Hello...can you hear me?

[Georgiabelle]

Oh, I was hoping that 4 yr anniversary of BD would pass by and I would be “unscathed” by December 15th. Didn’t happen, gosh darn it. These last few days I have been a mess. On one hand, I look at x Mr.GB and I realize how exhausting he was. He reminds me of this frequently. On the other hand, if I’m being honest, I think many people are exhausting. And I hate saying this but I wish that I wasn’t divorced. I simply never saw that for myself and this very logical person struggles with that frequently. I hate admitting this but some days I just think, “Dizzam! Why couldn’t it be different?” And while on occasion it still bothers me that ex Mr. GB finally has a great job making awesome money, I realize it is what it is. Yes, I wish he would have been motivated to be employed more frequently while married it doesn’t really matter now. But when he reminds me that he felt suicidal when we were together, I think “was I that awful and couldn’t see it?” And while I very much believe in marriage, I struggle greatly with how I view relationships now. Will that change? It doesn’t seem like it although I suppose anything is possible.

I love my job. The kids are doing okay but I’m not sure what my deal is. Getting older doesn’t really bug me-it’s inevitable. However, because I’m rarely, rarely attracted to anyone then it $uck$ when it’s not reciprocated. Yes, it’s only been one person but I may not be attracted to anyone again. This is a reality.

Oh well. I’m a downer today. Hope everyone is having some fun this holiday season