These boards have been such a comfort for me these past few years. Recently it has been hard for me to write though.
I still think about my ex and these past few years a lot. I was reading this diary I had written when my son was really really young. I read statements about how lonely I was and how I often felt like a single mom. How resentful I was of my ex sleeping late. My fears and ignorance about our financial situation. I seemed to target my anger at my ex MIL though. I blamed my ex not being around on her. She was the person I was competing with for his attention.
I am talking to a therapist and trying to figure out our relationship. We talked about how he did not meet my needs. How he had broken up with me early on for a few days because he felt like I was demanding too much of his time (we only saw each other one overnight a week back then because I was still in school)How I would joke to people that if me and my ex did not start our relationship while I was in school, we never would have been married because I would have been too demanding of his time. Instead I was too busy to bother him too much. I thought I was wrong about that. And i am still scared of being demanding for time and help and attention from a guy. My therapist has pointed out that my ex was not just distant from me but also our son.
We talked about how little effort I made for the relationship after my son was born. I remember being so anxious about leaving my son, I did not even go out for his birthday because he chose a restaurant that was far away. And how i stayed home with my son instead of joining him and my brother for a concert. I was so worried about being a bad mother for taking time out for me and for us. That was not good for me or for our son.
Regarding my ex, I still have huge emotional swings and I need help with this. A while ago I was panicking because my son said to me something about how his father would not be his father anymore if he were to kill me. I started to get seriously scared that he would kill me to avoid child support. He is not a violent person. Certainly not jealous or passionate about me. But hates having to pay child support. Sometimes he acts nice and then other times his anger and hatred slip out. It was weird that my son said this. But a thought I have kept secret as well. I also have anxiety.
Other times my emotions swing to extreme anger and depression and hopelessness. I feel like me and my son were robbed of a family unit. A male/father figure. Which is something I desperately want. I wanted another child too. My ex knew that from the time we were in our early 20s. So I feel great loss. Like something was stolen from me. My youth, my time, giving more life. Financial stability.
Once in a while I feel bad for him. I wonder if there were child hood secrets that led to a drug addiction. I wonder what happened in his life. All the secrets in his family are disturbing.
And then there is the trauma from the way he treated me. The worst part was him blaming me for everything. Being treated poorly and having no control because I did not understand what was going on. Being resented so much. Although I resented him too. Thinking about those past years still hurts a lot.
I have been dating someone for a few months now and I have fears about my own ability to judge good from bad. I no longer trust my judgement.
Last year I dated someone that looking back had tons of red flags. I knew it back then, but I accepted a lot to prove that I was not the nagging, demanding wife my ex made me out to be. This years self looks back and realizes I should never have dated him. He would often ask me to drive, was constantly looking at who was paying, and did not give me a christmas gift because he had procrastination issues. He always liked to talk to me and spend time with me and gave me a card saying he loved me though. I certainly did not love him and was very relieved when things ended.
I do not know if that will be the same with the person I am with now. Will I look back repulsed and say "what the hell were you thinking?" This guy is more old fashioned and traditional. Flowers, dinners. Never wants me to drive. He does not drink or do drugs. He says he wants a LTR. Not afraid of commitment. He said once committed to the relationship it would take something drastic for him to end it. That he works hard at everything and fixes problems. He Wants a LTR with someone to do things with and for. Texts me everyday more then once a day. He had full custody of his daughter with similar experiences to some of the LBS on here. Everything I would have summoned in someone.
But I worry, I am not seeing something. My ex kept telling the marriage counselor he fixes problems.
Thanks for reading. I know this was long.
Last edited by job; 12/20/1702:25 AM. Reason: added link to previous thread
