I want to Stand, but think it's hopeless.

[Adios]

Probably no surprise to anyone here (but to me), I'm cycling again and away from the anger of the last few days. Now at the opposite - compassion. (D@mn...)

H called yesterday - very kind to me and is giving me an extra $500 for Christmas to do with as I wish. Told him not necessary and he said to please allow him to do this for me. Also said again how sorry he was for his crappy reaction the other night.

I have to admit that he has been very generous financially to his own detriment. He says he caused the financial problems and wants to do the 'right thing' and alleviate the suffering at my end. Didn't argue about that or the $500 extra for Christmas.

He tells me he is okay but not happy, never has been and thinks he will never be happy. It's his lot in life. I said I'm sorry he's dealing with that and that's all I said. I was dying to say though... "the common denominator is you - your circumstances change and you are still unhappy. Look inside, be still, and feel the emotions that arise - stop running away from them", etc etc. But I know better than to say that so kept quiet.

Before our blow-up on Sunday we agreed to get together this weekend, just before Christmas. He brought it up again today and I agreed but for a short time only as I have a lot to do to get ready for my trip. (I feel so weak right now... that I agreed.)

Then, H says he hopes we can go out for a pub night early in the New Year.

We talked a bit about how our eating habits have changed for the worse. Both our attitudes seem to be that preparing a meal for just ourselves, it's not worth the effort to make a proper meal. Then H offered to come by next month to BBQ steaks for us. If that happens it will be the second time only that we have eaten a meal together since he moved out 3 months ago.

I don't know what to think about these plans of his. Trying not to have ANY expectations but that is so difficult when he is being very kind. (I've never really seen Monster from him at all. No spewing of any kind since this all began. Instead I see a lot of remorse and huge guilt).

I can't help but wonder though if these touch and goes are changing somewhat. Since he's moved out there has been no more than 3 days without hearing from him by text (occasionally), phone (the usual), or email (almost never). These have been clearly touch and goes though because they are so short. Phone calls a few minutes and visits are usually to do things that need to be done and then gone like the wind.

Then the pub night last week - 90 minutes at the pub. Not exactly a touch and go. Then his suggestions for another pub night and a BBQ at home - again not exactly a touch and go. He's still in early Replay so they aren't re-connections either.
So what are they?