HJ....before my W moved out she was going out all the time hanging with her teacher friends. Getting drunk, not being able to drive home, showing no interest at all in being home and spending time with the family. It felt like the more she did it the more addicted she got. She started sleeping in the other room and looking back was just going through the motions.
I think during that time the resentment started to build and then it led to BD. Then IMO she got scared and said she didn't want a D but also didn't want to go to MC. That lasted for about 1 to 2 weeks and then she went out on a night when my D's had friends over for a sleepover. She was only supposed to be gone for about 2 hours and come home. That 2 hours turned into 4 and she showed up wasted at the house with 4 little girls running around. At that moment I knew it was over, she told me she wanted to be selfish and she didn't care. She wants to do what she wants to do and doesn't care what anyone thinks.
She was dressing up, hitting the gym, going tanning, fake eyelashes, new bathing suit etc. etc. I can tell you from my experience there was nothing I could do to stop the train. She suggested living as roommates and staying together for the kids in a sexless marriage which I told her I didn't want. She also could not give me a reason why she felt the way she felt. Early on when I was grilling her over it she even made a comment that don't you notice I have to drink a beer to even have sex with you. Ouch that stung a little. The thing is that I am an attractive guy but for whatever reason her spidey senses where not digging what I was laying down.
My W has surrounded herself with enablers much like your W has that she can go out with, party and do whatever they want. Not having our children 50% of the time, in her eyes, is the reward.
Unfortunately you have some tough decisions to make as I would agree she is just going through the motions and you are only getting whatever scraps she leaves behind. If my W would have stayed in the home and we did what you are trying to do I would been your same shoes.
