I'm hoping the physical separation will help me get some clarity and a handle on things. Also, I'm hoping it will help me sleep better. If I wake up at all in the night, I can almost never get back to sleep with her laying there next to me. I often get up because of the dogs or a kid and wind up in the front room on the couch reading a book hoping it will help knock me out.
Me: Mid 40s W : Early 40s M:11 T:13 S, D, both 7-10 BD : 11/2017 Separation : 1/18
Last night was OK. W was upset that I was sort of sliding into the 123 Magic process without getting her buy in. I told her I agreed it would be better if we were both on the same page, but I can't just keep doing what I was doing with the kids, so I HAVE to change something. Her complaint that I can't just decide what to do while we're parenting together is legit, though. This morning I told her I would back off on 123 Magic routines and give her some space to consider if she wants to do it, but I would really like to give it a go. Using the techniques this weekend really kept me on an even keel, and I wasn't mad or mean or yelly with the kids at all, even when they were being sent for time out or other consequences, and it was an amazing difference.
I was, unfortunately, a bit mean to her, when she said we couldn't have conflicting parenting approaches and I said we already HAD conflicting ones in that we weren't applying one at all. She said this was mainly my fault because I don't stick with the program, so why should she think this 123 magic would be any different. I then pointed out one of the things that really bugs me about how she parents our S, which was a real jerk move.
So, we fought about it a bit, I walked away for a bit, then came back with a more reasoned approach. She wanted to know what I wanted to accomplish with this approach, I explained why I wanted to do it. She's not sold on it, yet, but I'm hoping we can get to a place where she's at least willing to try it.
She definitely made the point of me doing stuff without consulting her was a huge problem with the marriage, and me doing this is 'more of the same' so it's a mess up on the 180 for sure. This morning's back off is meant to try and get back on track for that 180. It's friggin hard, though, when she's basically said she's going to be gone for a week at the beginning of Jan and wants to start the official separation by the 15th of Jan, so I don't see many weeks of parenting together left, and I want to get the kids on-line with the new rules before all hell breaks loose when we tell the kids we're divorcing.
We have MC today, so I want to talk about this issue.
Me: Mid 40s W : Early 40s M:11 T:13 S, D, both 7-10 BD : 11/2017 Separation : 1/18
I was, unfortunately, a bit mean to her, when she said we couldn't have conflicting parenting approaches and I said we already HAD conflicting ones in that we weren't applying one at all. She said this was mainly my fault because I don't stick with the program, so why should she think this 123 magic would be any different. I then pointed out one of the things that really bugs me about how she parents our S, which was a real jerk move.
Oh yeah, you're a big meanie and a terrible husband and father - NOT.
Originally Posted By: Subitai
She definitely made the point of me doing stuff without consulting her was a huge problem with the marriage, and me doing this is 'more of the same' so it's a mess up on the 180 for sure. This morning's back off is meant to try and get back on track for that 180. It's friggin hard, though, when she's basically said she's going to be gone for a week at the beginning of Jan and wants to start the official separation by the 15th of Jan, so I don't see many weeks of parenting together left, and I want to get the kids on-line with the new rules before all hell breaks loose when we tell the kids we're divorcing.
Look, she's manipulating you. She's making you out to be the bad guy and you're the reason for the marital troubles and her problems as well.
An anecdote: I'd had a female roommate for a couple of semesters when I was in college and it was a big deal to her if I left the toilet seat up. So, I was trained to always put the toilet seat down. While I was married, I used to always make sure I put the toilet seat down. After our marital troubles started (there was an OM), apparently I forgot to put the toilet seat down one time. According to my wife, that was enough to prove that I didn't respect her. Huh? I told her that I didn't even realize I'd forgotten to put the toilet seat down. She told me that it was because in my subconscious I didn't respect her. Holy sh*t!
Anyway, that's just an example of how the game is played. You're a bad guy and everything you do or say just reinforces that fact. You're d@mned if you do and d@mned if you don't.
MC (Or DC as she calls it) was a bit of a disaster. All the fails at 180ing came up. *sigh* I did make my case for trying the new parenting approach... and told her I would back off on it until she could think about it.
Me: Mid 40s W : Early 40s M:11 T:13 S, D, both 7-10 BD : 11/2017 Separation : 1/18
I agree with doodler. Shes pushing buttons to get you to react. This way when you react she gets to feel less guilty. My ex did that too. This type of gaslighting wqs the worst part. Dont fall for it.
Just keep doing whats best for you and the kids and try to be as friendly as possible.
I was reading this and thinking what a great guy you are to be involved enough with your kids that you are resewrching ways to parent better. Just focus on the big pic right now, your kids.
Well, I'm going apartment shopping over lunch. It's hard to deal with the fact that I'm doing the legwork to end the marriage when I have no desire to end it. Looking at a couple of studios not too far from where we live so we can start doing the 'trade off apartment vs. house' starting in January.
Still working on 180s. Yesterday was pretty good. I asked WAW how she was doing when she got home and she said she was scraping the bottom of the barrel, so I got the kids to bed and put on one of her favorite movies. I'm doing... a little better. I know I'm not great, but I'm a little better than I was last week. I'm going to try a meditation class today before shopping for the apartment.
Reading a co-parenting book, need to get some time to re-read DR to get fully back in the game. Didn't push on the 123 Magic, but this morning reinforced why we need a better strategy than we have right now. I got annoyed and a little angry at the kids for not listening and having to repeatedly ask them to stop doing things, and I would have been counting them and taking away screen time later tonight if I was allowed to use the system.
Me: Mid 40s W : Early 40s M:11 T:13 S, D, both 7-10 BD : 11/2017 Separation : 1/18
Well, I'm going apartment shopping over lunch. It's hard to deal with the fact that I'm doing the legwork to end the marriage when I have no desire to end it. Looking at a couple of studios not too far from where we live so we can start doing the 'trade off apartment vs. house' starting in January.
If you don't want to end the marriage, then why are you doing the legwork?
She's in no condition to do it. I still want what's best for our family, and if it's going to continue the way it is right now, with her wanting out constantly, it's going to affect the kids. And I want to get on with working with the kids as my own parent if she's not going to work on the M. So, yah. Plus, actually finally being apart might help.
Apartment acquired, btw. A studio about 10 minutes from our house. We will begin splitting time between the apartment and the house in January.
Me: Mid 40s W : Early 40s M:11 T:13 S, D, both 7-10 BD : 11/2017 Separation : 1/18
This morning she thanked me for getting the apartment and touched me on the shoulder in a friendly way. First time she has touched me in a week or more.
We have the kids at a sitter for a couple of hours tonight. My goal is to not discuss the relationship at all. I will talk about what we need to do for the apartment, or financials, or the kids (specifically 123 Magic), or we can talk about the movie we've seen and make small talk, or watch a movie together at home. Hell, if she doesn't have a plan for something to do or discuss tonight, I should just go to the gym.
Me: Mid 40s W : Early 40s M:11 T:13 S, D, both 7-10 BD : 11/2017 Separation : 1/18
