This used to be easier - and a lot more fun, cont.

[DonH]

even told my friends at this point I think I'd rather get a colonoscopy than get married.

So I made that comment a couple of weeks ago. Then I actually had a colonoscopy last week and have to say it may be a draw. The actual procedure was no big deal but the 24 hour prep - omg it made me soooooo sick. At least I'm good for 10 years now.

Anyhow, Christmas is less than a week away. This will be my 12th Christmas without W and 11th without a GF. I don't decerate as no one will see it but me and I'm fine without it. Yet like many other things I feel like I'm missing out in some ways. I'll be with family and such but it's just not the same. SIL used to ask, "are you dating anyone?" She doesn't even bother asking anymore.

I'm still on "paid vacation" (see my last post) and have gotten so lazy. I keep saying, tomorrow im going to get a lot done and then I do one or two thungs and say, tomorrow I'm going to get a lot done. Then repeat.

I'm feeling more and more stuck. Not majorly so just, I dont know, just maintaining. I'm happy not at all sad just not thriving. Does that make sense? For sure the best parts of my life are behind me - paramedic, firefighter, pilot, CEO, lots of traveling, etc. it's all in the past.

Ginger just reported how her C said she, and I would say this fits for others as well, should not quit trying unless they really don't want to be with someone. I quit trying about six months ago but what gives me pause is I really don't think I do want anyone. I actually got that feeling again after someone expressed interest and I'm again like meah whatever. Another poster here talks about she is rarely turned on by or into anyone. That's me! I can't remember the last time I was like "omg I want to get to know her." Nearly everyone I meet I'm like meah. Is that because when I did try I got nowhere so I'm just cutting to the chase? I wonder. I'd at least like to get excited by someone but they all seem to suuck, have issues, are crazy, can't be honest or ghost you. Clearly my trust is about zilch. Just read the boards and you see example after example after example. I just posted on a thread where a guy had 7 great dates with someone. Then poof, "I don't think we have chemistry, bye." At least she didn't ghost him. That's what it's come to lol not getting ghosted is considered a win.

I'm mostly just venting. Really I am. But even the colonoscopy was harder on me than anticipated. Who knew? I want the life back that I had from 1990 to 2005.