Wife wont admit to affair and its driving me nuts!

[Gordie]

Let’s stop talking about her. What about you? You can only control you. What do you want out of life right now that you can control (and you can’t control your w)?

[Holding]

12345, I'm sorry you're finding this out.

I wouldn't worry about the tracking device or PI (which can be VERY expensive), unless you think it'll help you in the D. Your W's behavior and sneakiness speak volumes about what she's really up to. Your heart knows what's going on.

I'm sorry.

[[[bro hug]]]

[Cadet]

Ok, I kinda put a thread up on this a few weeks back.

Yeah - they are now merged together - try to stick to one thread until 100 posts - it is easier to follow that way.

[Morbo]

All the responses, thank you. I really need these right now.

TO answer your question LH19, OM is near 50, not sure.

I'm in a bad place today.
I've kinda known for coming on a year or had my suspicions.
She is such a master manipulator, she always made me feel like a fool for even suggesting anything improper. NO apologies, no answers and I was the fool who would normally end up apologizing.

Today, when I collected my kids my W had a big box of gifts for me. Knowing her, they'll be really thoughtful.
This causes me immense confusion because I want nothing from her. Looking at her causes me pain, what she's done to me and and my girls is so cruel. And then I think that maybe its just a plain 'ol loss of love thing and not an affair. I know its not though and I have to face it.

I'm so angry now my legs are shaking and I just want to confront both of them at their work. Let them know what they have done and embarrass the hell out of them but I still dont have the concrete proof and I'd look like an idiot.
I keep thinking of texting/emailing her but I know she'd have a smart answer...guuuuh, this is hard.

She wants to go for breakfast on xmas eve too with the girls and play happy family but I just dont want to because she disgusts me/angers me. I cant even look at her anymore.
What to do next?

[Holding]

12345, find an outlet for your anger ASAP - working out, running, punching the sh!t out of a pillow, screaming at your steering wheel while driving (my personal favorite). Just find something.

Don't make any rash decisions now. Anger is good fuel when it's slow burning, but not when it's explosive.

[Maika]

At this point, I wouldn't worry about trying to get hard evidence of the A unless it somehow makes a difference in D proceedings. With what you've written, she's having an A. Even if there is the tiniest chance that it's not, you're better off thinking it's an A and coming to a place of acceptance of the situation - this will help you heal better and bounce back rather than playing a guessing game in your head.

As for the bfast on xmas, it really is in your court. Some people will suggest that you don't go and take a hardline stance. Others here will say that you swallow your feelings and do it for your daughters. This might be the last xmas with both of you.

Regardless of what you do, you absolutely have to make yourself and your daughters the priority now. If you are not the rock, the lighthouse, the stable one, your daughters will go through a rough time. They need a solid stable parent and right now you can't count on your W to do that, so you have to be. This doesn't mean that you bury your emotions/anger, but start working on it and provide the safe place for your kids where they know they are loved unconditionally.

I recently swallowed my pride and went and did something with W because of the kids. It was a special occasion and I didn't want the kids to not have the 'family' experience. I don't consider 'us' as a family unit at all, but I did it for the kids because it was important for them. I kept the interaction light and chill and mostly spent time with the kids. It's not easy, but if you can stomach your feelings for a couple of hours, then you can do it.

Keep the NC/Dark, as much as you can with the kids. Don't initiate texts, emails and any types of communications unless it has to do with kids or finances or something businessy like. If she texts you and it isn't about any of those topics, you can choose to not respond or take time to do it. Unless it's a direct question, I generally don't respond. You don't want to ignore her, but you don't want to be available - it's a fine balance, but it's one of the easier things to do in the DB handbook and get a good handle on it.

Process your emotions and don't bury them. Get professional help if you can afford it. It's normal to be all over the map with your emotions - but it gets stabilized over time. Detachment, GAL, and NC truly help in this process.

Sorry you're here, but you're in a good place. This board saved my mind and life and it can do the same for you. Just remember this is a marathon, not a sprint. There is no technique that will bring her back. This journey will definitely save you if you put this in practice, and it might save your MR on the way, but you need to save you and focus on you.

[Holding]

Let me add, I know how much it hurts to realize you've been lied to, manipulated, and gaslighted. Do you have someone you can talk to IRL about this? I think that will help.

[doodler]

She wants to go for breakfast on xmas eve too with the girls and play happy family but I just dont want to because she disgusts me/angers me. I cant even look at her anymore.
What to do next?

12345,

Kick her @ss out. Have a wonderful Christmas with your children. And, move on with your life.

Oh, one more thing, change your user name to 123Go.

[Morbo]

123go..lol

Well I went for a 10miler in the Florida heat and I feel way better. Not fully sure what I'll do about Xmas eve yet.

Anger has subsided, will probably keep it for the occasional sarcastic comment when W tells me BS about her xmas plans. Will keep out of earshot of my kids though.

Christmas is going to be awesome for them. All planned out.. They're so excited.
They much prefer being with me, which is kind of telling

Otherwise will keep completely NC. This is no problem for me, I dont want her to know anything about me. If I didnt have kids with her I would never want to see her again tbh.

I've realized that its triggers that set me off like the gifts she got me. Also, I had to go to Target to get gifts for my W and inlaws(from my kids) and that was kinda hard.

Also, are guilt gifts a thing? Also my wife would occasionally get me over for dinner at her place or breakfast somewhere . Would happen couple times a month.
It drove me crazy because I never where I stood and went home pissed off after a few hours. I always thought she might be warming up to me but it was always the same old story. Is this a way for the WAW to feel better about herself? Hmmmm

I am looking into getting counselling. New year and all coming up :-)

[Subitai]

Man, that's awful. I would recommend getting some professional counselling, too. I don't know what the hell I would be doing now if I hadn't finally gotten to the point where I can talk to somebody about it. It's nice to have a place where I can sob like a baby without be judged.