My idea to separate has been an epic fail

[Caz49]

Hi Nicole, how are you? I was thinking about you today and was going to check in.

I think you make some great points. I'm definitely not ready to date...I don't know how these people move on so quickly! But yes some male company would be so comforting right now. If I knew a man in my situation I'd love that idea. Company without strings.

The other night I yearned for a cuddle and then out of the blue both my sons gave me a hug at different times. It was sweet, unexpected and showed me I'm loved regardless of my H.

Today has been tough. It's knowing my H is in the country and my expectations rise and become dashed and I get anxious and am at a loss. More needs to be done on detachment I think!

Anyway I realised I can't go on this way. I can't avoid my H and be avoided by him. I think he avoids me because he's totally unsure of my reaction. And I avoid him because I'm unsure of my own reactions to his not saying anything. It's a vicious circle and needs breaking. So I've made the first move...rightly or wrongly.

I text him earlier this evening and asked him if he'd like to meet up Saturday and talk. I did say I was sorry that I hurt him, separating the way we did. But I needed this time for counselling to help me get past the last few years. That I needed lots more sessions but they were helping me and helping put things into perspective. Maybe stupidly I ended it with a X

He text back saying he was sure we both didn't intend to hurt one another...that he didn't intend to hurt me. And yes he wanted to meet up and talk before Christmas. He ended the text with a X also.

So, my plan is to meet him away from the house as I don't want the children knowing we are meeting. Complicates matters too much. One of the reasons I'm doing this is because the children find being around both of us awkward. They don't like it and it's just not healthy for any of us. I need to get to a place where we can be in the same room without feeling insane amounts of tension and emotion.

I'm going to dress nice...not too try hard but looking good. I'm going to literally talk about the children, a matter that has arisen about my sons driving test, money issues, Christmas, ask about his work and keep it short but light. I really don't want to talk about R or anything intimate...unless he instigates it but thats very much doubtful.

I'm going to be seeing my IC on Wednesday and we will talk through how I should get myself prepared for this meeting, how to limit my expectations and to end the meeting on a high note and not a sour one.

And you're right Nicole...it certainly can't get much worse than now. But I can get myself into a better headspace starting from tomorrow...I just need to temper my expectations and learn to not just act cool and but to become cool. Its doable...I can do this!