gave me emerald earrings for Christmas.

I'm sure they weren't cheap. I could never bear to wear them (who wants to wear jewelry that reminds you of the husband who just dumped you after 26 years???). I finally just gave them away to a new friend who didn't know him.

As for the gifts from the kids to the in-laws and ex - you're not doing it for the in-laws, you're doing that for the KIDS. So that they can be proud of the gift they are giving and not feel embarrassed. So that they get to learn the joy of giving. I always made sure my college-aged kids had some money to spend for Xmas gifts, including their dad, although I doubt he ever would have thought of doing the same. Be the bigger person and ficus on your kids. Let go of the resentment.

[LH19]

Also my wife would occasionally get me over for dinner at her place or breakfast somewhere . Would happen couple times a month.
It drove me crazy because I never where I stood and went home pissed off after a few hours. I always thought she might be warming up to me but it was always the same old story. Is this a way for the WAW to feel better about herself?

This is what is considered around here as cake-eating. She has family get togethers so she gets the benefits of family time and she has OM on the side for the thrill and excitement.

The quicker you make it clear that you are not interested in being plan B the quicker you will see movement in your sitch. The longer you let her cake eat the longer she will drag this out.

[Morbo]

So, not sure if I did right thing. I didn't really want to spend Xmas eve going for breakfast w W and kids, and then she leaves for rest of day and Xmas to possibly be with OM.

I texted her nicely to say it wasn't a good idea and she has lost her mind w me. She s now accusing me of something but she's really making me think that she's not having an affair. Guilting me. Normal way this ends is me apologizing.

What do you guys think?

[LH19]

1,

SHE IS HAVING AN AFFAIR!

You are not crazy, don’t feel guilty, this is all about her.

The quicker you accept this and realize you can’t control her the quicker you will see movement in your situation.

Focus on you and the kids over the holidays.

[LH19]

BTW she is gaslighting you. Google it.

[Morbo]

LH19..
Gaslighting(never heard the expression before)...well I tick the boxes a lot for that.

Its just that she's so insistent that I'm wrong and know nothing.
Then the way she deflects and that I'm the one cheating.
I think I'm seeing through her now and its not pretty, my wife is currently a despicable human being.
I just cant understand that someone(esp my W) can just lie and hurt me so much. I'm getting used to it now though.

I'm glad I did it although I know she's gonna be a b**ch when she brings the girls over tomorrow in the am. It just irked me that she was going to have her nice family time, give me a lil hug at the end and then likely go to OM for the next 2 days.
She doesnt get family time with me anymore.
I can feel that things are gonna change now. The balance has been shifted.

Also, a couple other notes about my W

She's Bipolar/BPD and is not taking meds.
She has an alcohol problem, it was really evident the past 3 years.
Her father was an alcoholic too.
Her mom was an adulterer too, with a couple dudes. I found some nudes of her that she had left on an old laptop she gave to us, my eyes can still not unsee them lol
All little signs I guess. Just after we found those pics my wife was having an EA with a co-worker (6 months after we married).

Anyway, I'm rambling now.

Christmas is going to be great, its all about my girls now.
Incidentally, my W sent a really nice pic of them at granmdmas just after I texted. It made me feel really bad but also mad at what she has done and continues to do. They dont deserve it.

[LH19]

1,

There is an old saying “the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree”.

[sandi2]

If she is indeed having an affair thats fine. If she told me a year ago or 6 months ago that she loves him and wants to be with him thats ok too, I mean it..


I dont want to be with her, she's not the woman I married. I dont love her anymore.
I've told her as soon as I get my citizenship we can go for a no contest divorce.

If you don't love her and don't want to be married to her, and it's fine if she's in an affair......then what's the problem?

[Morbo]

HI Sandi2, thanks for your input.

Regarding your question on my post.
"If you don't love her and don't want to be married to her, and it's fine if she's in an affair......then what's the problem?"

I talk the talk but up to around 2 weeks ago I still loved my wife and would have done anything to get her back. I was convinced it was all my fault.
When I finally start piecing all the evidence together and the fact she was up there recently with him or at least in the area a few times has me almost convinced. I just dont have them caught in the act, pics, texts etc
I know I'm to blame for a lot but I've remedied what needed to be done(maybe too late) but I think I've been living in denial. Everything points to an affair but she still absolutely insists that I'm wrong although she's not being specific about stuff because she doesnt know what I have on her. She's a master at making me look an idiot so she has an answer for everything
so I'm not even engaging, just detaching completely.

So, if she's been manipulating me, gaslighting (as LH19 said) and toying with me this past year, its pretty much unforgiveable and there's no way back.

Still, must have hit a nerve though, she's trying to hurt me today, feeling sorry for herself, disappointed in me and angry with me at the same time.
I've had 3 texts accusing me of cheating which I have never done, I have NEVER crossed any line.

I've been reading your tips for LBH living with WW and found it invaluable actually since its written from your POV, especially the insights into her behaviour.

Still, I DO get doubts that I'm wrong, she's telling the truth, maybe its just loss of love and I'm doing a great injustice to her. I know , I know , I'm a poor deluded fool,,ha
I would love your insights into this, thanks!