My idea to separate has been an epic fail

[Caz49]

Thank you PsySara for the med recommendation. I see my Dr on Thursday, on another issue so I will bring it up. I'm hoping sleep will improve now that I am fighting off this flu...and I know where I stand now that my H is seeing OW.

I have lots of friends but I don't see many of them and don't hang out as such. I'm seeing a friend tomorrow for tea and a chat at a coffee shop. My other two close friends aren't so close anymore as they have busy lives...I didn't want to burden them with my latest round of problems, they know whats happening and they've not offered support, so I will leave it at that for now. They were an enormous support the first time round, nine years ago but maybe I'm just embarrassed to be going through this again.

I walk my dog for two hours in the morning and have made lots of 'friends' there. We chat and laugh but as yet no social connections outside of walking the dogs have been struck up. I know I can talk to people and can make friends. I think because my business is from home I've become quite isolated in a way. My H worked all week away and at weekends I reserved time for him.

I've searched out for a few meet up groups near me and will join a couple of other groups I'm interested in. I used to do a yoga class but stopped a year ago. Maybe time to do that again. I see my IC, whose starting personal training exercises with me in the new year. She's a really lovely lady and we get along well.

I'm having a bad few days. I wish my son had kept his information about seeing a heart text on my H phone to himself, BUT it's best I know. I had the chance to talk with my sons and for that I'm grateful. My heart has changed, whereas before I felt deep down H would have an epiphany and realise I was worth making changes for, I now know that THAT simply won't happen. He's closed his heart to me, I don't register in his life. I'm just someone that bore him children.

Yes I sound sorry for myself, today was the first day in months that I allowed myself that deep cry that's loud and sorrowful. My H had arrived to pick the children up to take them shopping, he didn't get out of the car and he didn't come to see if I was okay with the flu, the snow, Christmas etc. Deep down I thought he'd come and see if I was handling things.

I do not register in his life anymore. I made a huge error in his eyes. I tried to fight for my needs but I went about it in the wrong way. I reached breaking point, I was trying in a very naive and hurtful way to get him to acknowledge my pain. By asking to separate to get him to open his eyes, all I did was damage any chance we had of repairing our marriage...because I know he won't forgive me. And at the moment I don't forgive myself.

Its that simple. I'm finding it hard to like myself right now. This will pass.

The children return home later, and I will paste a smile on and ask about their shopping trip. And the treadmill that is my life will resume for now. Yes, it's a treadmill because I make it so...only I can liven it up and GAL. And I will.