Sandi, what is it that turns a previously good woman's heart that way?
The key words in your question are "previously good". These are the women I have hope in turning back to their previous moral & spiritual values. It does sound as if your W is dealing with spiritual rebellion. I've seen it go either way. If the person truly believed in their particular religion, and it wasn't just going through some ritual motions......then naturally, there is hope that they will be spiritually convicted and turn back. That's something she has to work out with God. Right now, she is like a rellious child and doesn't want to hear God's message. Perhaps she was being defiant by not taking communion, or maybe she was being honest.....or both. But it shows she is struggling with two wills, and she doesn't like the "Thou shalt not" commandments at the moment.
Let me comment once more on the selfishly driven WW. The woman who has been a spoiled, selfish brat all her life.......taking what she wants at the expense of others.......is less likely to ever change, without some life altering experience. When I was young, I believed love would change people like this, but now.....I'm not as naive. I've seen selfish people fall in love and seem to change for a very brief time, but their selfishness doesn't stay dormant for long. This WW will usually b'tch at her H, hammering him down and demanding to have her way. She's always had a mean streak in her, b/c of her sense of entitlement......and she doesn't care what others think. She may keep it hidden from the guy she wants to marry, but after the wedding it starts showing up. It's very unattractive!
The woman who does not have that self centeredness and seemly has a good heart.......IMHO, reacts from her MR that has left her feeling empty and emotionally dead. She longs for romantic intimacy, tenderness, fun, etc. with her H. Going without for a long time may cause her to seek out novels or movies that feed an unmet desire in her heart. If she doesn't receive the things she desires from her H and their MR, she will often have an ongoing fantasy of how her life might be with someone else. And this can lead her into a vulnerable emotional state.
She may be dealing with several issues about herself, which adds to her feelings of unhappiness and lack of personal fulfillment. Resentment toward her H and their situation turn to bitterness, anger/rage, and all those negative traits LBH's know so well. These feelings breed disrespect for her H, and how much she shows it......will vary from woman to woman. At some point, she begins to rebel. It may start with small acts of defiance and go on to something that will destroy the M.
There may be a tipping point that leads some WW's to cross the line to have an A with another man. Some women may have a revenge A, or an exit A. IMHO, I think the majority of stories on the board are about women who have dealt with personal loneliness, lack of romantic intimacy and other unmet needs for a long time. They don't actually "plan" to become a WW, but they have developed a WW mindset. Therefore, they continue to push the boundaries and become a little more daring in tempting whatever situation they find themselves at that moment. They feel an excitement, a thrill that tells them they aren't completely dead after all. They are hooked and want more. They are starved for that kind of attention or excitement......whatever it is.
It is usually so contrary (for these women) with who they always were........that they become very defensive, trying to justify their actions. They may think they have spent their life doing what someone else wanted, or giving their time raising kids, and now it's her time. Selfishness seems to fuel her actions. Once she gets a taste of the "thrill", and feeling "alive", she is hooked and that addiction is the driving force. It's as if she's been without food & water for years......and felt she was slowly dying. Now, she feels alive. What will it take for her to see this is all a fantasy? What will it take for her to find her way back?
This does not describe every WW. It would take a book. The personalities, background, and situations all vary. I believe there is definitely a commonality among WW's mindset. Emotionally, I think most women want the same thing in a MR. The couple may have maintained a friendship or sorts, but it doesn't replace the yearning desire in her heart for the romantic closeness & loving relationship that makes her feel special and alive.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
