25yearsMLC 10 Later I FILE D part 8

[25yearsmlc]

[quote=Jim1234]25, he will probably, in some way, twist the narrative so it is your fault. So what? Everyone else knows the truth, at least everyone that's important to you, including his parents.

I hear you & I thank you...but I miss and seem to have lost his parents...


His parents are unusual. MIL is wife #4 but is a widow so she entered with no baggage and wants to be married to her first h whom she dearly loved and had 5 kids with. It's known that FIL is NOT the "love of her life".

FIL is on wife #4 and the first 3 all left him. The 2nd one was a woman he really loved. He lost her and then did not change for #3, but when #4 came along he had hit rock bottom and, #4 was indeed different.

She was a widow for 3 years, and self made millionaire. She did not need FIL's money.

Yes SHE likes me but may well believe some long narrative h has spun about me b/c I have learned from mutual friends he complained a lot about me to his peeps. Some of them said "tell 25, but btw, so what? I mean, you think she could be neater? Hire a freaking housekeeper. You have the money!"

(Like "Collusion" where he wanted others to see how someday if he left, it'd be okay. He never ever told ME these things, which is cowardly and disloyal.

I was never told "the house was too messy" or that It was MY responsibility to clean it and mind you - this was also while I worked full time. And he's not a clean guy other than HIS closet...)
The FIL is obviously able to move from one to the other and NOT look back, often...

Better example of a strange double standard...h Told MY OWN brother I spent too much money in Alaska.

Now let me just argue ONE point as briefly as I can, to give you an example of what I now know must have been happening a LOT longer than I realized. And to whom? I'll never know...

H would complain (to me as well) about the phone bill (1997) but to be fair we had moved to Alaska FOR H and I was 8 months pregnant. I knew no one, had just moved from San Antonio where I had a wonderful support group and friends and weather I liked, and then moved to "Mars" and given birth, moved first to a basement apartment b/c housing was not available, and then we had to BUY a home up there in Fairbanks. Could we have changed our lives more for him? Nope and he said NOTHING grateful to any of us. It was a big sacrifice we tried to make exciting for the kids but I had a lot of fears. The kids did not love it but dang they made the best of it.

Okay so there we were with H spending weekends fishing/hunting and me with a baby - in the winters the temps go below -40'F (less that means colder than -40' but that's about the average temp for the cold times, with -25' about average. Newborns lungs cannot handle that so you keep them in or wrapped up A LOT and not outside, just from the garage/car to the next one. So you are housebound if you have a newborn.

And the kids age 8/11 tagging along with dad or helping me out. Great eh?

So I spent $400 on the first month of her life, and probably spent $3000 over the 3 years there. Email got better and helped. I joined things and did a LOT of fun GAL things that cost very little or were cheap. H and I both took flying lessons with had been on MY bucket list for years.

I'm not proud of that phone calling, okay? But I needed comfort and company and he left me lonely so much. And he was an MD and earning plenty of money,

but HERE is what gets me and what makes me think he's a narcissist of some sort.

One day HE brought home a snowmobile ($3500+) without any discussion with me.

I would have agreed to the purchase!! OMG, what fun! But I was left out of it. Totally.
Almost an act of contempt.

He bought it bragging and happy but without ANYONE'S input...

Then he brought home a boat! - also without my participation or any discussion. Seriously.

Then a trailer to carry the boat!

and the grand finale was an All Terrain Vehicle (for hunting in inaccessible areas)

that costs, God knows what ($8-15k?)

But the kicker of insanity?

The day before our anniversary he asked me for my opinion FOR an ATV AS AN ANNIVERSARY GIFT -- (??) for "us"??

I said "but H, we already have the snowmobile and boat, and the ATV isn't all that useful here (we lived near THE trail from the pipeline 50 yards from us, plus really only h would be able to use this "gift" much)

INSTEAD

---since my back had long been injured AND I had trouble with steps and hot tubs helped with back pain so much, AND because I feared the coming winters,

I said " a hot tub out here at night would be so great for all of us! We could be outside in the COLD but feel warm and see the northern lights!" (I know my kids and I and yes h, would all have enjoyed it.)

So the next day -our anniversary he brought home the ATV..and it hurt my feelings b/c it's not as if he even bothered to look for a hot tub, and he had a goofy (embarrassed?) look on his face and literally said nervously,

"Happy Anniversary??"

And we never got a hot tub.

Yeah, it was embarrassing b/c it symbolized how unimportant I was to him.

I doubt he even took in how the kids would have enjoyed a hot tub there. Extending the amount of time outside in the winter....My God he's been so selfish for so long and until we lived in Alaska it was apparent. That's where it first manifested.

I spent too much on phone bills there...YES I did,

but he really had lowered the expectations of himself so low or had SUCH a high entitlement sense, it never occurred to him that his double standards were insane. Or that I was lonely there and all day with a newborn baby and no way to meet people.

I wish I had said then and there, (but in a healthy way)

"WTF is wrong with you??"


Can't you subpoena the lease, and record of payment, and all the other financial documents you need?

First off, yes to the banks in CA, but the subpoenas in Alaska IF he's banking there and I bet he is, means hiring a lawyer up there to then issue subpoenas, and although that's doable, there are other things in the works that may make it semi irrelevant. But I have the bank statements from the banks we used at time of separation (unless of course he had others up there).

He's POSSIBLY getting closer to a buy out for alimony. That is an issue determined in one hearing based on HIS refusal to pay any. But he's made some offers recently.

In the debate for spousal support (in CA) the only issue is his earning capacity versus mine. I feel confident that we will win on THIS issue


At a separate hearing (more legal $$$) I can go for the money he took, half of which was mine AND which he grabbed while I was impaired (which I have proof of including our son's testimony).

And I will go for the money he retained from the Army backpay, and the other violations of the court orders and then, the LAST year of support he did not pay will be considered arrearages. But I THINK those come at a later date.

I know what the accounts of the local banks said the day before he drained it, and he owes me tens of thousands. But guess what? It's NOT a crime to take all the money out of a joint account, though it's "frowned upon" (& as a lawyer, I literally never heard someone say to go for more than half UNLESS you feared the other spouse was about to waste it all and then you "better keep good records of where you put it- don't spend it" so I thought it was the law)

but if a guy absconds with the life savings of a spouse (joint account), the other spouse has to go after that stolen money which takes money...and i personally am pursuing a change of legislatIon for that. I'll keep you posted. It's happening way more often than one thinks.

Your questions below - I am entitled to half the accounts (probably $80k in random savings accounts THAT I KNOW OF

and to half the Army backpay of $46k and half the retirement accounts which are now frozen, thank God.

He may have taken $100k out of that but I can find that out. God, I'd never have believed this 2 years ago. NEVER! Sure had seizures and got foggy at the worst of times...

So the answer is yes I'm entitled to it and then h will say "oops I paid taxes and um don't know the rest of it but I spent it so good luck finding it or getting it back....I took a lot of trips with Schmoopie and HER daughter...while our last child gets nothing - gosh I cried hard about that.

My wish is that one judge hears all of the testimony and not 3 different hearings with pieces missing. Then give me the cash h can give and ALL the retirement accounts and I'll keep the half of pensions (he threatens those as if he can take them away from me. But it's community property and we were married 35 years and ALL those years crossed over his service.)


But all good questions. H will come out ahead financially. H will earn more and has stolen and hidden more. This is simply true.

But he's lost a great family and the respect of dozens of friends who know us both. He's lost MY family, and as much as I miss his dad and step mom, he's lost more. My family is huge and smart and hilarious and soooo fun. H's family will soon have to be shmoopie's family and though she strikes MY sisters as white trash, I'm sure there are decent folks in it and h needs to feel a part of a family.

At some point, (2-3 years from now??) I would think he'd let some good memories resurface. But I don't know for sure. And since his narrative forces me to be the villain, and himself as the victim AND since his fan club up there supports that, all I can hope for is that my kids eventually have a relationship with him of some sort.

H will inherit and probably disinherit our kids so schmoopie can leave it all to HER schmoopie junior (no offense to her daughter but this is a very sore spot to me).

It made me cry hard to think of how he replaced me AND them...but I have to be in the Christmas 2018 25" mode in hours.

So for now, that's it. THANKS for checking in.


Thanks