Hi DOn. You are right, it is about him and his weirdo family, not about me. They do what they do for whatever reason, and I know I handled myself with dignity. ANd thank you for the financial advice offer. Right now my dad is in charge of my retirement plans and I contribute a decent amount of my paycheck and he has them in whatever funds. He made this a hobby upon retirement, lol. My cash at hand right now is an issue, but I am going to figure out how to make that work.
Ok, so I some things happened yesterday that I need to talk about.
One, and I'll get the negative one of the way. ex an OW had Christmas pictures done with the dog and santa from a friend. I knew of it and they said they would give me a picture. So, D10 breaks out a card, written by OW that was signed "OWW, EXH, and D10" with the picture inside. HOLY TRIGGER! If any of you recall, I found out about the affair by finding a card from OWW to exH. Seeing the handwriting, my daughters name in with theirs, knowing she wrote it....... I lost it. I waited until D10 went in the shower a minute later, and I saw red and burst into tears. That reaction and the whole thing really threw me for a loop. I guess some triggers never go away.
Now for the more positive part of my day. I went into IC miserable. I cried, I listened to myself and I couldn't stand what I was hearing. My IC feels that I do need to get out there and date. I need to be on the sites and I need to be proactive. Not so much because I need to find a man, but because I have become this low because I have given up. She said the Ginger she knows has always rallied and worked and fought for what she wanted. I told her "shouldn't I know when to throw in the towel too?" She said no one should ever throw in the towel on love and partnership unless they truly don't want it. I should not be accepting my life as a single woman for the rest of it. It's when I try to accept my life with that I become seriously depressed.
She's right. Both of us know it's a something necessary for me. And for most people. We both know it that I can survive without it, that I can care for myself and my child without a man and it doesn't make up who I am. I am simply human and I need to not quit.
I left hating the way I sounded in there and I really realized I am doing so poorly because I just feel so hopeless discouraged and trapped. I told her after the divroce was over after they got remarried, and like many of us on here, we get that renewed sense of the world is our oyster, we have a chance to be true to ourselves and make this life ours. I had it, and then I lost it. I told her it's the feeling of hope and renewal I miss.
So, I believe I am done accepting things status quo and feeling depressed all the time. I am going for the things I want and I desire. I am deserving of it all. I am going get it, and I am going to find it, and being alone IS NOT my fate.
