I do have a read of this forum on a daily basis on my phone just to keep up to date and have seen my situation and the way that I handled it mentioned a number of times, so I thought it would be nice to provide you all with an update.
As far as we are both concerned things couldn’t be better. We have a very different relationship and both of us are very happy. Of course, it is easy to think "I have won" and drift back into a behaviour that would be considered 'normal' but this is a genuine life style change so it is something I work on a daily basis.
The biggest problem I had personally was the way I spoke to my wife when frustrated and how I was always willing to show how angry or frustrated I was with a day at work etc.. Basically I was able to affect her mood, by the way that I poorly handled frustrating situations myself. Because she was my wife, I believed that I could tell her everything and express my frustrations without any thought into how that was actually affecting her. The basic rule was "I help her.. So she should always be there for me" - It was like a marriage wasn’t a relationship, but more someone else to help share the load of a stressful and co-dependent lifestyle.
It transpired that my Wife was hiding a lot of her thoughts and fears from me, because she didn’t want to add to my problems and she was scared of my reaction if she did anything wrong. Not physically scared of course as it was never physical, but it simply wasn’t worth the hassle with any concerns of hers.. As it would be too much hard work to explain anything to me and it become emotionally draining for her.
To combat this I had to realise that I was very co-dependent. I was very insecure, took things for granted and could never make a decision.
My W is literally gobsmacked by my change in mentality and recently commented "The being a home finally feels like her safe place".
I previously thought this was my job to provide things and to help fix all of her issues. It wasn’t.
I help less now, than I did before. But yet, to her I am helping more now than ever!
Sounds backwards, but now when an issue occurs, I explain my thoughts and feelings, in a calm manner offer help if it is needed and then mentally step away. There is no reaction from me (stress/anger), I explain how I want things to go and why, but I leave her to make her own decisions. Even if it starts to go wrong, I let things go wrong. I understand now that it is not my problem to fix.. It is hers.. She was advised she had my help and support at the beginning, if she runs into issues - its her issue to fix. If after that, If need to step in, I do so without comment (i.e. I told you should have done it this way!!) and leave it.
Over a period of months, my W is now completely confident in explaining or expressing her feelings to me. She knows that she will not be judged, she will receive sound advise, and she is confident that we are 2 people supporting each other in decisions rather than one controlling as it is was previous.
Another example is from last weekend and shows its not all about being a submissive doormat but also expressing feelings about what you want with confidence. There was an issue that occurred during a recent trip away where she forgot something that she had been asked numerous times to bring. I explained my disappointment and that if she had put in into her diary on her phone, when I asked it would have reminded her. (she is a bit scatter brained with things like that). I explained that there really is no excuse these days with phones etc.. And moving forward while I appreciate that everyone can and will make mistakes, its only fair to treat it with the respect it deserves and just put in your diary moving forward. I got a heartfelt sorry, she explained that she understood, I was right in my opinion and she would be give more attention to details moving forward. This is not telling her off as I previously would have done. It’s the same message repackaged in a more adult and husband like manner.
Firm, not afraid of expressing my concerns (in a calm and respectful manner)and decisive.
To conclude where we are now - we have been on holiday, booked another for next year and have booked in numerous weekends away to look forward to and have Wednesdays nights off together as "date night". I know more about my wife now that I have ever done because she is not afraid to speak. That doesn’t mean everything she says is correct, but I acknowledge her thoughts and feelings, I action them if need be, and then get on with my life. Note "my" life. Because it is my life. Yes marriages are about partnership, but this will always be my life. If I do find myself 'alone' again. Although I certainly don’t want that to happen, I will be in a much better place to deal with it. When I start to let feelings of complacency set in, I quickly reset and get back to what obviously works.
Finally, I wanted to offer some practical advice in reference to people who are currently going through a separation and who are GAL and who are panicking and spinning around etc.. And are wondering how to fix things. The single most powerful piece of advise I can offer is - 'let go'.
There is an automatic need to want to try and "put things right" when separation is imminent or is actually happening.
Your intent is to fix. Your W sees this as controlling.
What you 'want' or 'feel' you should do is completely the opposite. Your situation is NOT unique. Just relax.
When we speak about the separation the one thing she says that brought her back home was "When we used to meet up, there was just something different about you, then I started to wonder what it would be like to miss the opportunity to have this new person back in my life".
Keyword = Wonder. (I.e. Interest).
This interest comes organically from you changing. Not looking over your shoulder hoping the WAW is looking. If you have to… imagine they have died. (sounds strong but it works), all hope is gone and they are NEVER coming back.
What would you do if you had to live life alone? - go fishing? Go to the gym? - Then do it.
STOP LOOKING FOR SOMEONE TO SAVE YOU - NO HELP IS COMING.
STOP having your phone on your hip - waiting for a whatsapp or text message.
Do NOT try to ignore the pain. The end only comes by feeling the pain and accepting it.
My wife didn’t love me anymore and wanted a divorce. I had to accept it. Feel and taste that cold reality, cry if you need to, but feel it. It will subside.
I went shopping for new clothes. For me. I didn’t wear them and take selfies to upload to facebook so she would accidently she me in them. I lived and acted like no one was watching and no one was coming to save me. No pats on the back, no 'well dones', forget about gaining any strength or approval from anyone else - its all on you.
Never ever chase. Respond when texts come only if one is needed.
It might not be the same for you, but in my situation I never text first even ONCE. (different with children I am sure). I only responded. It was soo hard, especially when lonely or drunk, and sometimes 1 day of silence, turns into a week or longer.. But hang in there because you are NOT waiting for them.
Be warm, polite and then always be the first to end a call or conversation. Become unavailable.
In my case, after 6 months of this, I started to receive texts "What are you doing this weekend?".
Don’t get excited, Don’t mind read. Respond and tell the truth.
I went on dates and acted like she was my best friends wife. Nothing sexual, just funny, nice and courteous without expecting ANYTING back.
I went on 5 dates before we even mentioned our relationship because it didn’t matter. I was going to have a nice day out. SIMPLE AS THAT. No catches. No pressure. No desperation.
As I mentioned above, you might think that if you don’t show how much you have changed - then how will they know?? - It’s the biggest lie you will tell yourself because they really do see everything… so they will see the little bits that you think they don’t. Its those that make the difference.
Like someone wise on here once said "little consistent changes over a long period make the difference".
There has to be wonder for this to stand a chance to work. When you and your W met - there would have been interest, and wonder. The mind is a powerful tool and you need to keep yourself mysterious to create the wonder. Never expose everything about you no matter how loved up you may feel. With familiarity comes compliancy. Then boredom. Then lack of interest.
You are a strong independent person with wants and needs and choices. You are changing and growing everyday - you need to start to living that way.
